Been a while


Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 9:25 PM | Posted in

It has been a while since I've blogged last. I'm thinking perhaps I should get back to doing so, aye? So much has happened that I'm not going to bother catching you all up at once. You will be caught up as it happens. My main reason for posting is because it's been a long weekend. I've had a lot of epiphanies, and things I need to talk about.

Most people aren't all about putting their business out there. I however, embrace being an open person. On the other hand, I am trying to learn discreteness. Somethings we need to share with others, and somethings we don't. So bare with me as I attempt to decipher the two and create a meaningful blog.

You see, I've gone through my life, thinking I knew what happiness was. But in all honesty, I don't. I've been sure good at faking it. Sure, I've had happy moments in life, however, I don't believe I've ever reached a point in my life where I can say that I am truly, completely, and entirely happy. Which, I could turn this and say, "But who is?" But I'm not. Because, this blog is about me. Through events, that aren't of importance to anyone, I had to take this weekend to ask myself some questions. Those exact questions, I will not reveal. for they are personal. But I will however tell you the end result. when I summed up the answers to my questions, I not only wasn't happy, but I was lying to myself about a lot of things. Mainly, this blog is about happiness. After this weekend, I am lead to believe that many people, not just myself, go through life not really knowing what true happiness feels like. I think we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we do, but we don't. There are many emotions/categories to which I can tag myself in and relate to; anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, loneliness, etc, just to name a few. Happiness , however, is not one of them. I've always lived my life saying that I lived to make others msile. If I could make one person smile a day, then I can go to bed a happy person. Well let me tell you, it's not true. It was a lie I told myself to make myself think I was happy. By taking on the title of "life coach" to help men who've been through what I have, I told myself it made me happy, but honestly, it just made my healing process hurt even more. And with that said, I must announce, that my days, as a mentor for sexually abused men is done. It is time for I, Philip R. McDavid, to take a step back and to start his healing process. I know that this may be a set back to those to whom I help, but I think they'll understand and support me, as they know what it's like to be broken, torn apart, and feeling so hurt by your own actions and others actions towards you, that you just need to take that step towards the person who is extending their hand to help you. For me, that person is my boyfriend, my lover, and my future husband. It is through his love, that he has allowed me to see that I am worth something, for who I am, not who I pretend to be. He sees past the walls I've set up, he sees the dirt I've got stashed away in places that even I don't know where it is, and yet, he loves me anyway. The best part is, he loves me for who I am, not for the person I could be if I'd clean up the dirt. He's allowed me see that I deserve a better life than I have now. He has loved me unconditionally, and without fail, and it is time for me to return that love, but in order for me to be able to return that love, I must first love myself. Like Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you going to love somebody else?!" And that's the truth. Oh sure, I can "love" him. But can I LOVE him, the way he deserves?

In this journey that we call a weekend, I also put a lot of thought into my life. Currently, I am dealing with a lot of health issues. I am finding that a lot of them, are traced back to emotions that stir inside you and don't go away. They cause things like ulcers, migraines, depression, anxiety, etc. The four I listed are the 4 I have.. However, I'm not quite to the point of ulcers, they were able to catch it before it got that far. But it was this that made me step back and evaluate my life. What about me makes me depressed? Well I will tell you. It has everything to do with everything I've already discussed and more.

As of now, I don't know where I need to be, but I know that I need to not be living with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but that's all the more reason we need to not live together. I think we would get along so much better if they didn't see the way I lived. I won't get into detail on that. Also, there's just a lot going on right now in my house, again, I have to take the discrete road on that. Just know, that I feel this is the right road for me to take. It's time for me to move on. I'm 23, I'm young, I'm ambitious, and quite honestly, I'm ready to stop the facade and be happy for once. In doing so, I must change my environment. This means changing work, life, living, school, etc. Which also leaves me at the question of where do I go? How do I get there? How do I afford it? and the like. I haven't yet answered these questions, so I won't attempt to here. But I am open to hear what everyone has to offer by way of their thoughts.

There are so many points I was and am hoping to hit in this blog, but the more I type, the more I forget. So I'm going to leave it at this. The rest I will save for later blogs.



Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:41 AM | Posted in

Okay, so it's been a while and a lot has happened. I a now in school again, taking 3 degrees at one time, Web Design, Software Development, and Graphic Design, all at the same time. This semester, I'm taking 17 credits, on the board for 2 clubs, working the campus starbucks, and still doing drag. Speaking of, Miss Lily Desmond, is now an Internationally recognized drag queen, even though I'm not taking that gig. It goes against my moral values and I'm not talking about it with anyone. She is also House Diva at 2 clubs and does some traveling. Currently we are working on her promotional DVD.

I also have come across a great guy. He's hot as hell, and such a sweetheart, he treats me well. He wrote me some poems today from the top of his head. He's everything I've ever wanted so far. He's good to me. I'm not going to give out too much detail about him, because he's a private person so I want to leave it that way.

Here's some updated pics of the Miss Lily Desmond.

Update on Lila


Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 11:46 AM | Posted in

So it's been a while since I've talked about my drag career. It's going. Can't say I'm a top notch performer yet, but it will take some time. I'm doing alright for myself. I have two drag Daughters Lola Martinez and Tiffany Martinez. They're beautiful, both are wonderful entertainers. Here's some pics of me. I'm going to get going....Stay cute everyone!

What is Love?


Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:18 PM | Posted in

It has been a while since I've posted a blog of any sort. And lately, something has been pressing me due to a conversation between a friend and I. We were discussing my current boyfriend and he was pressing me to say I love him. Being that we were together for a month, I do not feel this is appropriate yet for a lot of reasons. This pressed me to do a blog on the topic of love and relationships.

First off I want to say that there is a major difference in love and in love. And I think too many times, people rushing things overlook those differences. They only loving the person, think they are in love, when in fact, they aren't. a lot to put into play when deciding on love for a person.

Do I love my boyfriend? of course! I love everyone til they give me a reason not to. That's just who I am. However, I do not feel that I am in love with him. And rightfully so....seeing as we are a fresh relationship, we can't possibly be in love. But why do people feel the need to rush these things? I sure don't hate him. But I am not in love with him.

I think that people need to be more careful in the speed of the movement of the relationship? It really explains divorce rate and heart break rate. So people, lets start thinking a little more before we rush things with people. Even when you've been together a long time, you still NEVER fully know a person.

It's Been A While


Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 10:24 PM | Posted in

I haven't blogged in forever, let's see what's new....hmmmmm......

So, Lila Signs is officially alive. I'll post pics. I think she's doing amazing for the short 2 weeks she's been doing it, and can't wait to see what she'll become in the future.

I am doing shows at Bottoms Up in Lakewood, Ohio, under the direction of the mot fabulous queen I know, Erica Martinez. We are even talking of me becoming her daughter! I am totally excited about that! I knew the minute I decided to become a Drag Queen, that I wanted to be apart of her family, and I knew the answer before she even asked. The complication comes in in the area of dancing. I don't. My friend, Christopher, is going to help me in that area. I also have my friend Ryan, who will be helping me by mixing tracks for me to perform. My friends have REALLY pulled together to help me in this. I have a few coworkers and regular guests that have been totally supportive, and yes, even some who are complete two faced bitches and can't say to my face what they do to everyone else behind my back. But I'll find that anywhere.

I am looking for a new job, since Target doesn't want to accommodate my needs. I really love my job at Starbucks. But when something doesn't pay the bills, it's time for a change. And Lila is expensive!

I think I'm just going to end this blog. Later

Stupid Breeders


Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 6:06 PM | Posted in

I was just talking to a friend of mine, and I thought of a topic to blog about. This is something I told my parents when I first came out, and it seemed to help mend things a little.

You know, I am completely against coming out of the closet. Hell, I'm against having to be in one in the first place! Let's put this into perspective! If people would start minding their own business, our sexuality wouldn't be an issue. I mean, why does it matter anyway?! If you're not planning on sleeping with me, then my choice of partner shouldn't matter to you! This is why I have a hard time with family that won't speak to me over my sexuality. Did I change your mind? Did you have a sick fantasy of wanting to sleep with me? Is incest your thing? I didn't think so. SO GET OVER IT!!!!!

Lila Signs


Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 4:24 AM | Posted in

So, in order to attempt to make school happen, I need money. And the one way I have found to make this happen, was to become a Drag Queen. While I haven't TOTALLY made up my mind, I am entertaining the idea. So far I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it. Lila Signs is my name and I will explain why. Anyone who has followed my blog for any length of time knows I'm an interpreter for the deaf. So of course, I had to add my own twist on DQ's, and I am a Drag Queen for the Deaf. I have spoken to Erica Martinez, the best Drag Queen I've ever known, and she is going to take me under her wing and help me get started. Yes, this includes a girls day out shopping :D

Now, as for the name. There is this movie called "Latter Days" and it's about this closeted gay who was a mormon missionary and was found out when he and his gay lover were walked in on. He was sent home where his family hated and resented him and he couldn't take it so he slit his wrists. He was not successful in suicide, so they stuck him in a facility to brainwash him and change his sexuality. But he escaped and ran back to the man he loved. The restaurant owner where his lover worked was called Lila's. And so I put that together with what sets me apart from other Drag Queens and came up with Lila Signs.

So there's my biggest news. Add me on Facebook by clicking on my Drag Name throughout this post. Pics will be posted there and even videos.