Reader Discretion is Advised!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 2:07 PM | Posted in

Okay, so today was a day of may events and non-events. Some were good, and some were bad, the others just don't matter enough.

This morning, I woke up, and something dawned on me. I'm scared of love. I know it sounds crazy, but I really am afraid of love. It's not so much the getting hurt part, it's the literal loving. Everything about it scares me. This is both an emotional thing, a sexual and physical thing, it's everything about it. Ever since I knew I was gay, I always told myself and convinced myself that I was a top. This stems from a lot of things, the key factor being that the only gay sex I've had was forced upon me and was not enjoyable, and I didn't think I could go through it again. When I think of sex, I associate it with both emotional and mostly physical pain. But when I came out, and actually got involved in gay culture, I realized that I am not a top, but am in fact a bottom. There's nothing "top" about me. I am also OCD, and cannot have or put things in my mouth, therefore oral is an issue for me. This really limits me as a gay man. Then, to top it off, The last time I was raped, the "guy" was massive....if you want measurements, I'll tell you cause he "got off" on making measuring himself as foreplay....needless to say, to this day I still bleed anally, and yes, I've been to the doctor. They said they don't see where I'm bleeding from because it's not a constant thing so they can't fix it, but the bleeding is little, so it's not really anything to worry about..and they're right. It doesn't last very long. Anyway, this scares me about not being able to please my man!

As far as emotionally, it is hard to explain, but I fear not only loving, but being loved. What if I cannot live up to my part of a partnership? What if they cannot live up to their end of the partnership? What if I'm taken advantage of? What if I'm cheated on? What if..... Normally I can bypass "what ifs" but for this issue of loving someone, I just can't get past it. I don't want to be like those people that sleep around and end up with diseases and such, and/or no heart just a constantly hard penis that does all the thinking for them. I hate those guys that only want hookups and when they find out that they have to be with you longer than 5 minutes for you to drop your pants they stop talking to you. I don't want to be associated with those shallow guys...but anymore that seems like the gay culture norm. So where are all the guys like myself that actually want something meaningful and lasting?

Something else that plays into this is the whole relationship thing. When we think of relationships, we think of walking around in public holding hands, some PDA going on, and such..but for us gay people, it's not just that simple. There's more that gets factored in. There's gay bashing, nasty looks, dirty comments, etc..... I have to keep asking myself if I'm ready to face it.

You would think this wouldn't be an issue since I wear heavy makeup all the time, and I wear gay pride jewelry, but it is different when there's two of you and you're making public affection...it's not as accepted as being ONE gay individual. I am really afraid that one day something might happen that will scar one or both of us for life, maybe even kill us.

Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. I know that being gay is not like a tragedy, obviously! I think that it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I do however know that it's not all Peaches and Cream all the time either.

Then on top of the constant ridicule, there's the normal struggles that every couple has whether gay or VOMITstraightVOMIT...lol. Sorry, you know I have to throw humor in there.


ANYWAY!!!! Moving on to a GREAT topic! My mother....O....M....G.....my mother. I was to meet CJ today, a guy I've been talking to for a while. Mom out of the blue surprised me by making a Halloween basket for CJ. It was a glass pumpkin she filled with candy. I know it sounds stupid and small...and you're like, "What's the big deal?!" Well, this is a GOOD big deal!!! As most who read my blog know, I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so therefore, my parents are strict Baptist. When I came out, I not only came out as a gay man, but I also converted to Wicca. This was a lot for my parents to deal with at once, but they never strayed from my side in loving me. Sure, they made and still make, comments here and there, but they still loved me and made sure I felt it and knew it too. So this morning when Mom did the "act of kindness" towards the man that she may eventually be taking on as her "son-in-law", it touched my heart something fierce. I knew at that moment, that even if loving and being loved hurt....I would always have my family behind me to back me up and help me get back on my feet.

I want a relationship....so why is this an issue?! Why is my brain being a fucktard?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Thoughts are welcome and wanted.

He Loves Me......

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 8:16 PM | Posted in

So yesterday, as most know, my family had an outing at Cedar Point. It was planned by my brother, Tommy, and was an open invitation for all family, including extended. For starters, it was only my brother, his girlfriend, Andrea, and my father, and myself. So I was having a good time. They're all awesome! But as the day progressed, more of the extended family sporadically showed up. Some like me, others don't. Such is life.

But most of the ones who don't like me, are the ones who were the closest to me to start with. That's the bothersome part. As the day progressed, I just felt awkward, out of place, like I had nowhere to belong. The family that liked me would try to include me in their conversations but the family that didn't like me would cleverly and sneakily back out. I only noticed cause I was already paranoid.

Anyway, as time went on, things got better. The family eventually saw that I'm still the same, only better. Because I didn't have the misery of hiding a huge secret, and everyone was talking to me by the end of the night. Though it wasn't the same as it usually was, they were talking. I now see what the new normal will be, and I can accept it. Mainly because they're christians and I try to keep my distance from them, unless they have proven themselves to me, that they are not the normal christian that judges and hates.

After Cedar Point, some of us went to Friendlys for breakfast, or dinner, or whatever is eaten at 2am, and we had a good time. Our waitress, Buffy, was a Wednesday night minister, and when we went to pray, she joined us. She was the type who hold hands when they pray, so you know the situation. Where you're sitting there and someone starts to grab someone's hand for prayer, so you hesitantly start reaching for those around you. You know? That really awkward moment? Yeah, well, that was the moment that made my life worth living again.

I was sitting in between my brother and my father. My brother before I had a chance to realize what was going on, grabs my hand tightly, and just smiles at me affirmingly. It was that smile that he was doing it not only to be funny, but also because he knew that I really just needed to know that he doesn't feel weird around me just because I'm gay. He gripped my hand tightly and I almost cried but I refrained. Well, until I excused myself for the restroom after the prayer. I really do have the most wonderful brother in all the world!

Anyway, that's where the "He Loves Me" comes in. I also found out that my brother planned yesterday hoping to break the "Coming Out Tension". Just goes to show that my brother will always have my back!

There's No Place Like Home

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 7:06 PM | Posted in

Okay. So most of my friends know, I LOVE to wear cowboy boots. It has a lot to do with my scoliosis as the raised heel sets my spine, but today, another reason popped into my head. One to which I never paid attention to until then. I work at Starbucks, as most know, and so I deal with a lot of posh people ranging from business people, to just people who dress important to feel it. And it dawned on me a similarity in personality traits.

So there I stand, watching as the people click there way through the day, heads held high. But why? Most of them don't like how they live. They're unsatisfied with their houses, their cars, their families. So what gives them this feeling and attitude of importance?! I'll tell you what! Their shoes! Did you ever notice that if a person is wearing shoes to which the heels click when they walk, they feel important?! It gives them this feeling of power, that nobody has anything on them! They just feel so...I don't know, confident!

And let's look at another scenario. Wizard of Oz. What does Dorothy do to get home?! Clicks her heels. Why?! Cause everyone knows that heels that click is the answer to almost anything! DUH!!!

But anyway, just thought I would blog about my new findings and observations.

Thanksgiving

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 7:46 AM | Posted in

Now, I hate food, so Thanksgiving, I kind of dread. BUT, I do love cooking!!! So this year, with me coming out, and being a Wiccan, and my family pretty much forgot I existed on purpose, I requested to my parents that they allow me to do Thanksgiving at our house. Since I am 22 years old, and once I am done with Beauty School, I plan to move away I won't be around forever, so we might as well take advantage of the holidays we have together. They agreed, and we invited some family over that we know don't have the money for holidays, and that we knew would be alone, and also that still liked me. LOL...anyway, yesterday I started to prepare the menu, and BOY can I not wait this year!

So far this is the menu:
lemon-herb roasted turkey
cranberry-pomegranate sauce
creamy spinach bake
green beans with bacon-walnut vinaigrette
broccoli-bacon casserole with cheesy mustard sauce
bacon twice baked potatoes
sweet potatoes with cinnamon honey
picnic potato casserole
gingerbread pumpkin trifle
peach melba molded salad
cranberry ribbon cheesecake
pumpkin-ginger pie with gingersnap streusal


Now, like I said, I hate food. I only eat cause I know I have to for survival. But I LOVE to cook! It's the one legacy I can carry on from my late grandmother and forever best friend, Alice Belle Thompson Work. When I am cooking, I feel her presence standing over me just like I was 9 again, when she first started teaching me to cook! I feel her warmth hovering over me, her hand on my shoulder, her voice in my ear telling me what to do. I feel her sweet sensitive spirit just enveloping the place with her joy, cheer, and love. When I'm in the kitchen, it allows me to remember, and relive the everyday lessons she would give me in cooking. My grandmother was the best cook on the face of the earth and I can never live up to her level, but I will deafinitely make her proud by living up to my own level. That's all she would ever ask of me. I have her every recipe. Family members have her recipes on paper, but what they don't have is the secrets she never wrote down, and that is something I'll never eliminate from my existence.

Having my grandmother's secrets always gives me a sense of closeness with her, a feeling of importance. Something that I will never allow anyone to take away from me. My grandmother always told me that one day I would be something. Something people could only WISH to be, and I never believed her. But I sit here in front of the computer, typing this, and emotions overwhelm me, as I realize she was right.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm great. But what I am saying is that a lot of what I do, who I am, and what I will be, people would die to do, be, and become. And there's not a day go by that I take for granted that which I have been trusted with. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that I will never forsake it, turn my back on it, or regret it.

I need to end this blog before I become a tear filled queen. lol

Truth Revealed, Now to Get to Work

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:37 AM | Posted in

So, I was talking to my good friend Xian today, and was telling him about my passion to write a book. This is something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but I never knew what my subject would be. But I knew that if I waited long enough, it would come to me.

While talking, I was talking about the blindness of parents and such. The main topic was how parents are so blinded by what THEY want, that they don't see the real truth. For years, I knew I was gay and acted as a gay person, but if you ask my parents, they'll tell you that they had their ideas, but had no clue that I was gay. See how that doesn't make sense?! Yet, in their minds, it is a complete reality. They were in such denial that one of their own children could be gay, that they took blatantly obvious clues, and hid them behind their own desires. Now, 11 years later they are faced with the reality and have to accept it.


So my book is going to be based on the parents side of coming out and ways that we as gay people, or GLBTQ people, can understand our parents struggles better, and help them overcome their own fears and such. It is going to be a "Coming Out for Dummies" book basically. I come from a baptist background, and I know how I was raised and such. I am a very observant person and I have a very wise and open head on my shoulders. And though I am only 22, and people may think that I'm not qualified to write a book, especially since I've only been out as a gay man for 4 months, I know for a fact that I am more than qualified. So, consider this the announcement of my new book, and I hope that I can count on y'all, my readers, for your input along the way!

I am sure that most of my blogs will be in support of my book, basically summing up ideas and such that pop in my head. This book will also be covering the suicide issue from many angles as well. Not just being gay, but I'm also going to attack the suicide rates of parents whose children are gay as well. I'm going to aim to help us, as GLBTQ citizens, to understand that, even though our happiness is important, it is also important that we fully understand the impact that it has on everyone's life around us. From the viewpoint of people that pass us on the street, work with us, went to church with us, grew up with us, close family, distant family, religious, non-religious, I'm throwing all these in. I am going to interview people personally for the input, not just assume I know what they think.

So, for starters, if you would like to participate in my book, whether it be by being interviewed, or knowing someone that you'd like to have interviewed, by all means contact me at terpprm@yahoo.com. We will work something out. There is no deadline, as I'm just starting. I haven't even started planning yet, as I'm letting the book idea simmer for a bit so I can fully grasp the subject in its entirety. Thanks ahead of time!!!

Insecurities.....

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 8:33 PM | Posted in

So I thought I would talk about insecurities in this blog, mainly my own.

First of all, I KNOW that I'm a very insecure person. I have a HUGE fear of being alone, and dying alone. I've been hurt so many times in my life, I feel worthless, and like I'm used property. I often feel depressed about life. Let's face it, we never have as many friends as we want. I second guess myself, my decisions, and everything. I am very high on insecurities and self esteem issues.

What got me to thinking about this is I was walking through work, at Target, and I saw a display of a beautiful lady wearing a beautiful outfit. And I found myself getting depressed cause I wasn't attracted to her. And immediately I got upset with myself. I am very happy as a homosexual! I don't regret one minute of it. But what played a big part in that scene, was my christian upbringing. It was drilled into my head that there is something wrong with being homosexual. So here I am, trying to be the "normal" that I was raised to be, when in fact, I am more than happy with who I am!

So why is it that we go through life trying to be what other people want us to be rather than answering our own calls, and choosing our own paths? Now, I'm not going to give my opinion right now, I'd like to hear what others have to say. Spread the word about my blog, get others involved, let's have us a little debate. ;-)

Just a Thought

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:40 AM | Posted in

I was lying in my bed, and a thought popped in. I had to get out of bed and blog this before I forgot.

I was thinking about the movie "Prayers for Bobby". I am sure most of you know of, or have seen the movie. Just in case I will recap. Basically a christian boy comes out of the closet, his family shoves him out of their lives, criticizes and abuses him. In the end, it took the boy committing suicide for the mom to realize what she should have from the beginning.

Now, being raised "christian" myself, I know what Christians are taught, and I know what they believe. I also know the difference between what they're taught and what they do. I am not going to sit here and try to defend them. But I know from the last pastor I had, he did NOT teach them to hate me, to shun me, or disrespect me, it is the Christians who CHOOSE to do so. Might I add that most of them from that church don't? Do you know why? Because the pastor has led them by example to love everyone no matter what!

Anyway, I was thinking about the ratio of GLBTs that are Christians. I did some research and found many numbers, but I am only going to use one of them, and I asked for guidance so I feel I chose a right and accurate one. 44% of the GLBT community, were once Christians. It was also stated that a GLBT person who was once a christian is 27 times more likely to commit suicide! That's heart breaking! And why do you think this rate is so high?! I'll tell you why! Because some Christians think that it's their job to judge and criticize other people. NEWSFLASH!!!! You can't replace God!!!

So here's a thought. I attempted suicide as a young teenager, 3 times, and I know that my reason for it was because I was scared to death of not being accepted by everyone I knew, aka Christians. And on top of it, I was dealing with sexual abuse and neglect of my family's attention, as I wasn't really liked anyway. So just how many suicides are caused by a christian? Let's stop and think about this. Who is known to be the most judgmental people on the face of the earth? Those that claim to be Christians. So why is it that they can't see just what kind of damage they are causing. I'm by no means saying that Christians should be ousted from the planet, I'm just simply saying that they need to really consider what their God would be doing if He were in their shoes! I highly doubt He would be the cause of suicides!

Using statistics, on average, there are about 32, 622 suicides a year. Here are some more statistics breaking down that number:
1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.

On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.

On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.

On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.

Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.

Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year olds.(1st = accidents, 2nd = homicide)
Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year olds.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.
Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.

Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.

More males die from suicide than females.(4 male deaths by suicide for each female death by suicide.)
More people die from suicide than from homicide.(Suicide ranks as the 11th leading cause of death; Homicide ranks 13th.)
73% of all suicide deaths are white males.

80% of all firearm suicide deaths are white males.

Among the highest rates (when categorized by gender and race) are suicide deaths for white men over 85. (54 per 100,000)

Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity / Young, Old Age Groups

                                             Rate Per
Number Per Day 100,000 % of Deaths
Total .............30,622..........83.9.........10.8..........1.3
Males .............24,672..........67.6.........17.6..........2.1
Females.............5,950..........16.3..........4.1..........0.5
Whites.............27,710..........75.9.........11.9..........1.3
Nonwhites...........2,912...........8.0..........5.6..........0.9
Blacks..............1,957...........5.4..........5.3..........0.7
Elderly (65+ yrs.) .5,393..........14.8.........15.3..........0.3
Young (15-24 yrs.)..3,971..........10.9..........9.9.........12.3

Further Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity

Rate Per Group # of Suicides 100,000
White Male.......22,328........19.5
White Female .....5,382.........4.6
Nonwhite Male ....2,344.........9.3
Nonwhite Female ....568.........2.1
Black Male .......1,627.........9.2
Black Female........330.........1.7
Hispanic...........1850.........5.0

I also read that one in three teen aged suicides was gay or lesbian.

That's just a thought for you. So next time you go criticize someone, think about the number that you might be putting on the chart. And even though you may not care, put yourself in the family's shoes who will be losing this loved one, and reconsider how you treat or react to someone, just because of sexual orientation, outward appearance, or any other reason.






Some People Just Don't Get It....So Get It

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 9:25 PM | Posted in

Why is it that people think that the only thing that exists in the world is sex? Anymore, in my search for Mr. Right, all I can find is people who want sex. I mean, I myself am not a very sexual person, and sometimes it would be nice to find someone who just wants to cuddle, someone who just wants to have a conversation. Or maybe even find someone who doesn't care that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but cares about me for my great personality. Is it so much to ask for, to want someone who loves me for my soul. My body is not a toy, well, it is, but it is a sacred toy and I'm not going to give it to just anyone. I mean, seriously.....

Anyway, I just may have met someone special. Someone who actually thinks about me throughout the day, and lets me know. It's finally nice to know that I matter to someone. He makes me feel really special. Things he says to me, about me, and just everything. Let's hope nothing happens!!! Cause I deserve to be happy and I believe that this is my time! Jealous? don't be! You're time is coming too!!!

Everyone has someone out there. And we are all deserving of things. And how you live your life determines WHAT you're deserving of! So if you want a good man, or woman, or whatever the hell you're into, then live it! Just sayin......