tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-81221725163631097612024-02-18T22:34:56.424-08:00ROYGBIVPhilip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.comBlogger29125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-90825915210168264582011-04-10T21:25:00.000-07:002011-04-10T23:16:56.293-07:00Been a while<div align="left">It has been a while since I've blogged last. I'm thinking perhaps I should get back to doing so, aye? So much has happened that I'm not going to bother catching you all up at once. You will be caught up as it happens. My main reason for posting is because it's been a long weekend. I've had a lot of epiphanies, and things I need to talk about. </div><br /><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left">Most people aren't all about putting their business out there. I however, embrace being an open person. On the other hand, I am trying to learn discreteness. Somethings we need to share with others, and somethings we don't. So bare with me as I attempt to decipher the two and create a meaningful blog. </div><br /><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left">You see, I've gone through my life, thinking I knew what happiness was. But in all honesty, I don't. I've been sure good at faking it. Sure, I've had happy moments in life, however, I don't believe I've ever reached a point in my life where I can say that I am truly, completely, and entirely happy. Which, I could turn this and say, "But who is?" But I'm not. Because, this blog is about me. Through events, that aren't of importance to anyone, I had to take this weekend to ask myself some questions. Those exact questions, I will not reveal. for they are personal. But I will however tell you the end result. when I summed up the answers to my questions, I not only wasn't happy, but I was lying to myself about a lot of things. Mainly, this blog is about happiness. After this weekend, I am lead to believe that many people, not just myself, go through life not really knowing what true happiness feels like. I think we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we do, but we don't. There are many emotions/categories to which I can tag myself in and relate to; anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, loneliness, etc, just to name a few. Happiness , however, is not one of them. I've always lived my life saying that I lived to make others msile. If I could make one person smile a day, then I can go to bed a happy person. Well let me tell you, it's not true. It was a lie I told myself to make myself think I was happy. By taking on the title of "life coach" to help men who've been through what I have, I told myself it made me happy, but honestly, it just made my healing process hurt even more. And with that said, I must announce, that my days, as a mentor for sexually abused men is done. It is time for I, Philip R. McDavid, to take a step back and to start his healing process. I know that this may be a set back to those to whom I help, but I think they'll understand and support me, as they know what it's like to be broken, torn apart, and feeling so hurt by your own actions and others actions towards you, that you just need to take that step towards the person who is extending their hand to help you. For me, that person is my boyfriend, my lover, and my future husband. It is through his love, that he has allowed me to see that I am worth something, for who I am, not who I pretend to be. He sees past the walls I've set up, he sees the dirt I've got stashed away in places that even I don't know where it is, and yet, he loves me anyway. The best part is, he loves me for who I am, not for the person I could be if I'd clean up the dirt. He's allowed me see that I deserve a better life than I have now. He has loved me unconditionally, and without fail, and it is time for me to return that love, but in order for me to be able to return that love, I must first love myself. Like Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you going to love somebody else?!" And that's the truth. Oh sure, I can "love" him. But can I LOVE him, the way he deserves? </div><br /><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left">In this journey that we call a weekend, I also put a lot of thought into my life. Currently, I am dealing with a lot of health issues. I am finding that a lot of them, are traced back to emotions that stir inside you and don't go away. They cause things like ulcers, migraines, depression, anxiety, etc. The four I listed are the 4 I have.. However, I'm not quite to the point of ulcers, they were able to catch it before it got that far. But it was this that made me step back and evaluate my life. What about me makes me depressed? Well I will tell you. It has everything to do with everything I've already discussed and more. </div><br /><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left">As of now, I don't know where I need to be, but I know that I need to not be living with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but that's all the more reason we need to not live together. I think we would get along so much better if they didn't see the way I lived. I won't get into detail on that. Also, there's just a lot going on right now in my house, again, I have to take the discrete road on that. Just know, that I feel this is the right road for me to take. It's time for me to move on. I'm 23, I'm young, I'm ambitious, and quite honestly, I'm ready to stop the facade and be happy for once. In doing so, I must change my environment. This means changing work, life, living, school, etc. Which also leaves me at the question of where do I go? How do I get there? How do I afford it? and the like. I haven't yet answered these questions, so I won't attempt to here. But I am open to hear what everyone has to offer by way of their thoughts.</div><br /><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left">There are so many points I was and am hoping to hit in this blog, but the more I type, the more I forget. So I'm going to leave it at this. The rest I will save for later blogs.</div><br /><div align="left"></div><br /><div align="left"></div>Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-51345753789159112542011-01-26T00:41:00.001-08:002011-01-26T00:54:47.368-08:00DAYUMN!!!<div><br /><br /><div><br /><br /><br /><div>Okay, so it's been a while and a lot has happened. I a now in school again, taking 3 degrees at one time, Web Design, Software Development, and Graphic Design, all at the same time. This semester, I'm taking 17 credits, on the board for 2 clubs, working the campus <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">starbucks</span>, and still doing drag. Speaking of, Miss Lily Desmond, is now an Internationally recognized drag queen, even though I'm not taking that gig. It goes against my moral values and I'm not talking about it with anyone. She is also House Diva at 2 clubs and does some traveling. Currently we are working on her promotional DVD.</div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div>I also have come across a great guy. He's hot as hell, and such a sweetheart, he treats me well. He wrote me some poems today from the top of his head. He's everything I've ever wanted so far. He's good to me. I'm not going to give out too much detail about him, because he's a private person so I want to leave it that way. </div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div>Here's some updated pics of the Miss Lily Desmond.</div><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwGW4dqL8UipSUNhRSKgJnpDRsnQJd9EbxvZgFwXFwo4_4jp4XFo71sOyYDJ_Hys2zjeszpXSi5eeaFyJbwBHf4QrId1trMvcnvFU_dkx9UUZYWMRwVnFo5WQaYfzqFWcMx1whjHBMVS4/s1600/018.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: left; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5566413679004334850" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwGW4dqL8UipSUNhRSKgJnpDRsnQJd9EbxvZgFwXFwo4_4jp4XFo71sOyYDJ_Hys2zjeszpXSi5eeaFyJbwBHf4QrId1trMvcnvFU_dkx9UUZYWMRwVnFo5WQaYfzqFWcMx1whjHBMVS4/s200/018.JPG" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuvmReaT4ntRlba9u84h3-PamXQh1lZW15And4QoaNg9PYssJghz6smX8z8d5DYLveCsWYP8nrRxthz1yCwxNJio_wUwnSJ9jrI1tfwREnuM9hXG45c9PoU6n0XGi3Jwos2z0irHz4ThY/s1600/030.JPG"><img style="MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 200px; FLOAT: right; HEIGHT: 150px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5566414458491628002" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuvmReaT4ntRlba9u84h3-PamXQh1lZW15And4QoaNg9PYssJghz6smX8z8d5DYLveCsWYP8nrRxthz1yCwxNJio_wUwnSJ9jrI1tfwREnuM9hXG45c9PoU6n0XGi3Jwos2z0irHz4ThY/s200/030.JPG" /></a><img style="TEXT-ALIGN: center; MARGIN: 0px auto 10px; WIDTH: 150px; DISPLAY: block; HEIGHT: 200px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5566415038551217154" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2McqnLIRWQuohydVpQvhL-_Qbky_fmKG_YuYhGLL33JZ3_d1pTriE370boxXMX9lvGS2kKuDaPXXcGtIcQVp-6hh-RA6L-g5JoIM5IIn5_0RsHAZLya59OTPGJ-Xc6UW1QpbnI5AZ250/s200/048.JPG" /><br /><div></div></div></div>Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-36629185419038053972010-08-10T11:46:00.000-07:002010-08-10T11:56:25.481-07:00Update on Lila<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbDX0jfdwrioC4-KT6YPB-nC9z5HRh_RRBoIR1yAVgZOMlRmej35vIbjxfviHvQd5ewvplbGtiFcijAXuP4oi9DQpTKA16qWS-4PidXBKFtjsM9ypzq2m7bBkuRvnLSchD9nQqtxcm7DA/s1600/SAM_0058.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 196px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbDX0jfdwrioC4-KT6YPB-nC9z5HRh_RRBoIR1yAVgZOMlRmej35vIbjxfviHvQd5ewvplbGtiFcijAXuP4oi9DQpTKA16qWS-4PidXBKFtjsM9ypzq2m7bBkuRvnLSchD9nQqtxcm7DA/s200/SAM_0058.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503856599883201922" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_8gcw47D023yMTpcgbH5OJdovVH3xAY-WEgoc8dh-sZQ7BhOzfKaKDQbYR4uaYSYQqLUDyf1PtIkZUVgLkBfqHv27efKWl-lHiI7VFMoCyohvnvlfiTVPUaFioMJsF2sq-sI2U2Vqe8w/s1600/SAM_0056.JPG"><img style="display: block; 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margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_OcG1y1IbSmj9cY_5STonU5ijy9aQgiWrZmHohMffWofmWGWDCJDXg_JRXDDGWl6qSkG_SJRcbgie1HSpvoPW9Ma2gWtPBrejOzjrBZUWrTfSYvmafez8d3OpMBnUwItKWeAXbAL_yr8/s200/IMG00339-20100505-0140.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503855182762236114" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjELxZ_I3TBefDTRKLEejBPJILrnyN_1EVrOiJNnBuR6_80YHYHG_VefaD0dkZoXdlIdwKlubDDlnL9X8llDupTiyVqmCOMfkGz3gCdUjKRQ7sheoURANQJgmn47WiJJ0Zn0UnzBVJPALo/s1600/100_0442.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 155px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjELxZ_I3TBefDTRKLEejBPJILrnyN_1EVrOiJNnBuR6_80YHYHG_VefaD0dkZoXdlIdwKlubDDlnL9X8llDupTiyVqmCOMfkGz3gCdUjKRQ7sheoURANQJgmn47WiJJ0Zn0UnzBVJPALo/s200/100_0442.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503855212995053570" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZq8CtKSYX_yE5Vu8pgGjSIZB4khKR061t-qoj5EkyZPaXmZR5l1RBb5C_WC0Oarp-inmpHQi3dwWkAFiR3NEBuWAS5ZD2HHnaUzeIzu5MEQBISVmogKKduF3vc3jf_IqGCfPiVm1HF3Y/s1600/100_0394.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 147px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZq8CtKSYX_yE5Vu8pgGjSIZB4khKR061t-qoj5EkyZPaXmZR5l1RBb5C_WC0Oarp-inmpHQi3dwWkAFiR3NEBuWAS5ZD2HHnaUzeIzu5MEQBISVmogKKduF3vc3jf_IqGCfPiVm1HF3Y/s200/100_0394.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503855202630156434" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjScooYQ62pWFgZXcce9e1zki33F59bbT5wjBHoEALogFnUOJzAnao9aUPj6hc-5HePguYwN9e0E78ocLqdbgwCJrj9hGd_4M2Ujvmv-OmSzL_i4LccGsZixG63wddXiUj1sPARGqZiats/s1600/100_0358.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 167px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjScooYQ62pWFgZXcce9e1zki33F59bbT5wjBHoEALogFnUOJzAnao9aUPj6hc-5HePguYwN9e0E78ocLqdbgwCJrj9hGd_4M2Ujvmv-OmSzL_i4LccGsZixG63wddXiUj1sPARGqZiats/s200/100_0358.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503855200047314818" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-let6G02PiJwXY-F5Ojh6AkjL_dEis9AOvCyt33ZaqZPs6z5VUvEPNjCV7y7_snTVnBLjcQmLWfZqt4BT6ucZmdK_7yaN9EdLswR1NiFGCV5DdHeN4LehBxnNXgy81CBnRHBTT3cjMto/s1600/100_0342.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-let6G02PiJwXY-F5Ojh6AkjL_dEis9AOvCyt33ZaqZPs6z5VUvEPNjCV7y7_snTVnBLjcQmLWfZqt4BT6ucZmdK_7yaN9EdLswR1NiFGCV5DdHeN4LehBxnNXgy81CBnRHBTT3cjMto/s200/100_0342.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5503855189528460754" border="0" /></a>So it's been a while since I've talked about my drag career. It's going. Can't say I'm a top notch performer yet, but it will take some time. I'm doing alright for myself. I have two drag Daughters Lola Martinez and Tiffany Martinez. They're beautiful, both are wonderful entertainers. Here's some pics of me. I'm going to get going....Stay cute everyone!Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-5019622378909785002010-07-11T13:18:00.000-07:002010-07-11T13:26:49.211-07:00What is Love?It has been a while since I've posted a blog of any sort. And lately, something has been pressing me due to a conversation between a friend and I. We were discussing my current boyfriend and he was pressing me to say I love him. Being that we were together for a month, I do not feel this is appropriate yet for a lot of reasons. This pressed me to do a blog on the topic of love and relationships.<br /><br />First off I want to say that there is a major difference in love and in love. And I think too many times, people rushing things overlook those differences. They only loving the person, think they are in love, when in fact, they aren't. There.is a lot to put into play when deciding on love for a person.<br /><br />Do I love my boyfriend? of course! I love everyone til they give me a reason not to. That's just who I am. However, I do not feel that I am in love with him. And rightfully so....seeing as we are a fresh relationship, we can't possibly be in love. But why do people feel the need to rush these things? I sure don't hate him. But I am not in love with him.<br /><br />I think that people need to be more careful in the speed of the movement of the relationship? It really explains divorce rate and heart break rate. So people, lets start thinking a little more before we rush things with people. Even when you've been together a long time, you still NEVER fully know a person.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-78246767830314869462010-02-01T22:24:00.000-08:002010-02-01T22:36:22.926-08:00It's Been A While<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwyuIfNBcVjeBGcHUKRoVpcLMlfhGiek7MW13uv3LEX4hRlResnKTBujqzmYQ_4oBqMn7RhGPXyuUcxocYs28PJd5NVhd9CTFOJHDRLlDXc1T5io3yaDWLDETwCoOI3sbpceP9S2Mo0lQ/s1600-h/100_0199_fc.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 176px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwyuIfNBcVjeBGcHUKRoVpcLMlfhGiek7MW13uv3LEX4hRlResnKTBujqzmYQ_4oBqMn7RhGPXyuUcxocYs28PJd5NVhd9CTFOJHDRLlDXc1T5io3yaDWLDETwCoOI3sbpceP9S2Mo0lQ/s200/100_0199_fc.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433529408518802994" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivsM_SWiN2TYZ_Yn4m-qHMBGSb-kZigSvSyJjJHzWY4HBr1FvU9HhuC-wp4X0ZvQ5NewVu9gO1lMP7pXeAKjKsUrBrYEVvdUrrbwn7DJM-QpCZKDamGnqxOF1h_YBCtHtUJJFWK23oRVk/s1600-h/100_0226_fc.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 97px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEivsM_SWiN2TYZ_Yn4m-qHMBGSb-kZigSvSyJjJHzWY4HBr1FvU9HhuC-wp4X0ZvQ5NewVu9gO1lMP7pXeAKjKsUrBrYEVvdUrrbwn7DJM-QpCZKDamGnqxOF1h_YBCtHtUJJFWK23oRVk/s200/100_0226_fc.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433528927991744418" border="0" /></a><br />I haven't blogged in forever, let's see what's new....<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hmmmmm</span>......<br /><br /><br />So, Lila Signs is officially alive. I'll post pics. I think she's doing amazing for the short 2 weeks she's been doing it, and can't wait to see what she'll become in the future.<br /><br /><br />I am doing shows at Bottoms Up in Lakewood, Ohio, under the direction of the mot fabulous queen I know, Erica Martinez. We are even talking of me becoming her daughter! I am totally excited about that! I knew the minute I decided to become a Drag Queen, that I wanted to be apart of her family, and I knew the answer before she even asked. The complication comes in in the area of dancing. I don't. My friend, Christopher, is going to help me in that area. I also have my friend Ryan, who will be helping me by mixing tracks for me to perform. My friends have REALLY pulled together to help me in this. I have a few coworkers and regular guests that have been totally supportive, and yes, even some who are complete two faced bitches and can't say to my face what they do to everyone else behind my back. But I'll find that anywhere.<br /><br />I am looking for a new job, since Target doesn't want to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">accommodate</span> my needs. I really love my job at <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Starbucks</span>. But when something doesn't pay the bills, it's time for a change. And Lila is expensive!<br /><br />I think I'm just going to end this blog. LaterPhilip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-25444063442308521452009-12-31T18:06:00.000-08:002009-12-31T18:12:39.229-08:00Stupid BreedersI was just talking to a friend of mine, and I thought of a topic to blog about. This is something I told my parents when I first came out, and it seemed to help mend things a little.<br /><br />You know, I am completely against coming out of the closet. Hell, I'm against having to be in one in the first place! Let's put this into perspective! If people would start minding their own business, our sexuality wouldn't be an issue. I mean, why does it matter anyway?! If you're not planning on sleeping with me, then my choice of partner shouldn't matter to you! This is why I have a hard time with family that won't speak to me over my sexuality. Did I change your mind? Did you have a sick fantasy of wanting to sleep with me? Is incest your thing? I didn't think so. SO GET OVER IT!!!!!Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-69932691187089202622009-12-31T04:24:00.000-08:002009-12-31T04:30:44.724-08:00Lila SignsSo, in order to attempt to make school happen, I need money. And the one way I have found to make this happen, was to become a Drag Queen. While I haven't TOTALLY made up my mind, I am entertaining the idea. So far I'm pretty sure I'm going to do it. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/lila.signs">Lila Signs</a> is my name and I will explain why. Anyone who has followed my blog for any length of time knows I'm an interpreter for the deaf. So of course, I had to add my own twist on DQ's, and I am a Drag Queen for the Deaf. I have spoken to Erica Martinez, the best Drag Queen I've ever known, and she is going to take me under her wing and help me get started. Yes, this includes a girls day out shopping :D <br /><br />Now, as for the name. There is this movie called "Latter Days" and it's about this closeted gay who was a mormon missionary and was found out when he and his gay lover were walked in on. He was sent home where his family hated and resented him and he couldn't take it so he slit his wrists. He was not successful in suicide, so they stuck him in a facility to brainwash him and change his sexuality. But he escaped and ran back to the man he loved. The restaurant owner where his lover worked was called Lila's. And so I put that together with what sets me apart from other Drag Queens and came up with <a href="http://www.facebook.com/lila.signs">Lila Signs</a>.<br /><br />So there's my biggest news. Add me on Facebook by clicking on my Drag Name throughout this post. Pics will be posted there and even videos.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-8921521838426321892009-12-30T23:44:00.000-08:002009-12-30T23:48:30.875-08:00This is the Title of This BlogSo, I was just sitting here. And many thoughts were popping in my head. Many memories from the past, everyone of them good ones, things that make me smile, but yet, they make me cry. Why is that I can't just be happy over things that were good. My little buddy Ryan, saying his first word, taking his first step. My first piano student Brendan, also my buddy, playing his first song at the church in front of everyoone and not messing up. Baking cookies with my grandmother, memories I have with my brother who is also my best friend, and yet everytime I think of them, I cry. Why can't I just be happy? Why am I saddened about things that make me smile and feel warm? What is wrong with me?Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-4667926304998415712009-12-29T22:39:00.000-08:002009-12-29T23:32:45.116-08:00It's Been A WhileSorry I've not blogged in so long. It's been a while, I know. Life can be a bitch at times. I've been going through a lot of depression, mainly because I've been going through a lot of guys. It seems that it doesn't matter how good of a man I try to be, nobody sees me for it. I know that I'm kind of a pretty boy. And I know that some people aren't attracted to that, but I don't stay cute by neglecting my appearance. And I know that my appearance is not everything, but it is however who I am as a person. Unfortunately, not all of us are born naturally beautiful. Wow, that a weird tangent I didn't intend to go on.<br /><br />Anyway, I'm seeing so much of the gay community, and it never ceases to amaze me, the number of guys who think that, there's no sense in looking for the one true love, cause we can't marry anyway. Or that are so wrapped up in sex, and pleasure, that they are too blind to see the good things that are right in front of them. In the mean time, not only are they hurting themselves, but they're hurting many around them, who really are looking for that one person!<br /><br />My question is, what is love? I mean, for real! Define it! So many people throw that word around like a seal among killer whales,; "I love roast beef", "I love pencils!", "I love hamburger!". But really, let's define love. No, not by dictionary, but in your own words, define love. I don't want to hear any quotes from any sort of literature...I want to hear YOUR definition! Better yet, I want to see it, feel it...experience it. Let's practice showing people what TRUE LOVE really is! Class dismissed, if anyone out there has any class left!Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-68003845710438684782009-12-18T09:26:00.001-08:002009-12-18T09:32:27.102-08:00So.........Okay, so, it has been like, forever and a day since I've blogged. I haven't really been in the mood I guess. But on top of it, we just moved, and I've been working a lot.<br /><br />Anyway, life is pretty much the same. I'm working, dating, maintaining a life. I am seeing a guy right now, his name is Rob. I like him a lot, but it has only been a week, so I'm not going to get my hopes up. He's 36 years old, and he's fun, funny, sweet, and really knows how to make me feel special. That last one is important ;-) <br /><br />Haven't really been in the Christmas spirit. Holidays just really aren't my thing. Everyday is a holiday for me, so why should I act extra special on actual holidays? Especially when those holidays are created by religions to which I don't even personally believe in. Makes absolutely no sense to me. It's a waste of my time. But, such is life. We all have to do things we don't want just to make other people happy. It's the way the tuna falls.<br /><br />I am working on a project with makeup and hair right now. Hopefully it turns out. If it does, I will post pics. It's a modern Geisha, with an artistic twist to it. I'm really excited. I have to give a mannequin a hair cut and style and then do her makeup. We'll see how this turns out.<br /><br />And that's what I'm going to do right now, so I'll talk to y'all later.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-29307009213834771292009-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:002009-11-24T20:12:24.766-08:00OMFG!!!!So, a lot has happened this past few weeks and I've not been able to post about it! Where to start......I'll just dive right in and hope I remember everything.<br /><br />So most people know I drive without a license and last saturday, after moving most of our stuff into our new apt, I was on my way to work, and I got pulled over for speeding, when all I was doing was passing someone. And of course, it had to be a policeman I knew! Also, LUCKY for me, it was a policeman I knew. It was one of my regulars at Starbucks and he let me go, cause he likes my coffee too much to let me go to prison. LOL<br /><br /><br />THEN...the monday after, I was shopping, and this bitch was letting her 3 year old run around the store. I was coming out of an aisle as her daughter was running across the store and I tripped over her. Her mom was nowhere to be seen, and I couldn't leave the girl lyin there while I tried to find mom...and I sure as hell wasn't picking her up. So I just sat down next to her Indian style and waited with her til her bitch of a mother to hear her screaming and crying. It took that bitch 3.5 minutes, OH YES! I timed her! Anywho, the lady called the police on me for child abuse! The police looked at her like she was stupid after everyone had given statements, and they also went and looked at the surveillance tapes. They told the lady she was a money grubbing idiot and was just looking for a case and escorted her out of the store! LOL<br /><br />Then last Sunday, my computer crashed. And I just got it back. So I'm just now being able to catch on a lot of things. FML....lol<br /><br />I think I'm just going to leave that as all for this note. I missed everyone in my internet world.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-86360490942538195022009-11-05T08:30:00.000-08:002009-11-05T08:44:28.113-08:00Gone Astray? or Found My Way?So yesterday the way my work schedule worked and my mom's church schedule worked, I had to drop her off at church and take the car home. When we got there, everyone ran out and was talking to me, which was nice, but there was a few things that kind of got to me. Not <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">necessarily</span> in a bad way, it's just, well, a few of the people brought out some people I didn't even know and I felt like I was the gay rebel witch on display for show and tell. So it got me to thinking last night about who I really am.<br /><br />You know, for those with a Christian background, they would say that I have gone astray. But those who are in my shoes, or might be open minded, or who might understand a little better, they would say I've found my way.<br /><br />I grew up as a christian, I grew up miserable. As I've stated in previous posts, I believe that there is no right or wrong religion. I believe that there is a right religion for each individual, and that not everyone is meant for the same thing. Who are we to say that being Baptist, or Protestant, or any other religion, is the right one?! Are we a higher power to be able to make this choice? You say, but the Bible says. Prove that the Bible is true! All you can do is tell me history. But you know what?! Wiccan has history too! Can you tell me that it is less true just because we don't have a Bible? Not every religion needs a Bible. To me, all the Bible is, is the book created for you to know how you're being judged. And the religions who have used that Bible, have turned it into being the book to which EVERYONE will use to judge you!<br /><br />Throughout the past 4 months, I have made a lot of discoveries about myself. I have found my way when I was lost, I have made a lot of progressions, things that never happened while I was a "Christian". This tells me that the way of life for me is being Wiccan.<br /><br />Some may never fully understand that, but that's okay. That just means that my way of life isn't meant for you. And that's okay, I certainly won't judge you on that. But will we ever get the "other side" of the world to understand this too?Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-57072674468154331932009-10-29T14:07:00.000-07:002009-11-01T22:26:05.040-08:00Reader Discretion is Advised!!!Okay, so today was a day of may events and non-events. Some were good, and some were bad, the others just don't matter enough.<br /><br />This morning, I woke up, and something dawned on me. I'm scared of love. I know it sounds crazy, but I really am afraid of love. It's not so much the getting hurt part, it's the literal loving. Everything about it scares me. This is both an emotional thing, a sexual and physical thing, it's everything about it. Ever since I knew I was gay, I always told myself and convinced myself that I was a top. This stems from a lot of things, the key factor being that the only gay sex I've had was forced upon me and was not enjoyable, and I didn't think I could go through it again. When I think of sex, I associate it with both emotional and mostly physical pain. But when I came out, and actually got involved in gay culture, I realized that I am not a top, but am in fact a bottom. There's nothing "top" about me. I am also OCD, and cannot have or put things in my mouth, therefore oral is an issue for me. This really limits me as a gay man. Then, to top it off, The last time I was raped, the "guy" was massive....if you want measurements, I'll tell you cause he "got off" on making measuring himself as foreplay....needless to say, to this day I still bleed anally, and yes, I've been to the doctor. They said they don't see where I'm bleeding from because it's not a constant thing so they can't fix it, but the bleeding is little, so it's not really anything to worry about..and they're right. It doesn't last very long. Anyway, this scares me about not being able to please my man!<br /><br />As far as emotionally, it is hard to explain, but I fear not only loving, but being loved. What if I cannot live up to my part of a partnership? What if they cannot live up to their end of the partnership? What if I'm taken advantage of? What if I'm cheated on? What if..... Normally I can bypass "what ifs" but for this issue of loving someone, I just can't get past it. I don't want to be like those people that sleep around and end up with diseases and such, and/or no heart just a constantly hard penis that does all the thinking for them. I hate those guys that only want hookups and when they find out that they have to be with you longer than 5 minutes for you to drop your pants they stop talking to you. I don't want to be associated with those shallow guys...but anymore that seems like the gay culture norm. So where are all the guys like myself that actually want something meaningful and lasting?<br /><br />Something else that plays into this is the whole relationship thing. When we think of relationships, we think of walking around in public holding hands, some PDA going on, and such..but for us gay people, it's not just that simple. There's more that gets factored in. There's gay bashing, nasty looks, dirty comments, etc..... I have to keep asking myself if I'm ready to face it.<br /><br />You would think this wouldn't be an issue since I wear heavy makeup all the time, and I wear gay pride jewelry, but it is different when there's two of you and you're making public affection...it's not as accepted as being ONE gay individual. I am really afraid that one day something might happen that will scar one or both of us for life, maybe even kill us.<br /><br />Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. I know that being gay is not like a tragedy, obviously! I think that it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I do however know that it's not all Peaches and Cream all the time either.<br /><br />Then on top of the constant ridicule, there's the normal struggles that every couple has whether gay or VOMITstraightVOMIT...lol. Sorry, you know I have to throw humor in there.<br /><br /><br />ANYWAY!!!! Moving on to a GREAT topic! My mother....O....M....G.....my mother. I was to meet CJ today, a guy I've been talking to for a while. Mom out of the blue surprised me by making a Halloween basket for CJ. It was a glass pumpkin she filled with candy. I know it sounds stupid and small...and you're like, "What's the big deal?!" Well, this is a GOOD big deal!!! As most who read my blog know, I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so therefore, my parents are strict Baptist. When I came out, I not only came out as a gay man, but I also converted to Wicca. This was a lot for my parents to deal with at once, but they never strayed from my side in loving me. Sure, they made and still make, comments here and there, but they still loved me and made sure I felt it and knew it too. So this morning when Mom did the "act of kindness" towards the man that she may eventually be taking on as her "son-in-law", it touched my heart something fierce. I knew at that moment, that even if loving and being loved hurt....I would always have my family behind me to back me up and help me get back on my feet.<br /><br />I want a relationship....so why is this an issue?! Why is my brain being a fucktard?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!<br /><br />Thoughts are welcome and wanted.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-66756657643790217642009-10-25T20:16:00.001-07:002009-10-25T21:08:04.928-07:00He Loves Me......So yesterday, as most know, my family had an <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">outing</span> at Cedar Point. It was planned by my brother, Tommy, and was an open invitation for all family, including extended. For starters, it was only my brother, his girlfriend, Andrea, and my father, and myself. So I was having a good time. They're all awesome! But as the day progressed, more of the extended family <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">sporadically</span> showed up. Some like me, others don't. Such is life.<br /><br />But most of the ones who don't like me, are the ones who were the closest to me to start with. That's the bothersome part. As the day progressed, I just felt awkward, out of place, like I had nowhere to belong. The family that liked me would try to include me in their conversations but the family that didn't like me would cleverly and sneakily back out. I only noticed cause I was already paranoid.<br /><br />Anyway, as time went on, things got better. The family eventually saw that I'm still the same, only better. Because I didn't have the misery of hiding a huge secret, and everyone was talking to me by the end of the night. Though it wasn't the same as it usually was, they were talking. I now see what the new normal will be, and I can accept it. Mainly because they're christians and I try to keep my distance from them, unless they have proven themselves to me, that they are not the normal christian that judges and hates.<br /><br />After Cedar Point, some of us went to Friendlys for breakfast, or dinner, or whatever is eaten at 2am, and we had a good time. Our waitress, Buffy, was a Wednesday night minister, and when we went to pray, she joined us. She was the type who hold hands when they pray, so you know the situation. Where you're sitting there and someone starts to grab someone's hand for prayer, so you hesitantly start reaching for those around you. You know? That really awkward moment? Yeah, well, that was the moment that made my life worth living again.<br /><br />I was sitting in between my brother and my father. My brother before I had a chance to realize what was going on, grabs my hand tightly, and just smiles at me affirmingly. It was that smile that he was doing it not only to be funny, but also because he knew that I really just needed to know that he doesn't feel weird around me just because I'm gay. He gripped my hand tightly and I almost cried but I refrained. Well, until I excused myself for the restroom after the prayer. I really do have the most wonderful brother in all the world!<br /><br />Anyway, that's where the "He Loves Me" comes in. I also found out that my brother planned yesterday hoping to break the "Coming Out Tension". Just goes to show that my brother will always have my back!Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-37702681386759175622009-10-21T19:06:00.000-07:002009-10-21T19:19:40.170-07:00There's No Place Like HomeOkay. So most of my friends know, I LOVE to wear cowboy boots. It has a lot to do with my scoliosis as the raised heel sets my spine, but today, another reason popped into my head. One to which I never paid attention to until then. I work at Starbucks, as most know, and so I deal with a lot of posh people ranging from business people, to just people who dress important to feel it. And it dawned on me a similarity in personality traits.<br /><br />So there I stand, watching as the people click there way through the day, heads held high. But why? Most of them don't like how they live. They're unsatisfied with their houses, their cars, their families. So what gives them this feeling and attitude of importance?! I'll tell you what! Their shoes! Did you ever notice that if a person is wearing shoes to which the heels click when they walk, they feel important?! It gives them this feeling of power, that nobody has anything on them! They just feel so...I don't know, confident!<br /><br />And let's look at another scenario. Wizard of Oz. What does Dorothy do to get home?! Clicks her heels. Why?! Cause everyone knows that heels that click is the answer to almost anything! DUH!!!<br /><br />But anyway, just thought I would blog about my new findings and observations.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-75198724130389431192009-10-19T07:46:00.000-07:002009-10-19T08:08:09.184-07:00ThanksgivingNow, I hate food, so Thanksgiving, I kind of dread. BUT, I do love cooking!!! So this year, with me coming out, and being a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Wiccan</span>, and my family pretty much forgot I existed on purpose, I requested to my parents that they allow me to do Thanksgiving at our house. Since I am 22 years old, and once I am done with Beauty School, I plan to move away I won't be around forever, so we might as well take advantage of the holidays we have together. They agreed, and we invited some family over that we know don't have the money for holidays, and that we knew would be alone, and also that still liked me. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">LOL</span>...anyway, yesterday I started to prepare the menu, and BOY can I not wait this year!<br /><br />So far this is the menu:<br />lemon-herb roasted turkey<br />cranberry-<span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">pomegranate</span> sauce<br />creamy spinach bake<br />green beans with bacon-walnut vinaigrette<br />broccoli-bacon casserole with cheesy mustard sauce<br />bacon twice baked potatoes<br />sweet potatoes with cinnamon honey<br />picnic potato casserole<br />gingerbread pumpkin trifle<br />peach <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">melba</span> molded salad<br />cranberry ribbon cheesecake<br />pumpkin-ginger pie with gingersnap <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">streusal</span><br /><br /><br />Now, like I said, I hate food. I only eat cause I know I have to for survival. But I LOVE to cook! It's the one legacy I can carry on from my late grandmother and forever best friend, Alice Belle Thompson Work. When I am cooking, I feel her presence standing over me just like I was 9 again, when she first started teaching me to cook! I feel her warmth hovering over me, her hand on my shoulder, her voice in my ear telling me what to do. I feel her sweet sensitive spirit just enveloping the place with her joy, cheer, and love. When I'm in the kitchen, it allows me to remember, and relive the everyday lessons she would give me in cooking. My grandmother was the best cook on the face of the earth and I can never live up to her level, but I will <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">deafinitely</span> make her proud by living up to my own level. That's all she would ever ask of me. I have her every recipe. Family members have her recipes on paper, but what they don't have is the secrets she never wrote down, and that is something I'll never eliminate from my existence.<br /><br />Having my grandmother's secrets always gives me a sense of closeness with her, a feeling of importance. Something that I will never allow anyone to take away from me. My grandmother always told me that one day I would be something. Something people could only WISH to be, and I never believed her. But I sit here in front of the computer, typing this, and emotions overwhelm me, as I realize she was right.<br /><br />Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm great. But what I am saying is that a lot of what I do, who I am, and what I will be, people would die to do, be, and become. And there's not a day go by that I take for granted that which I have been trusted with. I don't know what my future holds, but I do know that I will never forsake it, turn my back on it, or regret it.<br /><br />I need to end this blog before I become a tear filled queen. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">lol</span>Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-6848594843040777192009-10-14T00:37:00.000-07:002009-10-14T00:58:11.747-07:00Truth Revealed, Now to Get to WorkSo, I was talking to my good friend <a href="http://xianaaron.com/wordpress/">Xian</a> today, and was telling him about my passion to write a book. This is something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but I never knew what my subject would be. But I knew that if I waited long enough, it would come to me.<br /><br />While talking, I was talking about the blindness of parents and such. The main topic was how parents are so blinded by what THEY want, that they don't see the real truth. For years, I knew I was gay and acted as a gay person, but if you ask my parents, they'll tell you that they had their ideas, but had no clue that I was gay. See how that doesn't make sense?! Yet, in their minds, it is a complete reality. They were in such denial that one of their own children could be gay, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">that</span> they took <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">blatantly</span> obvious clues, and hid them behind their own desires. Now, 11 years later they are faced with the reality and have to accept it.<br /><br /><br />So my book is going to be based on the parents side of coming out and ways that we as gay people, or <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">GLBTQ</span> people, can understand our parents struggles better, and help them overcome their own fears and such. It is going to be a "Coming Out for Dummies" book basically. I come from a baptist background, and I know how I was raised and such. I am a very <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">observant</span> person and I have a very wise and open head on my shoulders. And though I am only 22, and people may think that I'm not qualified to write a book, especially since I've only been out as a gay man for 4 months, I know for a fact that I am more than qualified. So, consider this the announcement of my new book, and I hope that I can count on y'all, my readers, for your input along the way!<br /><br />I am sure that most of my blogs will be in support of my book, basically summing up ideas and such that pop in my head. This book will also be covering the suicide issue from many angles as well. Not just being gay, but I'm also going to attack the suicide rates of parents whose children are gay as well. I'm going to aim to help us, as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">GLBTQ</span> citizens, to understand that, even though our happiness is important, it is also important that we fully understand the impact that it has on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">everyone's</span> life around us. From the viewpoint of people that pass us on the street, work with us, went to church with us, grew up with us, close family, distant family, religious, non-religious, I'm throwing all these in. I am going to interview people personally for the input, not just assume I know what they think.<br /><br />So, for starters, if you would like to participate in my book, whether it be by being interviewed, or knowing someone that you'd like to have interviewed, by all means contact me at terpprm@yahoo.com. We will work something out. There is no deadline, as I'm just starting. I haven't even started planning yet, as I'm letting the book idea simmer for a bit so I can fully grasp the subject in its <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">entirety</span>. Thanks ahead of time!!!Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-84331391670920701552009-10-12T20:33:00.000-07:002009-10-12T21:20:53.761-07:00Insecurities.....So I thought I would talk about insecurities in this blog, mainly my own.<br /><br />First of all, I KNOW that I'm a very insecure person. I have a HUGE fear of being alone, and dying alone. I've been hurt so many times in my life, I feel worthless, and like I'm used property. I often feel depressed about life. Let's face it, we never have as many friends as we want. I second guess myself, my decisions, and everything. I am very high on insecurities and self esteem issues.<br /><br />What got me to thinking about this is I was walking through work, at Target, and I saw a display of a beautiful lady wearing a beautiful outfit. And I found myself getting depressed cause I wasn't attracted to her. And immediately I got upset with myself. I am very happy as a homosexual! I don't regret one minute of it. But what played a big part in that scene, was my christian upbringing. It was drilled into my head that there is something wrong with being homosexual. So here I am, trying to be the "normal" that I was raised to be, when in fact, I am more than happy with who I am!<br /><br />So why is it that we go through life trying to be what other people want us to be rather than answering our own calls, and choosing our own paths? Now, I'm not going to give my opinion right now, I'd like to hear what others have to say. Spread the word about my blog, get others involved, let's have us a little debate. ;-)Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-51132085416673633802009-10-07T00:40:00.000-07:002009-10-09T01:10:35.046-07:00Just a ThoughtI was lying in my bed, and a thought popped in. I had to get out of bed and blog this before I forgot.<br /><br />I was thinking about the movie "Prayers for Bobby". I am sure most of you know of, or have seen the movie. Just in case I will recap. Basically a christian boy comes out of the closet, his family shoves him out of their lives, criticizes and abuses him. In the end, it took the boy committing suicide for the mom to realize what she should have from the beginning.<br /><br />Now, being raised "christian" myself, I know what <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Christians</span> are taught, and I know what they believe. I also know the difference between what they're taught and what they do. I am not going to sit here and try to defend them. But I know from the last pastor I had, he did NOT teach them to hate me, to shun me, or disrespect me, it is the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Christians</span> who CHOOSE to do so. Might I add that most of them from that church don't? Do you know why? Because the pastor has led them by example to love everyone no matter what!<br /><br />Anyway, I was thinking about the ratio of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">GLBTs</span> that are <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Christians</span>. I did some research and found many numbers, but I am only going to use one of them, and I asked for guidance so I feel I chose a right and accurate one. 44% of the GLBT community, were once <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Christians</span>. It was also stated that a GLBT person who was once a christian is 27 times more likely to commit suicide! That's heart breaking! And why do you think this rate is so high?! I'll tell you why! Because some <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Christians</span> think that it's their job to judge and criticize other people. NEWSFLASH!!!! You can't replace God!!!<br /><br />So here's a thought. I attempted suicide as a young teenager, 3 times, and I know that my reason for it was because I was scared to death of not being accepted by everyone I knew, aka <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Christians</span>. And on top of it, I was dealing with sexual abuse and neglect of my family's attention, as I wasn't really liked anyway. So just how many suicides are caused by a christian? Let's stop and think about this. Who is known to be the most judgmental people on the face of the earth? Those that claim to be <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Christians</span>. So why is it that they can't see just what kind of damage they are causing. I'm by no means saying that Christians should be ousted from the planet, I'm just simply saying that they need to really consider what their God would be doing if He were in their shoes! I highly doubt He would be the cause of suicides!<br /><br />Using statistics, on average, there are about 32, 622 suicides a year. Here are some more statistics breaking down that number: <a name="2001"><br />1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.</a><a name="2001"><br />On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.</a><a name="2001"><br />On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.</a><a name="2001"><br />On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.</a><a name="2001"><br />Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.</a><br />Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">olds</span>.<a name="2001">(1st = accidents, 2<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">nd</span> = homicide)</a><a name="2001"><br />Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">olds</span>.</a><a name="2001">Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.</a><a name="2001"><br />Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.</a><a name="2001"><br />Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.</a><br />More males die from suicide than females.<a name="2001">(4 male deaths by suicide for each female death by suicide.)</a><br />More people die from suicide than from homicide.<a name="2001">(Suicide ranks as the 11<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">th</span> leading cause of death; Homicide ranks 13<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">th</span>.)</a><a name="2001"><br />73% of all suicide deaths are white males.</a><a name="2001"><br />80% of all firearm suicide deaths are white males.</a><a name="2001"><br />Among the highest rates (when categorized by gender and race) are suicide deaths for white men over 85. (54 per 100,000)<br /><br /></a><h3><a name="2001">Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity / Young, Old Age Groups</a></h3> <pre><a name="2001"> Rate Per<br /> Number Per Day 100,000 % of Deaths <br />Total .............30,622..........83.9.........10.8..........1.3<br />Males .............24,672..........67.6.........17.6..........2.1<br />Females.............5,950..........16.3..........4.1..........0.5<br />Whites.............27,710..........75.9.........11.9..........1.3<br />Nonwhites...........2,912...........8.0..........5.6..........0.9<br />Blacks..............1,957...........5.4..........5.3..........0.7<br />Elderly (65+ yrs.) .5,393..........14.8.........15.3..........0.3<br />Young (15-24 yrs.)..3,971..........10.9..........9.9.........12.3<br /><br /></a></pre><h3><a name="2001">Further Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity</a></h3> <a name="2001"> Rate Per Group # of Suicides 100,000<br />White Male.......22,328........19.5<br />White Female .....5,382.........4.6<br />Nonwhite Male ....2,344.........9.3<br />Nonwhite Female ....568.........2.1<br />Black Male .......1,627.........9.2<br />Black Female........330.........1.7<br />Hispanic...........1850.........5.0<br /><br />I also read that one in three teen aged suicides was gay or lesbian.<br /><br />That's just a thought for you. So next time you go criticize someone, think about the number that you might be putting on the chart. And even though you may not care, put yourself in the family's shoes who will be losing this loved one, and reconsider how you treat or react to someone, just because of sexual orientation, outward appearance, or any other reason.<br /><br /></a><pre><a name="2001"><br /><br /></a></pre><a name="2001"><br /><br /><br /></a>Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-14744510499794677382009-10-06T21:25:00.000-07:002009-10-06T21:50:35.245-07:00Some People Just Don't Get It....So Get ItWhy is it that people think that the only thing that exists in the world is sex? Anymore, in my search for Mr. Right, all I can find is people who want sex. I mean, I myself am not a very sexual person, and sometimes it would be nice to find someone who just wants to cuddle, someone who just wants to have a conversation. Or maybe even find someone who doesn't care that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but cares about me for my great personality. Is it so much to ask for, to want someone who loves me for my soul. My body is not a toy, well, it is, but it is a sacred toy and I'm not going to give it to just anyone. I mean, seriously.....<br /><br />Anyway, I just may have met someone special. Someone who actually thinks about me throughout the day, and lets me know. It's finally nice to know that I matter to someone. He makes me feel really special. Things he says to me, about me, and just everything. Let's hope nothing happens!!! Cause I deserve to be happy and I believe that this is my time! Jealous? don't be! You're time is coming too!!!<br /><br />Everyone has someone out there. And we are all deserving of things. And how you live your life determines WHAT you're deserving of! So if you want a good man, or woman, or whatever the hell you're into, then live it! Just <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">sayin</span>......Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-1997412094294921122009-09-30T13:12:00.000-07:002009-09-30T16:07:48.791-07:00Watch this!!!I want all who read my blog to watch this. Cause if there's anything I know, is that at times, we feel that it's the end. We are done. Can't continue, who are we kidding, right?! Wrong. Take a little trip with me. Watch this video, and let your heart be touched, just as mine was!<br /><br /><br /><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='678' height='562' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dx90RaebYYoxOD2VQrzRxy1Dnq0uCukdoL9sQWR9Io_BmKGYtcUTmayg92qCC7ygifcUeyJQsTGmrkjaBB1tQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-13500942377351232242009-09-27T04:40:00.001-07:002009-09-27T04:49:50.284-07:00"THE"Here is a little motivational speech that I came up with just for everyone on a website for men who have been sexually abused! And I thought it could be used in <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">EVERYONE's</span></span> life in some way, shape, or form!<br /><br />Have you ever thought of the word, "the"? I mean, such a little word and yet has so much importance behind it. Have you ever tried to go throughout the day, and not use the word "the"? It is impossible!!!! Try it sometime!<br /><br />"The" is the ONLY definite article of the English language!!!! "The" makes things happen here and now!!!!<br /><br />The application:<br /><br />How we live our life is important. we may seem so little, and so <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">un</span></span>-important, but really think about your life! How many things wouldn't happen, if you were not in existence? Could your family, place of work, your friends, your support groups, could they "happen" without you?<br /><br />If not, then perhaps, we are doing something wrong. we should live with such a life, that we leave that impression of good character and uniqueness in our life. I mean, if I miss work, I want them to say, "OH NO!!!! He's the hardest working person I have!!!! What will I do????? I need "THE"!!!!!!!!!"<br /><br />It is also said that the English language is the only language that has a definite article!<br /><br />We should live our lives with absolutes! some <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">definites</span></span>! Meaning, in our lives, there are things that we should KNOW, and that will not change! Things like, I personally have my brother! I know, that no matter what, I will always have him! I know that my parents are an absolute in my life!!!!<br /><br />"The" makes things happen here and now:<br /><br />Do you make things happen "here and now"? Or do we live with the mindset that, "eh, I am a survivor, I have my struggles, they can go on without me"? Or going through life, not caring, or just not doing things because, "we aren't 'normal' anyway? Why not live as "the"?<br /><br />We could take so many lessons from such a little word in the English language!<br /><br />Something we need to think about often, is how are we living our life? They say that life is like a vapor. How are you living your vapor? It happens quick you know! How many of you are old enough, or maybe have seen, the old tea kettles, when your mother's would make tea? And coming out of the spout, was a vapor. And almost as soon as it would appear, it would disappear. our lives are the same way! They happen, but oh so quickly!!!!<br /><br />Here's another way to put it. On tombstones, there are 2 dates. The day you were born, and the day you died. In between those dates, is a dash(-). That dash represents a period of time. For some it is short, and others long, but, none-the-less, it represents a period of time. This period of time, what will your represent? When people visit your graveside, will they look at your dash and say good things about it? Or will they say bad <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">things</span> about it?<br /><br />This is just a few things to think about. and I would really like y'all to think about them. a simple punctuation mark like "-", and a simple article like "the", and a little bit of heat and water, and the relation to our lives.<br /><br />I have a few challenges for everyone:<br /><br />1) Try to look around you and think of your own life applications we can learn from the world around us. It is amazing how things were placed here, and they seem so minute, but they have so much to teach us!<br /><br />2) Reply to this post with things in this life that can't go on without you! this could be a little bit of an encouragement and an eye opener for some, to see just how important you really are!<br /><br /><br />I also encourage any other comments to this post as well.......Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-5856402422431194172009-09-26T23:55:00.000-07:002009-09-28T11:06:27.781-07:00Role call of friendsSo this is one of those blogs where you don't know what to write, so you just write, wondering what you're going to say next.<br /><br />Lately, I've been quite depressed, for a lot of reason's really. I mean, let's put it into perspective. I was born and raised a Christian. In their eyes, I had a lot going for me. I was playing 5 instruments for the church, practically made up the orchestra by myself, if I could have only figured out how to play all of them at once, I was interpreting for the deaf, I was doing so much with an addictions ministry, I had my own side ministry to men who have been and were being sexual, mentally, and/or physically abused, in the Christian's eyes, I had it all. But I lacked one thing, happiness.<br /><br />What made things difficult was when I was 11 I knew 100% that I was gay. I also knew, that telling people would bring on <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">consequences</span>. You can't be a Christian and gay at the same time, right?!<br /><br />So finally, 3 months ago I made the rough decision of coming out. It started out as a slow process, but ended up taking a week for the world to find out. It's amazing how the people who you think are your closest friends, would rat you out in a heart beat, knowing damn well that it would hurt you. Needless to say, as I'm sure you've figured out, someone else told the pastor before I could, and I found myself being called in his office and removed from my positions, but still being allowed to go to the church. There were of course stipulations, I couldn't wear makeup, which was funny, because I had been for almost a year and it wasn't a problem up til now. I also couldn't bring my boyfriends in and if I did, we couldn't hang on each other.<br /><br />Problem is, I had already made up my mind that when I came out, I wouldn't linger around, where I'm not going to be liked. And, as you can imagine, and like anybody <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">else's</span> coming out story, I was disowned by many.<br /><br />But I must say, for the most part, the church did well. Nobody really disowned me, though most don't speak to me, we have to give it time, as everyone now has to get used to the new me. Even I am getting used to the new me. But what hurt the most is the family, the ones who were suppose to be the biggest supporters, they were the ones who make the harsh comments, and disowned me, and stab me in the back.<br /><br />As you can imagine, since I invested my entire life being around Christians, when I came out, I no longer had anyone to hang out with. So the past few months has been rough. I sit here day by day on this computer, and it has become my best friend. I do everything on it. We have dinner together, we play games, watch movies, drink coffee, I even talk to it, and sometimes it talks back. Okay, IT, doesn't, but the person on the other end of the Instant Messenger does. ;-)<br /><br />I've tried many avenues of trying to find friends. I go to bars occasionally, even though I don't really drink, I am on websites galore, I've tried a lot of things, sometimes it just seems like there's no hope.<br /><br />To top things off, I not only left the church as a gay man, I also left and became a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Witch</span>, a Pagan...and have also allowed myself to pick up my <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">emo</span> style. So I am a big let down to a lot of people.<br /><br />But as I sit here and write this blog, I have to remind myself, that being Christian didn't give me all of my talents and abilities. I can still play all 5 instruments, I still interpret for the deaf, and I still have my outreach to men who've been sexually abused, and most of those guys all have addictions. So I guess it's true that you CAN have the best of both worlds. Better yet, I'll one up it, how about there isn't really any ONE world!<br /><br />See, so many people live their life thinking there's only one way to do things. But nobody stops to think about what if you're wrong. Christians always come at me with the Bible. "Well you know that the Bible says it's wrong"....well, what if the Bible is just another fiction book?! Did you ever stop to think about that?! What if everything you live for, is a lie?! Why are we so closed minded anymore that we can't even see the possibility of us being wrong?<br /><br />This is what I believe. I believe that in this world, there are many beliefs. But I don't believe any of them are wrong, they just aren't right for every person. So who are we to judge someone for being gay, or straight, or <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Wicca</span>, or agnostic, or <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">atheist</span>, or anything else in the world? I'm so tired of people in the world being so critical of other people. GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!<br /><br />Anyway, the point of this blog, is to thank the friends, even though you may be distant, or we may not do a lot together. And I apologize if I miss someone, it's not cause you're not important, it's cause it's 7 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep.<br /><br />Probably my best friend right now, and person I am most close to, is Jon Webb. Jon has been there through my thick and thins. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my sexuality. He is the person I tell my deepest and darkest thoughts with.<br /><br />Next is his brother Christian(or Xian as he prefers to go by) Webb. <a href="http://xianaaron.com/wordpress/">Xian</a> has been the biggest inspiration to me, and though we only talk via Twitter and Yahoo <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">IM</span>, if we ever get Jon to get his ass busy, I'll get to meet him in person ;-). I've always admired Xian for being open about who he is, and never miss reading any of his blogs! Xian has a lot to offer the world. Xian is extremely cute, though I've never told him that, and he's going to read this and that's how he'll learn that I think he's cute. But that's okay, I'm allowed to think people are cute. :D<br /><br />My 3rd, and one of my crushes..is Kevin <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">Raskin</span>. Kevin is a fellow interpreter for the deaf. I met him via <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">facebook</span> through a group for interpreters. I fell in love with him (not literally) almost immediately. He is a great looking guy, and the most kind and funny person. I think if he didn't live so far away, we may be <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">inseparable</span>. I do, and always did have a man crush on him, and it wasn't so secret. I've always openly flirted with him, even prior to coming out. Somehow Kevin manages to push through my consisting flirting and is also one of my best friends, to whom I tell everything. Something happens, I'm literally on the phone, either <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">texting</span>, Blackberry Messaging, or calling him.<br /><br />Next, I would have to say I would put, Cris. Cris lives in Texas and we met online. He's a really cute 19 year old young man, and I love him to pieces. I hate that there's distance between us. Not only are we great friends, but I think we would make great lovers too! He makes me feel very special and every time I get a message from him, my face lights up and I can't help but smile!<br /><br />And on to another, my friend <a href="http://thesimulationgeneration.blogspot.com/">Allen <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Hanberg</span></a>. Poor Allen. I put him through the ringer! He's the most gorgeous 38 year old man I'd ever seen in my life, and if he'd put down the age barrier, I'd date him despite the distance. He lives in Utah. And I REALLY flirt with him heavily. But all in all, flirting aside, I value his friendship and wouldn't do anything to endanger it.<br /><br />Then there's of course Amy Edwards. Amy and I met, because I work with her daughter, and she is a Starbucks addict, so she is in A LOT! I lover her to death! I could literally talk to her for hours!!! She's a mom and a best friend all in one. But I tend to think of her as a sister more than a mother. I also would like to mention that she is one of the most beautiful ladies, inside and out, that I've ever met.<br /><br />Another great friend of mine is <a href="http://www.kericblog.co.cc/">Julian Miller</a>. We met on a 3d chat, and hit it off almost immediately. Yes, again, he's gorgeous! In fact, I would even stretch it to say he's an Italian god!!!!<br /><br />Then the newest addition to this list, I just met this past week, and just talked to him a few hours ago, but I see us being great friends. His name is Christopher <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Nickell</span>. He's a 21 year old I met on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">paganspace</span>.net. He actually friend requested me, and after seeing his gorgeous face, how could I say no?! ;-) Anyway, I'll move on before it gets awkward.<br /><br />The most important person in my life, and I would kill anyone over him, including the people in the above list, is my brother. Roy Thomas <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">McDavid</span> Jr. Throughout my entire life, I knew that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He did so much for me growing up, was a great role model, and has been my best friend and my everything. I only hope that one day I can repay what he has given me. Many will never understand.<br /><br />I'm going to end this blog now, and would like to point out that if the person I mentioned had a blog or web page, their name is a link to it. Go and support them. ;-)Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-7647013064238056312009-09-26T00:54:00.000-07:002009-09-26T00:55:10.661-07:00DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!So, I was on the phone with a young man about my age tonight, and while I won't announce his issues, I will make up fake <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">scenarios</span>.<br /><br />As most know by now, by my previous notes, I "counsel" men who have been sexually, physically, and/or mentally abused, with no professional attachment. In doing so, I often have many that call me wanting to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">commit</span> suicide, and even if they're not wanting to <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">commit</span> suicide, they still don't want to live. And I so often just want to scream, "DON'T DO IT!!!" But I have to take a more calm approach, as screaming will only make them more upset and nervous.<br /><br />So often times, people don't feel that they have a lot to live for, and that they are better off dead. One of the exercises I have them do is to make a list of all the positives in their life, even if it seems stupid. Using myself as an example, my list might look like this, and I'm only going to name 5 things.<br /><br />1) music<br />2) strawberry milk<br />3) key lime pie<br />4) <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">AJ</span>, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">PJ</span>, and <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">TJ</span>, my 3 fish<br />5) air<br /><br />I basically have them pick the most obvious things that we oft' times over look. Things that are always there, but we seem to miss cause they're so "everyday". I have them put in positive characteristic traits, memories of their childhood, people, things, pets, food, etc....into this list. I never ask to see it! That is their business. After giving them their homework assignment, I just talk things out with them. What is going in their head? Why do they feel that way? Help them understand where that thought and/or feeling is rooted and then we start working on digging up the root.<br /><br />I also help them to realize how it would negatively effect those around them, family members, friends, co-workers, etc....and help them to realize what they would be missing in the future.<br /><br />In the 9 months I have been doing this, I have had 69 suicide scares and NONE follow through! It's all by the grace of God that He gives me strength to get through it!<br /><br />Many times, through the sessions, I get very attached to these men. A few have I met in person, others, it's still over the phone, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">IM</span>, or through the websites to which I meet them, but all of them become good friends! One thing I know I learned through counseling with my own pastor, is that I feel more comfortable talking about these issues knowing he's a friend, rather than talking to someone who is only talking to me cause he has a paper that gives him license. So, through many of my sessions there is personal attachment and so I have to be able to detach myself while talking to them.<br /><br />So many times, in these modern days, there are MORE than MANY <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">that feel</span> suicide is the best answer! But my goal is to get people to realize that it's not! Sure, life is rough, but there is greater meaning and purpose!<br /><br />Now, through my 9 months, I have come across a few cases <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">that</span> were <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">just</span> way out of my league. I am not dumb enough to take those ones. After all, I'm not licensed, schooled, and or skilled enough to take on some people's mental state of minds. Let's face it, there's some crazy people out there!<br /><br />Oh, and I also feel compelled to add, that I am in no way a substitute for if they are working with a professional <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">therapist</span> and with a few cases, have even worked hand in hand with a therapist, at the request of the patient. The therapists agreed with my "talking with a friend easier than a therapist" analogy. And the patients know that I will be telling their therapist what they say, but it is easier for some to have a mediator when talking about some issues.<br /><br />Another technique I use MANY times, is silence. I have found that in silence, a person feel insecure, vulnerable, uncomfortable and like they need to talk to cut the silence. So many times they reveal things about themselves, by rambling. Because they have to find things to talk about. And it usually just so happens to be things that are troubling them, things that are on their chest, or even just random subconscious thoughts that pop in their head. All of these, though sometimes may not make sense when they come out of their mouth, reveal many things about them to me, whether it be characteristically or just in general information.<br /><br />Something I would like to add is a bit of my own testimony. When I was sexually abused, I had no one to talk to. I am a christian young man, how can I tell my parents that I have been involved sexually with 3 men?! I mean, whether I wanted to or not, it is still wrong right?! And it doesn't take away from the fact that it makes me gay?! Cause I was always told, in these words, that any guy who does <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">things</span> sexually with another guy, is gay! there was no stipulations, nothing. I had a lot to deal with when I was between the age of 10 and up, 10 being the start of my abuse. I had a lot of emotional and physical pain I was dealing with. There was some mild physical abuse involved. I was hurt, confused, crazed, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">inhibilitated</span>, I didn't know how to cope with and deal with what had been done TO me. I had anger issues, I was rebellious, all of this being signs that something was seriously wrong with me. Unknowingly, many times, a kid/teen will act in ways that gets himself attention, to cry out for help. It is purely subconscious and unintentional, and it is their way of saying, something is wrong, and I don't know how to talk about it! Anyway, in dealing with my issues, I turned to cutting, and 2 times I even attempted suicide myself. I learned real quick that God has a preset time for us to go and we aren't going to die unless it's His timing, so you might as well go about it another way! So I am able to approach these issues from experience.<br /><br />Anyway, that's my mild rant for today.<br />Adios.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8122172516363109761.post-60781293652916109402009-09-26T00:48:00.000-07:002009-09-26T00:52:43.366-07:00STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!okay, so, i watched a <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">tv</span> program called "Witch Hunt" this evening. it was about people that had been falsely accused of sexual abusing their children as well as other children in the area and also a few of child porn. all of them were false accusations. now, obviously, nothing i am about to say is a biased opinion, as i was a victim of child sexual abuse(<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">csa</span>), but i saw a lot on there that made me angry.<br /><br />for instance, the children who were "victims" were coached on what to say. they said, that the investigators and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">counsellors</span> would sit there and say, did such and such happen to you? and when the child would say no, they would say, well, so and so saw it happen. i saw a lot wrong with this! besides the fact that the investigator just lied to the child in question, but they just confused and scarred this child for life! they looked at this kid and said, now, we don't want you to lie, but what we need you to do is lie. more than likely, the kids parents had instilled in him or her, not to lie, so they are sitting there thinking, "okay, i am not supposed to lie, but someone saw it happen, so it must have, right? so i will say it happened, cause it must have." they don't know whether they are telling the truth or lying. they've <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">immediately</span> been confused. they don't know whether they are coming and going.<br /><br />then on top of that, these children grow up with that guilty conscience that, "why didn't they just tell the truth?!" "why didn't they do the right thing?!"<br /><br />then there's the aspect, that the people who were accused, <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">many</span> of them lost YEARS of their lives. they lost houses, friendships, memories of their children's lives, milestones in their <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">children's</span> lives, they've lost pictures, home videos, friendships, their reputation, their dignity. they have gone through literal hell! and WHY?! because the government decided to stick their nose in business that wasn't theirs and now the people have to suffer for it. a relationship between a child and a parent is destroyed, and though they may reunite, that doesn't just go away!<br /><br />i speak from many sides of my life, as i have seen so many people in my immediate family be falsely accused of things. some legal, some social, but none the less, they have gone through them. watching this program really just opened my eyes even more to the feelings that they have! i really couldn't imagine even now, being one that was accused of abusing my children, whether it be physical or sexual, but i do know that the on person i have in mind, the way i remember the person, would NEVER have touched their children in the way the other parent claims! and <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">every time</span> i see this family member, i just want to grab and hug them! they are scarred for life. WHY?! because someone isn't in their right mind. and because the government could give a flip about the accused, they think they're doing justice, but their not! now, i fear everyday, for my "little" family member's lives, because they're stuck with an idiot parent. if anyone did the abusing of their children, i think it was the parent that has them now! and i mean that whole <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">heartedly</span>! i tried to say that without a lot of detail being displayed, hope i was successful.<br /><br />the point of this note, is to make people aware of things that goes on in everyday life. sure, you may not falsely accuse someone of abuse, or anything, but whether it is something that serious, or something minor, such as taking a drink of your soda, it is still a serious matter. we need to watch the words that come out of our mouth. why does everyone have to be "witches", as the program called these abusers. the basic idea of the title witch hunt, was back in the day, during the Salem Witch Trials. how suddenly EVERYONE was a witch. many people died innocently by being hung from a tree, why? because people thought they could accuse people of things just because "they thought"...NO......you can't! NO THINKING! thinking gets us in trouble!!!!!!<br /><br /><br />how many times, do you do something and while you're getting lectured, or spanked, or whatever the punishment, and what are the usual words that come out of your mouth, "well, I THOUGHT...."<br /><br /><br />STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!<br /><br />bottom line. quit thinking about other people, and worry about yourselves. what are you doing in your life that would cause someone to look at you and say, hey, i bet they're doing.....? huh?! what are your faults?! let's start taking the beam out of our own eye before we remove the mote out of someone <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">else's</span>. i mean, seriously, why do we live our lives thinking that it's our job to critique everyone? what gives us the license to be the police of everyone?! except you Brent, you have that license! <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">LOL</span> you know what i mean by this <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">cuz</span>, i don't mean literal. ;-)<br /><br />anyways, i think my rant is done, but i may be back.Philip R. McDavidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15064493871360320366noreply@blogger.com0