Stupid Breeders

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 6:06 PM | Posted in

I was just talking to a friend of mine, and I thought of a topic to blog about. This is something I told my parents when I first came out, and it seemed to help mend things a little.

You know, I am completely against coming out of the closet. Hell, I'm against having to be in one in the first place! Let's put this into perspective! If people would start minding their own business, our sexuality wouldn't be an issue. I mean, why does it matter anyway?! If you're not planning on sleeping with me, then my choice of partner shouldn't matter to you! This is why I have a hard time with family that won't speak to me over my sexuality. Did I change your mind? Did you have a sick fantasy of wanting to sleep with me? Is incest your thing? I didn't think so. SO GET OVER IT!!!!!

Lila Signs

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 4:24 AM | Posted in

So, in order to attempt to make school happen, I need money. And the one way I have found to make this happen, was to become a Drag Queen. While I haven't TOTALLY made up my mind, I am entertaining the idea. So far I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it. Lila Signs is my name and I will explain why. Anyone who has followed my blog for any length of time knows I'm an interpreter for the deaf. So of course, I had to add my own twist on DQ's, and I am a Drag Queen for the Deaf. I have spoken to Erica Martinez, the best Drag Queen I've ever known, and she is going to take me under her wing and help me get started. Yes, this includes a girls day out shopping :D

Now, as for the name. There is this movie called "Latter Days" and it's about this closeted gay who was a mormon missionary and was found out when he and his gay lover were walked in on. He was sent home where his family hated and resented him and he couldn't take it so he slit his wrists. He was not successful in suicide, so they stuck him in a facility to brainwash him and change his sexuality. But he escaped and ran back to the man he loved. The restaurant owner where his lover worked was called Lila's. And so I put that together with what sets me apart from other Drag Queens and came up with Lila Signs.

So there's my biggest news. Add me on Facebook by clicking on my Drag Name throughout this post. Pics will be posted there and even videos.

This is the Title of This Blog

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 11:44 PM | Posted in

So, I was just sitting here. And many thoughts were popping in my head. Many memories from the past, everyone of them good ones, things that make me smile, but yet, they make me cry. Why is that I can't just be happy over things that were good. My little buddy Ryan, saying his first word, taking his first step. My first piano student Brendan, also my buddy, playing his first song at the church in front of everyoone and not messing up. Baking cookies with my grandmother, memories I have with my brother who is also my best friend, and yet everytime I think of them, I cry. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I saddened about things that make me smile and feel warm? What is wrong with me?

It's Been A While

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 10:39 PM | Posted in

Sorry I've not blogged in so long. It's been a while, I know. Life can be a bitch at times. I've been going through a lot of depression, mainly because I've been going through a lot of guys. It seems that it doesn't matter how good of a man I try to be, nobody sees me for it. I know that I'm kind of a pretty boy. And I know that some people aren't attracted to that, but I don't stay cute by neglecting my appearance. And I know that my appearance is not everything, but it is however who I am as a person. Unfortunately, not all of us are born naturally beautiful. Wow, that a weird tangent I didn't intend to go on.

Anyway, I'm seeing so much of the gay community, and it never ceases to amaze me, the number of guys who think that, there's no sense in looking for the one true love, cause we can't marry anyway. Or that are so wrapped up in sex, and pleasure, that they are too blind to see the good things that are right in front of them. In the mean time, not only are they hurting themselves, but they're hurting many around them, who really are looking for that one person!

My question is, what is love? I mean, for real! Define it! So many people throw that word around like a seal among killer whales,; "I love roast beef", "I love pencils!", "I love hamburger!". But really, let's define love. No, not by dictionary, but in your own words, define love. I don't want to hear any quotes from any sort of literature...I want to hear YOUR definition! Better yet, I want to see it, feel it...experience it. Let's practice showing people what TRUE LOVE really is! Class dismissed, if anyone out there has any class left!

So.........

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 9:26 AM | Posted in

Okay, so, it has been like, forever and a day since I've blogged. I haven't really been in the mood I guess. But on top of it, we just moved, and I've been working a lot.

Anyway, life is pretty much the same. I'm working, dating, maintaining a life. I am seeing a guy right now, his name is Rob. I like him a lot, but it has only been a week, so I'm not going to get my hopes up. He's 36 years old, and he's fun, funny, sweet, and really knows how to make me feel special. That last one is important ;-)

Haven't really been in the Christmas spirit. Holidays just really aren't my thing. Everyday is a holiday for me, so why should I act extra special on actual holidays? Especially when those holidays are created by religions to which I don't even personally believe in. Makes absolutely no sense to me. It's a waste of my time. But, such is life. We all have to do things we don't want just to make other people happy. It's the way the tuna falls.

I am working on a project with makeup and hair right now. Hopefully it turns out. If it does, I will post pics. It's a modern Geisha, with an artistic twist to it. I'm really excited. I have to give a mannequin a hair cut and style and then do her makeup. We'll see how this turns out.

And that's what I'm going to do right now, so I'll talk to y'all later.

OMFG!!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 8:03 PM | Posted in

So, a lot has happened this past few weeks and I've not been able to post about it! Where to start......I'll just dive right in and hope I remember everything.

So most people know I drive without a license and last saturday, after moving most of our stuff into our new apt, I was on my way to work, and I got pulled over for speeding, when all I was doing was passing someone. And of course, it had to be a policeman I knew! Also, LUCKY for me, it was a policeman I knew. It was one of my regulars at Starbucks and he let me go, cause he likes my coffee too much to let me go to prison. LOL


THEN...the monday after, I was shopping, and this bitch was letting her 3 year old run around the store. I was coming out of an aisle as her daughter was running across the store and I tripped over her. Her mom was nowhere to be seen, and I couldn't leave the girl lyin there while I tried to find mom...and I sure as hell wasn't picking her up. So I just sat down next to her Indian style and waited with her til her bitch of a mother to hear her screaming and crying. It took that bitch 3.5 minutes, OH YES! I timed her! Anywho, the lady called the police on me for child abuse! The police looked at her like she was stupid after everyone had given statements, and they also went and looked at the surveillance tapes. They told the lady she was a money grubbing idiot and was just looking for a case and escorted her out of the store! LOL

Then last Sunday, my computer crashed. And I just got it back. So I'm just now being able to catch on a lot of things. FML....lol

I think I'm just going to leave that as all for this note. I missed everyone in my internet world.

Gone Astray? or Found My Way?

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 8:30 AM | Posted in

So yesterday the way my work schedule worked and my mom's church schedule worked, I had to drop her off at church and take the car home. When we got there, everyone ran out and was talking to me, which was nice, but there was a few things that kind of got to me. Not necessarily in a bad way, it's just, well, a few of the people brought out some people I didn't even know and I felt like I was the gay rebel witch on display for show and tell. So it got me to thinking last night about who I really am.

You know, for those with a Christian background, they would say that I have gone astray. But those who are in my shoes, or might be open minded, or who might understand a little better, they would say I've found my way.

I grew up as a christian, I grew up miserable. As I've stated in previous posts, I believe that there is no right or wrong religion. I believe that there is a right religion for each individual, and that not everyone is meant for the same thing. Who are we to say that being Baptist, or Protestant, or any other religion, is the right one?! Are we a higher power to be able to make this choice? You say, but the Bible says. Prove that the Bible is true! All you can do is tell me history. But you know what?! Wiccan has history too! Can you tell me that it is less true just because we don't have a Bible? Not every religion needs a Bible. To me, all the Bible is, is the book created for you to know how you're being judged. And the religions who have used that Bible, have turned it into being the book to which EVERYONE will use to judge you!

Throughout the past 4 months, I have made a lot of discoveries about myself. I have found my way when I was lost, I have made a lot of progressions, things that never happened while I was a "Christian". This tells me that the way of life for me is being Wiccan.

Some may never fully understand that, but that's okay. That just means that my way of life isn't meant for you. And that's okay, I certainly won't judge you on that. But will we ever get the "other side" of the world to understand this too?

Reader Discretion is Advised!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 2:07 PM | Posted in

Okay, so today was a day of may events and non-events. Some were good, and some were bad, the others just don't matter enough.

This morning, I woke up, and something dawned on me. I'm scared of love. I know it sounds crazy, but I really am afraid of love. It's not so much the getting hurt part, it's the literal loving. Everything about it scares me. This is both an emotional thing, a sexual and physical thing, it's everything about it. Ever since I knew I was gay, I always told myself and convinced myself that I was a top. This stems from a lot of things, the key factor being that the only gay sex I've had was forced upon me and was not enjoyable, and I didn't think I could go through it again. When I think of sex, I associate it with both emotional and mostly physical pain. But when I came out, and actually got involved in gay culture, I realized that I am not a top, but am in fact a bottom. There's nothing "top" about me. I am also OCD, and cannot have or put things in my mouth, therefore oral is an issue for me. This really limits me as a gay man. Then, to top it off, The last time I was raped, the "guy" was massive....if you want measurements, I'll tell you cause he "got off" on making measuring himself as foreplay....needless to say, to this day I still bleed anally, and yes, I've been to the doctor. They said they don't see where I'm bleeding from because it's not a constant thing so they can't fix it, but the bleeding is little, so it's not really anything to worry about..and they're right. It doesn't last very long. Anyway, this scares me about not being able to please my man!

As far as emotionally, it is hard to explain, but I fear not only loving, but being loved. What if I cannot live up to my part of a partnership? What if they cannot live up to their end of the partnership? What if I'm taken advantage of? What if I'm cheated on? What if..... Normally I can bypass "what ifs" but for this issue of loving someone, I just can't get past it. I don't want to be like those people that sleep around and end up with diseases and such, and/or no heart just a constantly hard penis that does all the thinking for them. I hate those guys that only want hookups and when they find out that they have to be with you longer than 5 minutes for you to drop your pants they stop talking to you. I don't want to be associated with those shallow guys...but anymore that seems like the gay culture norm. So where are all the guys like myself that actually want something meaningful and lasting?

Something else that plays into this is the whole relationship thing. When we think of relationships, we think of walking around in public holding hands, some PDA going on, and such..but for us gay people, it's not just that simple. There's more that gets factored in. There's gay bashing, nasty looks, dirty comments, etc..... I have to keep asking myself if I'm ready to face it.

You would think this wouldn't be an issue since I wear heavy makeup all the time, and I wear gay pride jewelry, but it is different when there's two of you and you're making public affection...it's not as accepted as being ONE gay individual. I am really afraid that one day something might happen that will scar one or both of us for life, maybe even kill us.

Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. I know that being gay is not like a tragedy, obviously! I think that it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I do however know that it's not all Peaches and Cream all the time either.

Then on top of the constant ridicule, there's the normal struggles that every couple has whether gay or VOMITstraightVOMIT...lol. Sorry, you know I have to throw humor in there.


ANYWAY!!!! Moving on to a GREAT topic! My mother....O....M....G.....my mother. I was to meet CJ today, a guy I've been talking to for a while. Mom out of the blue surprised me by making a Halloween basket for CJ. It was a glass pumpkin she filled with candy. I know it sounds stupid and small...and you're like, "What's the big deal?!" Well, this is a GOOD big deal!!! As most who read my blog know, I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so therefore, my parents are strict Baptist. When I came out, I not only came out as a gay man, but I also converted to Wicca. This was a lot for my parents to deal with at once, but they never strayed from my side in loving me. Sure, they made and still make, comments here and there, but they still loved me and made sure I felt it and knew it too. So this morning when Mom did the "act of kindness" towards the man that she may eventually be taking on as her "son-in-law", it touched my heart something fierce. I knew at that moment, that even if loving and being loved hurt....I would always have my family behind me to back me up and help me get back on my feet.

I want a relationship....so why is this an issue?! Why is my brain being a fucktard?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Thoughts are welcome and wanted.

He Loves Me......

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 8:16 PM | Posted in

So yesterday, as most know, my family had an outing at Cedar Point. It was planned by my brother, Tommy, and was an open invitation for all family, including extended. For starters, it was only my brother, his girlfriend, Andrea, and my father, and myself. So I was having a good time. They're all awesome! But as the day progressed, more of the extended family sporadically showed up. Some like me, others don't. Such is life.

But most of the ones who don't like me, are the ones who were the closest to me to start with. That's the bothersome part. As the day progressed, I just felt awkward, out of place, like I had nowhere to belong. The family that liked me would try to include me in their conversations but the family that didn't like me would cleverly and sneakily back out. I only noticed cause I was already paranoid.

Anyway, as time went on, things got better. The family eventually saw that I'm still the same, only better. Because I didn't have the misery of hiding a huge secret, and everyone was talking to me by the end of the night. Though it wasn't the same as it usually was, they were talking. I now see what the new normal will be, and I can accept it. Mainly because they're christians and I try to keep my distance from them, unless they have proven themselves to me, that they are not the normal christian that judges and hates.

After Cedar Point, some of us went to Friendlys for breakfast, or dinner, or whatever is eaten at 2am, and we had a good time. Our waitress, Buffy, was a Wednesday night minister, and when we went to pray, she joined us. She was the type who hold hands when they pray, so you know the situation. Where you're sitting there and someone starts to grab someone's hand for prayer, so you hesitantly start reaching for those around you. You know? That really awkward moment? Yeah, well, that was the moment that made my life worth living again.

I was sitting in between my brother and my father. My brother before I had a chance to realize what was going on, grabs my hand tightly, and just smiles at me affirmingly. It was that smile that he was doing it not only to be funny, but also because he knew that I really just needed to know that he doesn't feel weird around me just because I'm gay. He gripped my hand tightly and I almost cried but I refrained. Well, until I excused myself for the restroom after the prayer. I really do have the most wonderful brother in all the world!

Anyway, that's where the "He Loves Me" comes in. I also found out that my brother planned yesterday hoping to break the "Coming Out Tension". Just goes to show that my brother will always have my back!

There's No Place Like Home

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 7:06 PM | Posted in

Okay. So most of my friends know, I LOVE to wear cowboy boots. It has a lot to do with my scoliosis as the raised heel sets my spine, but today, another reason popped into my head. One to which I never paid attention to until then. I work at Starbucks, as most know, and so I deal with a lot of posh people ranging from business people, to just people who dress important to feel it. And it dawned on me a similarity in personality traits.

So there I stand, watching as the people click there way through the day, heads held high. But why? Most of them don't like how they live. They're unsatisfied with their houses, their cars, their families. So what gives them this feeling and attitude of importance?! I'll tell you what! Their shoes! Did you ever notice that if a person is wearing shoes to which the heels click when they walk, they feel important?! It gives them this feeling of power, that nobody has anything on them! They just feel so...I don't know, confident!

And let's look at another scenario. Wizard of Oz. What does Dorothy do to get home?! Clicks her heels. Why?! Cause everyone knows that heels that click is the answer to almost anything! DUH!!!

But anyway, just thought I would blog about my new findings and observations.

Thanksgiving

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 7:46 AM | Posted in

Now, I hate food, so Thanksgiving, I kind of dread. BUT, I do love cooking!!! So this year, with me coming out, and being a Wiccan, and my family pretty much forgot I existed on purpose, I requested to my parents that they allow me to do Thanksgiving at our house. Since I am 22 years old, and once I am done with Beauty School, I plan to move away I won't be around forever, so we might as well take advantage of the holidays we have together. They agreed, and we invited some family over that we know don't have the money for holidays, and that we knew would be alone, and also that still liked me. LOL...anyway, yesterday I started to prepare the menu, and BOY can I not wait this year!

So far this is the menu:
lemon-herb roasted turkey
cranberry-pomegranate sauce
creamy spinach bake
green beans with bacon-walnut vinaigrette
broccoli-bacon casserole with cheesy mustard sauce
bacon twice baked potatoes
sweet potatoes with cinnamon honey
picnic potato casserole
gingerbread pumpkin trifle
peach melba molded salad
cranberry ribbon cheesecake
pumpkin-ginger pie with gingersnap streusal


Now, like I said, I hate food. I only eat cause I know I have to for survival. But I LOVE to cook! It's the one legacy I can carry on from my late grandmother and forever best friend, Alice Belle Thompson Work. When I am cooking, I feel her presence standing over me just like I was 9 again, when she first started teaching me to cook! I feel her warmth hovering over me, her hand on my shoulder, her voice in my ear telling me what to do. I feel her sweet sensitive spirit just enveloping the place with her joy, cheer, and love. When I'm in the kitchen, it allows me to remember, and relive the everyday lessons she would give me in cooking. My grandmother was the best cook on the face of the earth and I can never live up to her level, but I will deafinitely make her proud by living up to my own level. That's all she would ever ask of me. I have her every recipe. Family members have her recipes on paper, but what they don't have is the secrets she never wrote down, and that is something I'll never eliminate from my existence.

Having my grandmother's secrets always gives me a sense of closeness with her, a feeling of importance. Something that I will never allow anyone to take away from me. My grandmother always told me that one day I would be something. Something people could only WISH to be, and I never believed her. But I sit here in front of the computer, typing this, and emotions overwhelm me, as I realize she was right.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm great. But what I am saying is that a lot of what I do, who I am, and what I will be, people would die to do, be, and become. And there's not a day go by that I take for granted that which I have been trusted with. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that I will never forsake it, turn my back on it, or regret it.

I need to end this blog before I become a tear filled queen. lol

Truth Revealed, Now to Get to Work

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:37 AM | Posted in

So, I was talking to my good friend Xian today, and was telling him about my passion to write a book. This is something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but I never knew what my subject would be. But I knew that if I waited long enough, it would come to me.

While talking, I was talking about the blindness of parents and such. The main topic was how parents are so blinded by what THEY want, that they don't see the real truth. For years, I knew I was gay and acted as a gay person, but if you ask my parents, they'll tell you that they had their ideas, but had no clue that I was gay. See how that doesn't make sense?! Yet, in their minds, it is a complete reality. They were in such denial that one of their own children could be gay, that they took blatantly obvious clues, and hid them behind their own desires. Now, 11 years later they are faced with the reality and have to accept it.


So my book is going to be based on the parents side of coming out and ways that we as gay people, or GLBTQ people, can understand our parents struggles better, and help them overcome their own fears and such. It is going to be a "Coming Out for Dummies" book basically. I come from a baptist background, and I know how I was raised and such. I am a very observant person and I have a very wise and open head on my shoulders. And though I am only 22, and people may think that I'm not qualified to write a book, especially since I've only been out as a gay man for 4 months, I know for a fact that I am more than qualified. So, consider this the announcement of my new book, and I hope that I can count on y'all, my readers, for your input along the way!

I am sure that most of my blogs will be in support of my book, basically summing up ideas and such that pop in my head. This book will also be covering the suicide issue from many angles as well. Not just being gay, but I'm also going to attack the suicide rates of parents whose children are gay as well. I'm going to aim to help us, as GLBTQ citizens, to understand that, even though our happiness is important, it is also important that we fully understand the impact that it has on everyone's life around us. From the viewpoint of people that pass us on the street, work with us, went to church with us, grew up with us, close family, distant family, religious, non-religious, I'm throwing all these in. I am going to interview people personally for the input, not just assume I know what they think.

So, for starters, if you would like to participate in my book, whether it be by being interviewed, or knowing someone that you'd like to have interviewed, by all means contact me at terpprm@yahoo.com. We will work something out. There is no deadline, as I'm just starting. I haven't even started planning yet, as I'm letting the book idea simmer for a bit so I can fully grasp the subject in its entirety. Thanks ahead of time!!!

Insecurities.....

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 8:33 PM | Posted in

So I thought I would talk about insecurities in this blog, mainly my own.

First of all, I KNOW that I'm a very insecure person. I have a HUGE fear of being alone, and dying alone. I've been hurt so many times in my life, I feel worthless, and like I'm used property. I often feel depressed about life. Let's face it, we never have as many friends as we want. I second guess myself, my decisions, and everything. I am very high on insecurities and self esteem issues.

What got me to thinking about this is I was walking through work, at Target, and I saw a display of a beautiful lady wearing a beautiful outfit. And I found myself getting depressed cause I wasn't attracted to her. And immediately I got upset with myself. I am very happy as a homosexual! I don't regret one minute of it. But what played a big part in that scene, was my christian upbringing. It was drilled into my head that there is something wrong with being homosexual. So here I am, trying to be the "normal" that I was raised to be, when in fact, I am more than happy with who I am!

So why is it that we go through life trying to be what other people want us to be rather than answering our own calls, and choosing our own paths? Now, I'm not going to give my opinion right now, I'd like to hear what others have to say. Spread the word about my blog, get others involved, let's have us a little debate. ;-)

Just a Thought

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:40 AM | Posted in

I was lying in my bed, and a thought popped in. I had to get out of bed and blog this before I forgot.

I was thinking about the movie "Prayers for Bobby". I am sure most of you know of, or have seen the movie. Just in case I will recap. Basically a christian boy comes out of the closet, his family shoves him out of their lives, criticizes and abuses him. In the end, it took the boy committing suicide for the mom to realize what she should have from the beginning.

Now, being raised "christian" myself, I know what Christians are taught, and I know what they believe. I also know the difference between what they're taught and what they do. I am not going to sit here and try to defend them. But I know from the last pastor I had, he did NOT teach them to hate me, to shun me, or disrespect me, it is the Christians who CHOOSE to do so. Might I add that most of them from that church don't? Do you know why? Because the pastor has led them by example to love everyone no matter what!

Anyway, I was thinking about the ratio of GLBTs that are Christians. I did some research and found many numbers, but I am only going to use one of them, and I asked for guidance so I feel I chose a right and accurate one. 44% of the GLBT community, were once Christians. It was also stated that a GLBT person who was once a christian is 27 times more likely to commit suicide! That's heart breaking! And why do you think this rate is so high?! I'll tell you why! Because some Christians think that it's their job to judge and criticize other people. NEWSFLASH!!!! You can't replace God!!!

So here's a thought. I attempted suicide as a young teenager, 3 times, and I know that my reason for it was because I was scared to death of not being accepted by everyone I knew, aka Christians. And on top of it, I was dealing with sexual abuse and neglect of my family's attention, as I wasn't really liked anyway. So just how many suicides are caused by a christian? Let's stop and think about this. Who is known to be the most judgmental people on the face of the earth? Those that claim to be Christians. So why is it that they can't see just what kind of damage they are causing. I'm by no means saying that Christians should be ousted from the planet, I'm just simply saying that they need to really consider what their God would be doing if He were in their shoes! I highly doubt He would be the cause of suicides!

Using statistics, on average, there are about 32, 622 suicides a year. Here are some more statistics breaking down that number:
1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.

On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.

On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.

On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.

Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year olds.(1st = accidents, 2nd = homicide)
Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year olds.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.
Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.

Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.

More males die from suicide than females.(4 male deaths by suicide for each female death by suicide.)
More people die from suicide than from homicide.(Suicide ranks as the 11th leading cause of death; Homicide ranks 13th.)
73% of all suicide deaths are white males.

80% of all firearm suicide deaths are white males.

Among the highest rates (when categorized by gender and race) are suicide deaths for white men over 85. (54 per 100,000)

Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity / Young, Old Age Groups

                                             Rate Per
Number Per Day 100,000 % of Deaths
Total .............30,622..........83.9.........10.8..........1.3
Males .............24,672..........67.6.........17.6..........2.1
Females.............5,950..........16.3..........4.1..........0.5
Whites.............27,710..........75.9.........11.9..........1.3
Nonwhites...........2,912...........8.0..........5.6..........0.9
Blacks..............1,957...........5.4..........5.3..........0.7
Elderly (65+ yrs.) .5,393..........14.8.........15.3..........0.3
Young (15-24 yrs.)..3,971..........10.9..........9.9.........12.3

Further Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity

Rate Per Group # of Suicides 100,000
White Male.......22,328........19.5
White Female .....5,382.........4.6
Nonwhite Male ....2,344.........9.3
Nonwhite Female ....568.........2.1
Black Male .......1,627.........9.2
Black Female........330.........1.7
Hispanic...........1850.........5.0

I also read that one in three teen aged suicides was gay or lesbian.

That's just a thought for you. So next time you go criticize someone, think about the number that you might be putting on the chart. And even though you may not care, put yourself in the family's shoes who will be losing this loved one, and reconsider how you treat or react to someone, just because of sexual orientation, outward appearance, or any other reason.






Some People Just Don't Get It....So Get It

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 9:25 PM | Posted in

Why is it that people think that the only thing that exists in the world is sex? Anymore, in my search for Mr. Right, all I can find is people who want sex. I mean, I myself am not a very sexual person, and sometimes it would be nice to find someone who just wants to cuddle, someone who just wants to have a conversation. Or maybe even find someone who doesn't care that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but cares about me for my great personality. Is it so much to ask for, to want someone who loves me for my soul. My body is not a toy, well, it is, but it is a sacred toy and I'm not going to give it to just anyone. I mean, seriously.....

Anyway, I just may have met someone special. Someone who actually thinks about me throughout the day, and lets me know. It's finally nice to know that I matter to someone. He makes me feel really special. Things he says to me, about me, and just everything. Let's hope nothing happens!!! Cause I deserve to be happy and I believe that this is my time! Jealous? don't be! You're time is coming too!!!

Everyone has someone out there. And we are all deserving of things. And how you live your life determines WHAT you're deserving of! So if you want a good man, or woman, or whatever the hell you're into, then live it! Just sayin......

Watch this!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:12 PM | Posted in

I want all who read my blog to watch this. Cause if there's anything I know, is that at times, we feel that it's the end. We are done. Can't continue, who are we kidding, right?! Wrong. Take a little trip with me. Watch this video, and let your heart be touched, just as mine was!


video

"THE"

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 4:40 AM | Posted in

Here is a little motivational speech that I came up with just for everyone on a website for men who have been sexually abused! And I thought it could be used in EVERYONE's life in some way, shape, or form!

Have you ever thought of the word, "the"? I mean, such a little word and yet has so much importance behind it. Have you ever tried to go throughout the day, and not use the word "the"? It is impossible!!!! Try it sometime!

"The" is the ONLY definite article of the English language!!!! "The" makes things happen here and now!!!!

The application:

How we live our life is important. we may seem so little, and so un-important, but really think about your life! How many things wouldn't happen, if you were not in existence? Could your family, place of work, your friends, your support groups, could they "happen" without you?

If not, then perhaps, we are doing something wrong. we should live with such a life, that we leave that impression of good character and uniqueness in our life. I mean, if I miss work, I want them to say, "OH NO!!!! He's the hardest working person I have!!!! What will I do????? I need "THE"!!!!!!!!!"

It is also said that the English language is the only language that has a definite article!

We should live our lives with absolutes! some definites! Meaning, in our lives, there are things that we should KNOW, and that will not change! Things like, I personally have my brother! I know, that no matter what, I will always have him! I know that my parents are an absolute in my life!!!!

"The" makes things happen here and now:

Do you make things happen "here and now"? Or do we live with the mindset that, "eh, I am a survivor, I have my struggles, they can go on without me"? Or going through life, not caring, or just not doing things because, "we aren't 'normal' anyway? Why not live as "the"?

We could take so many lessons from such a little word in the English language!

Something we need to think about often, is how are we living our life? They say that life is like a vapor. How are you living your vapor? It happens quick you know! How many of you are old enough, or maybe have seen, the old tea kettles, when your mother's would make tea? And coming out of the spout, was a vapor. And almost as soon as it would appear, it would disappear. our lives are the same way! They happen, but oh so quickly!!!!

Here's another way to put it. On tombstones, there are 2 dates. The day you were born, and the day you died. In between those dates, is a dash(-). That dash represents a period of time. For some it is short, and others long, but, none-the-less, it represents a period of time. This period of time, what will your represent? When people visit your graveside, will they look at your dash and say good things about it? Or will they say bad things about it?

This is just a few things to think about. and I would really like y'all to think about them. a simple punctuation mark like "-", and a simple article like "the", and a little bit of heat and water, and the relation to our lives.

I have a few challenges for everyone:

1) Try to look around you and think of your own life applications we can learn from the world around us. It is amazing how things were placed here, and they seem so minute, but they have so much to teach us!

2) Reply to this post with things in this life that can't go on without you! this could be a little bit of an encouragement and an eye opener for some, to see just how important you really are!


I also encourage any other comments to this post as well.......

Role call of friends

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 11:55 PM | Posted in

So this is one of those blogs where you don't know what to write, so you just write, wondering what you're going to say next.

Lately, I've been quite depressed, for a lot of reason's really. I mean, let's put it into perspective. I was born and raised a Christian. In their eyes, I had a lot going for me. I was playing 5 instruments for the church, practically made up the orchestra by myself, if I could have only figured out how to play all of them at once, I was interpreting for the deaf, I was doing so much with an addictions ministry, I had my own side ministry to men who have been and were being sexual, mentally, and/or physically abused, in the Christian's eyes, I had it all. But I lacked one thing, happiness.

What made things difficult was when I was 11 I knew 100% that I was gay. I also knew, that telling people would bring on consequences. You can't be a Christian and gay at the same time, right?!

So finally, 3 months ago I made the rough decision of coming out. It started out as a slow process, but ended up taking a week for the world to find out. It's amazing how the people who you think are your closest friends, would rat you out in a heart beat, knowing damn well that it would hurt you. Needless to say, as I'm sure you've figured out, someone else told the pastor before I could, and I found myself being called in his office and removed from my positions, but still being allowed to go to the church. There were of course stipulations, I couldn't wear makeup, which was funny, because I had been for almost a year and it wasn't a problem up til now. I also couldn't bring my boyfriends in and if I did, we couldn't hang on each other.

Problem is, I had already made up my mind that when I came out, I wouldn't linger around, where I'm not going to be liked. And, as you can imagine, and like anybody else's coming out story, I was disowned by many.

But I must say, for the most part, the church did well. Nobody really disowned me, though most don't speak to me, we have to give it time, as everyone now has to get used to the new me. Even I am getting used to the new me. But what hurt the most is the family, the ones who were suppose to be the biggest supporters, they were the ones who make the harsh comments, and disowned me, and stab me in the back.

As you can imagine, since I invested my entire life being around Christians, when I came out, I no longer had anyone to hang out with. So the past few months has been rough. I sit here day by day on this computer, and it has become my best friend. I do everything on it. We have dinner together, we play games, watch movies, drink coffee, I even talk to it, and sometimes it talks back. Okay, IT, doesn't, but the person on the other end of the Instant Messenger does. ;-)

I've tried many avenues of trying to find friends. I go to bars occasionally, even though I don't really drink, I am on websites galore, I've tried a lot of things, sometimes it just seems like there's no hope.

To top things off, I not only left the church as a gay man, I also left and became a Witch, a Pagan...and have also allowed myself to pick up my emo style. So I am a big let down to a lot of people.

But as I sit here and write this blog, I have to remind myself, that being Christian didn't give me all of my talents and abilities. I can still play all 5 instruments, I still interpret for the deaf, and I still have my outreach to men who've been sexually abused, and most of those guys all have addictions. So I guess it's true that you CAN have the best of both worlds. Better yet, I'll one up it, how about there isn't really any ONE world!

See, so many people live their life thinking there's only one way to do things. But nobody stops to think about what if you're wrong. Christians always come at me with the Bible. "Well you know that the Bible says it's wrong"....well, what if the Bible is just another fiction book?! Did you ever stop to think about that?! What if everything you live for, is a lie?! Why are we so closed minded anymore that we can't even see the possibility of us being wrong?

This is what I believe. I believe that in this world, there are many beliefs. But I don't believe any of them are wrong, they just aren't right for every person. So who are we to judge someone for being gay, or straight, or Wicca, or agnostic, or atheist, or anything else in the world? I'm so tired of people in the world being so critical of other people. GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!

Anyway, the point of this blog, is to thank the friends, even though you may be distant, or we may not do a lot together. And I apologize if I miss someone, it's not cause you're not important, it's cause it's 7 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep.

Probably my best friend right now, and person I am most close to, is Jon Webb. Jon has been there through my thick and thins. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my sexuality. He is the person I tell my deepest and darkest thoughts with.

Next is his brother Christian(or Xian as he prefers to go by) Webb. Xian has been the biggest inspiration to me, and though we only talk via Twitter and Yahoo IM, if we ever get Jon to get his ass busy, I'll get to meet him in person ;-). I've always admired Xian for being open about who he is, and never miss reading any of his blogs! Xian has a lot to offer the world. Xian is extremely cute, though I've never told him that, and he's going to read this and that's how he'll learn that I think he's cute. But that's okay, I'm allowed to think people are cute. :D

My 3rd, and one of my crushes..is Kevin Raskin. Kevin is a fellow interpreter for the deaf. I met him via facebook through a group for interpreters. I fell in love with him (not literally) almost immediately. He is a great looking guy, and the most kind and funny person. I think if he didn't live so far away, we may be inseparable. I do, and always did have a man crush on him, and it wasn't so secret. I've always openly flirted with him, even prior to coming out. Somehow Kevin manages to push through my consisting flirting and is also one of my best friends, to whom I tell everything. Something happens, I'm literally on the phone, either texting, Blackberry Messaging, or calling him.

Next, I would have to say I would put, Cris. Cris lives in Texas and we met online. He's a really cute 19 year old young man, and I love him to pieces. I hate that there's distance between us. Not only are we great friends, but I think we would make great lovers too! He makes me feel very special and every time I get a message from him, my face lights up and I can't help but smile!

And on to another, my friend Allen Hanberg. Poor Allen. I put him through the ringer! He's the most gorgeous 38 year old man I'd ever seen in my life, and if he'd put down the age barrier, I'd date him despite the distance. He lives in Utah. And I REALLY flirt with him heavily. But all in all, flirting aside, I value his friendship and wouldn't do anything to endanger it.

Then there's of course Amy Edwards. Amy and I met, because I work with her daughter, and she is a Starbucks addict, so she is in A LOT! I lover her to death! I could literally talk to her for hours!!! She's a mom and a best friend all in one. But I tend to think of her as a sister more than a mother. I also would like to mention that she is one of the most beautiful ladies, inside and out, that I've ever met.

Another great friend of mine is Julian Miller. We met on a 3d chat, and hit it off almost immediately. Yes, again, he's gorgeous! In fact, I would even stretch it to say he's an Italian god!!!!

Then the newest addition to this list, I just met this past week, and just talked to him a few hours ago, but I see us being great friends. His name is Christopher Nickell. He's a 21 year old I met on paganspace.net. He actually friend requested me, and after seeing his gorgeous face, how could I say no?! ;-) Anyway, I'll move on before it gets awkward.

The most important person in my life, and I would kill anyone over him, including the people in the above list, is my brother. Roy Thomas McDavid Jr. Throughout my entire life, I knew that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He did so much for me growing up, was a great role model, and has been my best friend and my everything. I only hope that one day I can repay what he has given me. Many will never understand.

I'm going to end this blog now, and would like to point out that if the person I mentioned had a blog or web page, their name is a link to it. Go and support them. ;-)

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:54 AM | Posted in

So, I was on the phone with a young man about my age tonight, and while I won't announce his issues, I will make up fake scenarios.

As most know by now, by my previous notes, I "counsel" men who have been sexually, physically, and/or mentally abused, with no professional attachment. In doing so, I often have many that call me wanting to commit suicide, and even if they're not wanting to commit suicide, they still don't want to live. And I so often just want to scream, "DON'T DO IT!!!" But I have to take a more calm approach, as screaming will only make them more upset and nervous.

So often times, people don't feel that they have a lot to live for, and that they are better off dead. One of the exercises I have them do is to make a list of all the positives in their life, even if it seems stupid. Using myself as an example, my list might look like this, and I'm only going to name 5 things.

1) music
2) strawberry milk
3) key lime pie
4) AJ, PJ, and TJ, my 3 fish
5) air

I basically have them pick the most obvious things that we oft' times over look. Things that are always there, but we seem to miss cause they're so "everyday". I have them put in positive characteristic traits, memories of their childhood, people, things, pets, food, etc....into this list. I never ask to see it! That is their business. After giving them their homework assignment, I just talk things out with them. What is going in their head? Why do they feel that way? Help them understand where that thought and/or feeling is rooted and then we start working on digging up the root.

I also help them to realize how it would negatively effect those around them, family members, friends, co-workers, etc....and help them to realize what they would be missing in the future.

In the 9 months I have been doing this, I have had 69 suicide scares and NONE follow through! It's all by the grace of God that He gives me strength to get through it!

Many times, through the sessions, I get very attached to these men. A few have I met in person, others, it's still over the phone, IM, or through the websites to which I meet them, but all of them become good friends! One thing I know I learned through counseling with my own pastor, is that I feel more comfortable talking about these issues knowing he's a friend, rather than talking to someone who is only talking to me cause he has a paper that gives him license. So, through many of my sessions there is personal attachment and so I have to be able to detach myself while talking to them.

So many times, in these modern days, there are MORE than MANY that feel suicide is the best answer! But my goal is to get people to realize that it's not! Sure, life is rough, but there is greater meaning and purpose!

Now, through my 9 months, I have come across a few cases that were just way out of my league. I am not dumb enough to take those ones. After all, I'm not licensed, schooled, and or skilled enough to take on some people's mental state of minds. Let's face it, there's some crazy people out there!

Oh, and I also feel compelled to add, that I am in no way a substitute for if they are working with a professional therapist and with a few cases, have even worked hand in hand with a therapist, at the request of the patient. The therapists agreed with my "talking with a friend easier than a therapist" analogy. And the patients know that I will be telling their therapist what they say, but it is easier for some to have a mediator when talking about some issues.

Another technique I use MANY times, is silence. I have found that in silence, a person feel insecure, vulnerable, uncomfortable and like they need to talk to cut the silence. So many times they reveal things about themselves, by rambling. Because they have to find things to talk about. And it usually just so happens to be things that are troubling them, things that are on their chest, or even just random subconscious thoughts that pop in their head. All of these, though sometimes may not make sense when they come out of their mouth, reveal many things about them to me, whether it be characteristically or just in general information.

Something I would like to add is a bit of my own testimony. When I was sexually abused, I had no one to talk to. I am a christian young man, how can I tell my parents that I have been involved sexually with 3 men?! I mean, whether I wanted to or not, it is still wrong right?! And it doesn't take away from the fact that it makes me gay?! Cause I was always told, in these words, that any guy who does things sexually with another guy, is gay! there was no stipulations, nothing. I had a lot to deal with when I was between the age of 10 and up, 10 being the start of my abuse. I had a lot of emotional and physical pain I was dealing with. There was some mild physical abuse involved. I was hurt, confused, crazed, inhibilitated, I didn't know how to cope with and deal with what had been done TO me. I had anger issues, I was rebellious, all of this being signs that something was seriously wrong with me. Unknowingly, many times, a kid/teen will act in ways that gets himself attention, to cry out for help. It is purely subconscious and unintentional, and it is their way of saying, something is wrong, and I don't know how to talk about it! Anyway, in dealing with my issues, I turned to cutting, and 2 times I even attempted suicide myself. I learned real quick that God has a preset time for us to go and we aren't going to die unless it's His timing, so you might as well go about it another way! So I am able to approach these issues from experience.

Anyway, that's my mild rant for today.
Adios.

STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:48 AM | Posted in

okay, so, i watched a tv program called "Witch Hunt" this evening. it was about people that had been falsely accused of sexual abusing their children as well as other children in the area and also a few of child porn. all of them were false accusations. now, obviously, nothing i am about to say is a biased opinion, as i was a victim of child sexual abuse(csa), but i saw a lot on there that made me angry.

for instance, the children who were "victims" were coached on what to say. they said, that the investigators and counsellors would sit there and say, did such and such happen to you? and when the child would say no, they would say, well, so and so saw it happen. i saw a lot wrong with this! besides the fact that the investigator just lied to the child in question, but they just confused and scarred this child for life! they looked at this kid and said, now, we don't want you to lie, but what we need you to do is lie. more than likely, the kids parents had instilled in him or her, not to lie, so they are sitting there thinking, "okay, i am not supposed to lie, but someone saw it happen, so it must have, right? so i will say it happened, cause it must have." they don't know whether they are telling the truth or lying. they've immediately been confused. they don't know whether they are coming and going.

then on top of that, these children grow up with that guilty conscience that, "why didn't they just tell the truth?!" "why didn't they do the right thing?!"

then there's the aspect, that the people who were accused, many of them lost YEARS of their lives. they lost houses, friendships, memories of their children's lives, milestones in their children's lives, they've lost pictures, home videos, friendships, their reputation, their dignity. they have gone through literal hell! and WHY?! because the government decided to stick their nose in business that wasn't theirs and now the people have to suffer for it. a relationship between a child and a parent is destroyed, and though they may reunite, that doesn't just go away!

i speak from many sides of my life, as i have seen so many people in my immediate family be falsely accused of things. some legal, some social, but none the less, they have gone through them. watching this program really just opened my eyes even more to the feelings that they have! i really couldn't imagine even now, being one that was accused of abusing my children, whether it be physical or sexual, but i do know that the on person i have in mind, the way i remember the person, would NEVER have touched their children in the way the other parent claims! and every time i see this family member, i just want to grab and hug them! they are scarred for life. WHY?! because someone isn't in their right mind. and because the government could give a flip about the accused, they think they're doing justice, but their not! now, i fear everyday, for my "little" family member's lives, because they're stuck with an idiot parent. if anyone did the abusing of their children, i think it was the parent that has them now! and i mean that whole heartedly! i tried to say that without a lot of detail being displayed, hope i was successful.

the point of this note, is to make people aware of things that goes on in everyday life. sure, you may not falsely accuse someone of abuse, or anything, but whether it is something that serious, or something minor, such as taking a drink of your soda, it is still a serious matter. we need to watch the words that come out of our mouth. why does everyone have to be "witches", as the program called these abusers. the basic idea of the title witch hunt, was back in the day, during the Salem Witch Trials. how suddenly EVERYONE was a witch. many people died innocently by being hung from a tree, why? because people thought they could accuse people of things just because "they thought"...NO......you can't! NO THINKING! thinking gets us in trouble!!!!!!


how many times, do you do something and while you're getting lectured, or spanked, or whatever the punishment, and what are the usual words that come out of your mouth, "well, I THOUGHT...."


STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!

bottom line. quit thinking about other people, and worry about yourselves. what are you doing in your life that would cause someone to look at you and say, hey, i bet they're doing.....? huh?! what are your faults?! let's start taking the beam out of our own eye before we remove the mote out of someone else's. i mean, seriously, why do we live our lives thinking that it's our job to critique everyone? what gives us the license to be the police of everyone?! except you Brent, you have that license! LOL you know what i mean by this cuz, i don't mean literal. ;-)

anyways, i think my rant is done, but i may be back.

Just some things I needed to get off me chest

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:41 AM | Posted in

as many people who REALLY know me, you know that i was sexually abused at the ages of 10 and 14. i never told anyone until last year-ish. so getting through a lot of the issues that followed, had to come from within myself. and if i do say so, i didn't do that bad of a job for being just a teenager. along with the abuse, i attempted suicide twice, running away from home on multiple occasions, and had HUGE anger issues. i had no respect for authority, and i really never thought i would make anything of myself, nor did anyone that knew me. the only difference was, nobody knew about my past abuse, except myself and God. i succumed many issues, and others, i didn't. now that i am an adult, and have gotten this far in my life, i consider it a "personal ministry" to help other boys and men, who have been sexually abused. but, i still have many issues. but it could be a LOT worse, as i have learned through the many "advice sessions" i have had with many guys from all different walks of life. i don't think people realize just how often this happens. boys and men are sexually abused probably the same, if not more, than girls and women. no matter the "amount" of the occurrence, it happens, and no matter what the gender, it is still wrong equally!

one of the issues i commonly hear and am tired of hearing, is the comparison of whether it is worse for a girl or guy to be abused, in any manner. why does this matter?! abuse is abuse and is wrong on the same level. it shouldn't happen! and the sad part is, it is going to happen, and it is going to happen more and more! and there's NOTHING we can really do about it. but is it so much to ask that we be there for those that go through it?

why is is that people toss the abused, whether it be sexually, mentally, or physically, aside, and ignore them?! sure, we have our issues, but we need love just as much. we need attention, we need friends, and we need to be cared about.

i would like to take this moment to state my stand on my abuse. YES! it was wrong what was done to me, and i believe full heartedly that it should NEVER happen to anybody! but, my stand is this. my abuse made me the person i am today. i wouldn't trade it for the world. i think that i have handled it well, and many men, don't! i see it and hear it everyday! and the way i feel about it, is, God allowed this to happen to me. see, there are a total of 32 guys that come to me for advice and help. and there are more to come. i am only about 9 months into my "ministry" to these men, and i already have 32 men! this is phenomenal!!! outside of these 32 men, i also have many who are just my friends, yes they come to me for advice, but as a friend. not as someone that i "counsel". i fully believe that God placed this in my path to help those who come behind me. and i do enjoy doing it. but along with many things in life, it comes with it's ups and downs.

like, i love being there for people. i always have and i always will! but along with being there for people, there's the whole, neglect of my need. while i do know that that is the point of being selfless, this is a different level of neglecting my need. i sit here, on this end of my computer, phone, and many times, across a counter, table, or desk, and comfort, and help, and spread love and encouragement, many times, i am having a rough day, or feeling down myself, and i have to put my feelings aside, and focus on the feelings of others. i have found this to be the key to true joy. i love it. but while i am pushing aside this need for love on my end, there isn't many people on my end who help and encourage me.

so i would like to take this time to thank the few people who do, and i am going to miss some for sure. and some i am going to purposely miss, because i am not sure you want your name mentioned in this note.

so, i would like to first, mention my Pastor. he has been awesome! i can always count on him to be there no matter what. secondly, my co-laborer in many ministries at the church, and my BIGGEST inspiration and help through my ministry, Bro. Dale Akin.

there isn't a moment gone by that he doesn't put his hand on my shoulder and tell me he loves me and is praying for me. he's always the first to call me and make sure that i am doing okay and i don't need anything etc. Bro. Dale and i run our Reformers Unanimous program together, he is the director, i am just the secretary, and we also sing together and he leads music when the music director is not able to be there for a church service, so we work together almost ALL the time! i love him to death! third, my parents.

can you imagine how hard it is, to, ten years after it happened, find out that your youngest son, your baby, was raped and molested?! from the moment they found out, they have been there and supportive! they are, or TRY to be, EVERYTHING that i need! i am forever grateful for the love and support they give to me! fourth, my brother.

my brother was the 3rd person i told. and he has been there for me even more than my parents are and have been! Tommy always has been my rock. my counselor and my best friend! Fifth, my aunt dana and uncle dick.

they only found out recently, like months ago, but even without knowing, throughout my whole life, i could ALWAYS count on my aunt and uncle to be there for us. whether it be to loan us money, or giving us clothes, or food, rides, etc. there are many times we didn't even deserve it, and yet their unconditional love was radiant! i love them with all my heart and i don't know where i would be without them!!! they would give you the clothes off of your back if you wanted them!!! wonderful people! and i feel honored that God chose my family to place them in!!!! Fifth, my music director, Kevin Bradstreet.

he doesn't even realize how much he has been there for me. many times, when i get down, all i wanna do is clean, or work. it's part of my OCD. and i have noticed a pattern that whenever i am more down than usual, he gives me more work to do. and i LOVE it! church is my life! and i get criticized ALL the time for devoting myself so much to it, but i don't care! it's what i love and it's what makes me happy. and then there's also the fact that he is just all around there for me! i know that if i need to talk, his door is always open! i don't normally use it, as Bro. Dale has beat him to it, but none the less, i know it's there! LOL

those are not really in that particular order, but those are the top 5 in my life. i am sure there are more than this, but i wanted to keep the number down a little for times sake. sorry if i missed you.

since this note is to get things off of my chest, i am going to do that just now, so if you're depressed, don't continue reading this right now, cause it will make it worse. there are some things that have gone on my life since i have "come out" about my abuse, and i am not going to give detail to anyone, so don't expect me to in a personal message either. my life motto, "if you don't already know, then it's more than likely none of your business."


okay, why is it that the day i chose to extend my helping hand to men such as myself, i get shunned by many close people to me?! why is it considered weird to help these people?! ESPECIALLY when i AM one of them! if you can't accept these men, then you can't accept me! and that hurts! especially when we've been friends for over 10 years! why is it automatically assumed that just cause we were abused, that we are going to abuse someone else?! why is it that when i am hold ing a baby, people watch me like a hawk?! like i'm a freak of nature?! like, WHERE'S HIS HANDS?! it hurts! i'm not going to water it down at all. it really hurts when i can't hold my "nephew" without parents breathing down my shoulder. after this accusation is made, obviously, i am going to pull away from the friendship! so why is it that it is suddenly my fault that we don't talk anymore?! what do you want me to do? brush it under the rug and pretend it never happened, while you sit there and give me weird looks and watch me like a hawk?! not going to happen! why is it that while i am sitting here focused on other people's needs, i only have a few people who verbally tell me that they love me and are here for me? i need the same treatment too ya know. call me selfish if you want, but i don't ask for much in life, but i think respect, love, friendship, and attention really isn't much to ask for. the prior concern in my life was brought on by someone the other day. we were talking in a group session that i was holding, and they were all telling each other positive things about each other and how much they love each other, and someone said, off to the side, "I'd say i love you too, but you don't really need it." nnow, i know they didn't really mean it the way it sounds. but, even though i appear to be this strong, insightful, encouraging, always peppy and positive guy, i still need love and attention too! as of now, i have cried enough for one night and i am going to give it a break, but expect a continuation at some point!

Yet...another emotion pops into me head

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 2:57 PM | Posted in

So, this random thought just popped into my head, and I had to get it out....so here goes.

When I first came out, you know, like that wasn't hard enough! I had to have people who made their comments to me, gave their looks. I got used to it. But nothing hurt more than the day my mother looked at me and said, "You know, maybe God took your sister and Grandma so they wouldn't have to see what you'd become."

I'll never forget that. That cut me deeper than any friend or family member that had deserted me. I mean how much of a heartless bastard can you be?! I mean, seriously! I really don't think that the God that you serve would have ever said or done something that low!

That's what amazes em the most throughout this whole experience. You know?! Christians sit there and judge me for being who I am, and they make their smart comments, and give me their nasty looks, but they're being VERY hypocritical. I mean, do they really expect for me to just start believing in what they do because they're doing the exact opposite?! HELL NO!!! It just pushes me away even more!

I am quite pleased with what I believe in right now. With Pagans, we don't judge people, we don't hold them up to any certain light. We're very open minded. There is no real set way to live with our religion and beliefs. It's all different for each person. Why?! Because we believe that each person has a different path to take in life, and that doesn't make anyone any better than anyone else, it just makes us all the more different and unique!

So you can take your Christian beliefs and shove them up your tight assholes. Cause I don't want to have anything to do with it. When you can get your heads out of your asses enough to where whenever you open your mouths, shit doesn't fall out, then maybe I'll listen. Just sayin. Have a nice day....the Bon Jovi way!

OK...so...this one time...at band camp....

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:51 PM | Posted in , , ,

I chose that title, because this blog is totally inspired by "American Pie". I got to thinking today about what was so wrong with American Pie, besides it being pretty much completely straight themed. The answer? NOTHING! People just have a hard time accepting things they can't control, things they can't do, and things that christians have rated as private!

Sex is a common thing. It's normal! Who hasn't had sex, seen sex, or know what it is?! But I'm not only talking about things that are of sexual nature, but also things that aren't, such as, magick. Or as people call it, witchcraft.

I myself, am not only gay, but I'm also Wiccan, or your modern day witch. People don't believe magick is real but truth is, it is. It may not be the card and coin tricks you see in shows, but magick most certainly is real. I have seen and done many things in the 3 short months that I've actually been a solitary practicing Wiccan. So I personally have no issue talking about it, or believing in it. But if other people knew what I have seen and done?! They'd put me in a straight jacket.

One of my all time favorite movies always has been the Salem Witch Trials. That movie helped me to see what people are REALLY afraid of. It also helped me understand a lot of things about life. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend seeing it. I just bought it off of Target.com for like, $10 on DVD including shipping, and it only comes in widescreen, but that is one of the features of the movie that makes it so interesting. Normally I hate widescreen.

Anyway, why are people so afraid of magick? Why can't they accept that it exists? Why is sex something that is kept quiet? My personal opinion is this. I believe that man, while trying to feel dominant, created all these "rules" or preferences to try to control the world. For instance, back to witches, back when witches were burnt at the stake, did you know that most of the women who were being martyred were just women that could do what men could...such as the mid-wives? But there are male witches too....so why weren't men being hung and burned at the stake? Because it was just another way for men to feel dominant! That's my opinion! Take it or leave it!

Things life brings our way

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:47 AM | Posted in

Sometimes I wonder about things that life causes us to do, and brings our way. Just a few moments ago, I had to write an email to my best friend, my cousin, and to top it off, she was also like my sister.

See, I was born and raised Independant Fundemental Baptist, as was she. But I always knew there was something different about me. Something that if the world knew, I wouldn't be as accepted, well liked, and things would never be the same. I am gay.

Just three short months ago, I came out, and naturally, just as I had feared, I was not well accepted anymore, wasn't liked as much, and got shunned by many people. By the church? you ask? No, not really. Yes, naturally, a few have a hard time with it, as you'll find in any group of people. But those that had the hardest time with it, was the family.

It was 3 months before my grandmother spoke to me again. I visited the church with her, and was not spoken to by the family that was at the church, including this cousin. I had many "friends" that just walked right past me, many that didn't even bother to do that. Then there was the few that actually came up and talked to me.

Needless to say, throughout this entire experience, I have found out who loves me, and who are assholes.

Just moments ago, I made the hard decision of sending an email to my cousin, telling her....well, I'll let you read it.

"I am sorry that you couldn't come to terms with life, and in turn have blocked me out. But truth is, I don't need people to live and go on with my life. I have my real friends, and the family who cares about me, and this time in my life has shown me those who truly care, from those who don't. I really appreciate you finally showing your true feelings towards me. It is now time for me to move on, and that is just what I am going to do.

I'm afraid it's really too late to reverse anything that's already been done. It's kind of amusing. My entire life I invested in christians, and in my greatest time of need, it was the christians who stabbed me in the back and forsook me. That's okay. At least I know who is real and who isn't. I'm sure we'll see each other around, it's inevitable. We're family, and you're stuck with me. Sorry I can't be permenantly erased as you obviously would prefer me to be.

I hope that you have a nice life.

Philip"

After sending this email, I feel quite relieved and like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my chest. Yes, I am quite hurt by how I've not only been treated, but also by how I've NOT been treated! But life goes on, and so must we. So until next time, Stay Cute!