Watch this!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:12 PM | Posted in

I want all who read my blog to watch this. Cause if there's anything I know, is that at times, we feel that it's the end. We are done. Can't continue, who are we kidding, right?! Wrong. Take a little trip with me. Watch this video, and let your heart be touched, just as mine was!


"THE"

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 4:40 AM | Posted in

Here is a little motivational speech that I came up with just for everyone on a website for men who have been sexually abused! And I thought it could be used in EVERYONE's life in some way, shape, or form!

Have you ever thought of the word, "the"? I mean, such a little word and yet has so much importance behind it. Have you ever tried to go throughout the day, and not use the word "the"? It is impossible!!!! Try it sometime!

"The" is the ONLY definite article of the English language!!!! "The" makes things happen here and now!!!!

The application:

How we live our life is important. we may seem so little, and so un-important, but really think about your life! How many things wouldn't happen, if you were not in existence? Could your family, place of work, your friends, your support groups, could they "happen" without you?

If not, then perhaps, we are doing something wrong. we should live with such a life, that we leave that impression of good character and uniqueness in our life. I mean, if I miss work, I want them to say, "OH NO!!!! He's the hardest working person I have!!!! What will I do????? I need "THE"!!!!!!!!!"

It is also said that the English language is the only language that has a definite article!

We should live our lives with absolutes! some definites! Meaning, in our lives, there are things that we should KNOW, and that will not change! Things like, I personally have my brother! I know, that no matter what, I will always have him! I know that my parents are an absolute in my life!!!!

"The" makes things happen here and now:

Do you make things happen "here and now"? Or do we live with the mindset that, "eh, I am a survivor, I have my struggles, they can go on without me"? Or going through life, not caring, or just not doing things because, "we aren't 'normal' anyway? Why not live as "the"?

We could take so many lessons from such a little word in the English language!

Something we need to think about often, is how are we living our life? They say that life is like a vapor. How are you living your vapor? It happens quick you know! How many of you are old enough, or maybe have seen, the old tea kettles, when your mother's would make tea? And coming out of the spout, was a vapor. And almost as soon as it would appear, it would disappear. our lives are the same way! They happen, but oh so quickly!!!!

Here's another way to put it. On tombstones, there are 2 dates. The day you were born, and the day you died. In between those dates, is a dash(-). That dash represents a period of time. For some it is short, and others long, but, none-the-less, it represents a period of time. This period of time, what will your represent? When people visit your graveside, will they look at your dash and say good things about it? Or will they say bad things about it?

This is just a few things to think about. and I would really like y'all to think about them. a simple punctuation mark like "-", and a simple article like "the", and a little bit of heat and water, and the relation to our lives.

I have a few challenges for everyone:

1) Try to look around you and think of your own life applications we can learn from the world around us. It is amazing how things were placed here, and they seem so minute, but they have so much to teach us!

2) Reply to this post with things in this life that can't go on without you! this could be a little bit of an encouragement and an eye opener for some, to see just how important you really are!


I also encourage any other comments to this post as well.......

Role call of friends

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 11:55 PM | Posted in

So this is one of those blogs where you don't know what to write, so you just write, wondering what you're going to say next.

Lately, I've been quite depressed, for a lot of reason's really. I mean, let's put it into perspective. I was born and raised a Christian. In their eyes, I had a lot going for me. I was playing 5 instruments for the church, practically made up the orchestra by myself, if I could have only figured out how to play all of them at once, I was interpreting for the deaf, I was doing so much with an addictions ministry, I had my own side ministry to men who have been and were being sexual, mentally, and/or physically abused, in the Christian's eyes, I had it all. But I lacked one thing, happiness.

What made things difficult was when I was 11 I knew 100% that I was gay. I also knew, that telling people would bring on consequences. You can't be a Christian and gay at the same time, right?!

So finally, 3 months ago I made the rough decision of coming out. It started out as a slow process, but ended up taking a week for the world to find out. It's amazing how the people who you think are your closest friends, would rat you out in a heart beat, knowing damn well that it would hurt you. Needless to say, as I'm sure you've figured out, someone else told the pastor before I could, and I found myself being called in his office and removed from my positions, but still being allowed to go to the church. There were of course stipulations, I couldn't wear makeup, which was funny, because I had been for almost a year and it wasn't a problem up til now. I also couldn't bring my boyfriends in and if I did, we couldn't hang on each other.

Problem is, I had already made up my mind that when I came out, I wouldn't linger around, where I'm not going to be liked. And, as you can imagine, and like anybody else's coming out story, I was disowned by many.

But I must say, for the most part, the church did well. Nobody really disowned me, though most don't speak to me, we have to give it time, as everyone now has to get used to the new me. Even I am getting used to the new me. But what hurt the most is the family, the ones who were suppose to be the biggest supporters, they were the ones who make the harsh comments, and disowned me, and stab me in the back.

As you can imagine, since I invested my entire life being around Christians, when I came out, I no longer had anyone to hang out with. So the past few months has been rough. I sit here day by day on this computer, and it has become my best friend. I do everything on it. We have dinner together, we play games, watch movies, drink coffee, I even talk to it, and sometimes it talks back. Okay, IT, doesn't, but the person on the other end of the Instant Messenger does. ;-)

I've tried many avenues of trying to find friends. I go to bars occasionally, even though I don't really drink, I am on websites galore, I've tried a lot of things, sometimes it just seems like there's no hope.

To top things off, I not only left the church as a gay man, I also left and became a Witch, a Pagan...and have also allowed myself to pick up my emo style. So I am a big let down to a lot of people.

But as I sit here and write this blog, I have to remind myself, that being Christian didn't give me all of my talents and abilities. I can still play all 5 instruments, I still interpret for the deaf, and I still have my outreach to men who've been sexually abused, and most of those guys all have addictions. So I guess it's true that you CAN have the best of both worlds. Better yet, I'll one up it, how about there isn't really any ONE world!

See, so many people live their life thinking there's only one way to do things. But nobody stops to think about what if you're wrong. Christians always come at me with the Bible. "Well you know that the Bible says it's wrong"....well, what if the Bible is just another fiction book?! Did you ever stop to think about that?! What if everything you live for, is a lie?! Why are we so closed minded anymore that we can't even see the possibility of us being wrong?

This is what I believe. I believe that in this world, there are many beliefs. But I don't believe any of them are wrong, they just aren't right for every person. So who are we to judge someone for being gay, or straight, or Wicca, or agnostic, or atheist, or anything else in the world? I'm so tired of people in the world being so critical of other people. GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!

Anyway, the point of this blog, is to thank the friends, even though you may be distant, or we may not do a lot together. And I apologize if I miss someone, it's not cause you're not important, it's cause it's 7 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep.

Probably my best friend right now, and person I am most close to, is Jon Webb. Jon has been there through my thick and thins. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my sexuality. He is the person I tell my deepest and darkest thoughts with.

Next is his brother Christian(or Xian as he prefers to go by) Webb. Xian has been the biggest inspiration to me, and though we only talk via Twitter and Yahoo IM, if we ever get Jon to get his ass busy, I'll get to meet him in person ;-). I've always admired Xian for being open about who he is, and never miss reading any of his blogs! Xian has a lot to offer the world. Xian is extremely cute, though I've never told him that, and he's going to read this and that's how he'll learn that I think he's cute. But that's okay, I'm allowed to think people are cute. :D

My 3rd, and one of my crushes..is Kevin Raskin. Kevin is a fellow interpreter for the deaf. I met him via facebook through a group for interpreters. I fell in love with him (not literally) almost immediately. He is a great looking guy, and the most kind and funny person. I think if he didn't live so far away, we may be inseparable. I do, and always did have a man crush on him, and it wasn't so secret. I've always openly flirted with him, even prior to coming out. Somehow Kevin manages to push through my consisting flirting and is also one of my best friends, to whom I tell everything. Something happens, I'm literally on the phone, either texting, Blackberry Messaging, or calling him.

Next, I would have to say I would put, Cris. Cris lives in Texas and we met online. He's a really cute 19 year old young man, and I love him to pieces. I hate that there's distance between us. Not only are we great friends, but I think we would make great lovers too! He makes me feel very special and every time I get a message from him, my face lights up and I can't help but smile!

And on to another, my friend Allen Hanberg. Poor Allen. I put him through the ringer! He's the most gorgeous 38 year old man I'd ever seen in my life, and if he'd put down the age barrier, I'd date him despite the distance. He lives in Utah. And I REALLY flirt with him heavily. But all in all, flirting aside, I value his friendship and wouldn't do anything to endanger it.

Then there's of course Amy Edwards. Amy and I met, because I work with her daughter, and she is a Starbucks addict, so she is in A LOT! I lover her to death! I could literally talk to her for hours!!! She's a mom and a best friend all in one. But I tend to think of her as a sister more than a mother. I also would like to mention that she is one of the most beautiful ladies, inside and out, that I've ever met.

Another great friend of mine is Julian Miller. We met on a 3d chat, and hit it off almost immediately. Yes, again, he's gorgeous! In fact, I would even stretch it to say he's an Italian god!!!!

Then the newest addition to this list, I just met this past week, and just talked to him a few hours ago, but I see us being great friends. His name is Christopher Nickell. He's a 21 year old I met on paganspace.net. He actually friend requested me, and after seeing his gorgeous face, how could I say no?! ;-) Anyway, I'll move on before it gets awkward.

The most important person in my life, and I would kill anyone over him, including the people in the above list, is my brother. Roy Thomas McDavid Jr. Throughout my entire life, I knew that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He did so much for me growing up, was a great role model, and has been my best friend and my everything. I only hope that one day I can repay what he has given me. Many will never understand.

I'm going to end this blog now, and would like to point out that if the person I mentioned had a blog or web page, their name is a link to it. Go and support them. ;-)

DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:54 AM | Posted in

So, I was on the phone with a young man about my age tonight, and while I won't announce his issues, I will make up fake scenarios.

As most know by now, by my previous notes, I "counsel" men who have been sexually, physically, and/or mentally abused, with no professional attachment. In doing so, I often have many that call me wanting to commit suicide, and even if they're not wanting to commit suicide, they still don't want to live. And I so often just want to scream, "DON'T DO IT!!!" But I have to take a more calm approach, as screaming will only make them more upset and nervous.

So often times, people don't feel that they have a lot to live for, and that they are better off dead. One of the exercises I have them do is to make a list of all the positives in their life, even if it seems stupid. Using myself as an example, my list might look like this, and I'm only going to name 5 things.

1) music
2) strawberry milk
3) key lime pie
4) AJ, PJ, and TJ, my 3 fish
5) air

I basically have them pick the most obvious things that we oft' times over look. Things that are always there, but we seem to miss cause they're so "everyday". I have them put in positive characteristic traits, memories of their childhood, people, things, pets, food, etc....into this list. I never ask to see it! That is their business. After giving them their homework assignment, I just talk things out with them. What is going in their head? Why do they feel that way? Help them understand where that thought and/or feeling is rooted and then we start working on digging up the root.

I also help them to realize how it would negatively effect those around them, family members, friends, co-workers, etc....and help them to realize what they would be missing in the future.

In the 9 months I have been doing this, I have had 69 suicide scares and NONE follow through! It's all by the grace of God that He gives me strength to get through it!

Many times, through the sessions, I get very attached to these men. A few have I met in person, others, it's still over the phone, IM, or through the websites to which I meet them, but all of them become good friends! One thing I know I learned through counseling with my own pastor, is that I feel more comfortable talking about these issues knowing he's a friend, rather than talking to someone who is only talking to me cause he has a paper that gives him license. So, through many of my sessions there is personal attachment and so I have to be able to detach myself while talking to them.

So many times, in these modern days, there are MORE than MANY that feel suicide is the best answer! But my goal is to get people to realize that it's not! Sure, life is rough, but there is greater meaning and purpose!

Now, through my 9 months, I have come across a few cases that were just way out of my league. I am not dumb enough to take those ones. After all, I'm not licensed, schooled, and or skilled enough to take on some people's mental state of minds. Let's face it, there's some crazy people out there!

Oh, and I also feel compelled to add, that I am in no way a substitute for if they are working with a professional therapist and with a few cases, have even worked hand in hand with a therapist, at the request of the patient. The therapists agreed with my "talking with a friend easier than a therapist" analogy. And the patients know that I will be telling their therapist what they say, but it is easier for some to have a mediator when talking about some issues.

Another technique I use MANY times, is silence. I have found that in silence, a person feel insecure, vulnerable, uncomfortable and like they need to talk to cut the silence. So many times they reveal things about themselves, by rambling. Because they have to find things to talk about. And it usually just so happens to be things that are troubling them, things that are on their chest, or even just random subconscious thoughts that pop in their head. All of these, though sometimes may not make sense when they come out of their mouth, reveal many things about them to me, whether it be characteristically or just in general information.

Something I would like to add is a bit of my own testimony. When I was sexually abused, I had no one to talk to. I am a christian young man, how can I tell my parents that I have been involved sexually with 3 men?! I mean, whether I wanted to or not, it is still wrong right?! And it doesn't take away from the fact that it makes me gay?! Cause I was always told, in these words, that any guy who does things sexually with another guy, is gay! there was no stipulations, nothing. I had a lot to deal with when I was between the age of 10 and up, 10 being the start of my abuse. I had a lot of emotional and physical pain I was dealing with. There was some mild physical abuse involved. I was hurt, confused, crazed, inhibilitated, I didn't know how to cope with and deal with what had been done TO me. I had anger issues, I was rebellious, all of this being signs that something was seriously wrong with me. Unknowingly, many times, a kid/teen will act in ways that gets himself attention, to cry out for help. It is purely subconscious and unintentional, and it is their way of saying, something is wrong, and I don't know how to talk about it! Anyway, in dealing with my issues, I turned to cutting, and 2 times I even attempted suicide myself. I learned real quick that God has a preset time for us to go and we aren't going to die unless it's His timing, so you might as well go about it another way! So I am able to approach these issues from experience.

Anyway, that's my mild rant for today.
Adios.

STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:48 AM | Posted in

okay, so, i watched a tv program called "Witch Hunt" this evening. it was about people that had been falsely accused of sexual abusing their children as well as other children in the area and also a few of child porn. all of them were false accusations. now, obviously, nothing i am about to say is a biased opinion, as i was a victim of child sexual abuse(csa), but i saw a lot on there that made me angry.

for instance, the children who were "victims" were coached on what to say. they said, that the investigators and counsellors would sit there and say, did such and such happen to you? and when the child would say no, they would say, well, so and so saw it happen. i saw a lot wrong with this! besides the fact that the investigator just lied to the child in question, but they just confused and scarred this child for life! they looked at this kid and said, now, we don't want you to lie, but what we need you to do is lie. more than likely, the kids parents had instilled in him or her, not to lie, so they are sitting there thinking, "okay, i am not supposed to lie, but someone saw it happen, so it must have, right? so i will say it happened, cause it must have." they don't know whether they are telling the truth or lying. they've immediately been confused. they don't know whether they are coming and going.

then on top of that, these children grow up with that guilty conscience that, "why didn't they just tell the truth?!" "why didn't they do the right thing?!"

then there's the aspect, that the people who were accused, many of them lost YEARS of their lives. they lost houses, friendships, memories of their children's lives, milestones in their children's lives, they've lost pictures, home videos, friendships, their reputation, their dignity. they have gone through literal hell! and WHY?! because the government decided to stick their nose in business that wasn't theirs and now the people have to suffer for it. a relationship between a child and a parent is destroyed, and though they may reunite, that doesn't just go away!

i speak from many sides of my life, as i have seen so many people in my immediate family be falsely accused of things. some legal, some social, but none the less, they have gone through them. watching this program really just opened my eyes even more to the feelings that they have! i really couldn't imagine even now, being one that was accused of abusing my children, whether it be physical or sexual, but i do know that the on person i have in mind, the way i remember the person, would NEVER have touched their children in the way the other parent claims! and every time i see this family member, i just want to grab and hug them! they are scarred for life. WHY?! because someone isn't in their right mind. and because the government could give a flip about the accused, they think they're doing justice, but their not! now, i fear everyday, for my "little" family member's lives, because they're stuck with an idiot parent. if anyone did the abusing of their children, i think it was the parent that has them now! and i mean that whole heartedly! i tried to say that without a lot of detail being displayed, hope i was successful.

the point of this note, is to make people aware of things that goes on in everyday life. sure, you may not falsely accuse someone of abuse, or anything, but whether it is something that serious, or something minor, such as taking a drink of your soda, it is still a serious matter. we need to watch the words that come out of our mouth. why does everyone have to be "witches", as the program called these abusers. the basic idea of the title witch hunt, was back in the day, during the Salem Witch Trials. how suddenly EVERYONE was a witch. many people died innocently by being hung from a tree, why? because people thought they could accuse people of things just because "they thought"...NO......you can't! NO THINKING! thinking gets us in trouble!!!!!!


how many times, do you do something and while you're getting lectured, or spanked, or whatever the punishment, and what are the usual words that come out of your mouth, "well, I THOUGHT...."


STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!

bottom line. quit thinking about other people, and worry about yourselves. what are you doing in your life that would cause someone to look at you and say, hey, i bet they're doing.....? huh?! what are your faults?! let's start taking the beam out of our own eye before we remove the mote out of someone else's. i mean, seriously, why do we live our lives thinking that it's our job to critique everyone? what gives us the license to be the police of everyone?! except you Brent, you have that license! LOL you know what i mean by this cuz, i don't mean literal. ;-)

anyways, i think my rant is done, but i may be back.

Just some things I needed to get off me chest

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:41 AM | Posted in

as many people who REALLY know me, you know that i was sexually abused at the ages of 10 and 14. i never told anyone until last year-ish. so getting through a lot of the issues that followed, had to come from within myself. and if i do say so, i didn't do that bad of a job for being just a teenager. along with the abuse, i attempted suicide twice, running away from home on multiple occasions, and had HUGE anger issues. i had no respect for authority, and i really never thought i would make anything of myself, nor did anyone that knew me. the only difference was, nobody knew about my past abuse, except myself and God. i succumed many issues, and others, i didn't. now that i am an adult, and have gotten this far in my life, i consider it a "personal ministry" to help other boys and men, who have been sexually abused. but, i still have many issues. but it could be a LOT worse, as i have learned through the many "advice sessions" i have had with many guys from all different walks of life. i don't think people realize just how often this happens. boys and men are sexually abused probably the same, if not more, than girls and women. no matter the "amount" of the occurrence, it happens, and no matter what the gender, it is still wrong equally!

one of the issues i commonly hear and am tired of hearing, is the comparison of whether it is worse for a girl or guy to be abused, in any manner. why does this matter?! abuse is abuse and is wrong on the same level. it shouldn't happen! and the sad part is, it is going to happen, and it is going to happen more and more! and there's NOTHING we can really do about it. but is it so much to ask that we be there for those that go through it?

why is is that people toss the abused, whether it be sexually, mentally, or physically, aside, and ignore them?! sure, we have our issues, but we need love just as much. we need attention, we need friends, and we need to be cared about.

i would like to take this moment to state my stand on my abuse. YES! it was wrong what was done to me, and i believe full heartedly that it should NEVER happen to anybody! but, my stand is this. my abuse made me the person i am today. i wouldn't trade it for the world. i think that i have handled it well, and many men, don't! i see it and hear it everyday! and the way i feel about it, is, God allowed this to happen to me. see, there are a total of 32 guys that come to me for advice and help. and there are more to come. i am only about 9 months into my "ministry" to these men, and i already have 32 men! this is phenomenal!!! outside of these 32 men, i also have many who are just my friends, yes they come to me for advice, but as a friend. not as someone that i "counsel". i fully believe that God placed this in my path to help those who come behind me. and i do enjoy doing it. but along with many things in life, it comes with it's ups and downs.

like, i love being there for people. i always have and i always will! but along with being there for people, there's the whole, neglect of my need. while i do know that that is the point of being selfless, this is a different level of neglecting my need. i sit here, on this end of my computer, phone, and many times, across a counter, table, or desk, and comfort, and help, and spread love and encouragement, many times, i am having a rough day, or feeling down myself, and i have to put my feelings aside, and focus on the feelings of others. i have found this to be the key to true joy. i love it. but while i am pushing aside this need for love on my end, there isn't many people on my end who help and encourage me.

so i would like to take this time to thank the few people who do, and i am going to miss some for sure. and some i am going to purposely miss, because i am not sure you want your name mentioned in this note.

so, i would like to first, mention my Pastor. he has been awesome! i can always count on him to be there no matter what. secondly, my co-laborer in many ministries at the church, and my BIGGEST inspiration and help through my ministry, Bro. Dale Akin.

there isn't a moment gone by that he doesn't put his hand on my shoulder and tell me he loves me and is praying for me. he's always the first to call me and make sure that i am doing okay and i don't need anything etc. Bro. Dale and i run our Reformers Unanimous program together, he is the director, i am just the secretary, and we also sing together and he leads music when the music director is not able to be there for a church service, so we work together almost ALL the time! i love him to death! third, my parents.

can you imagine how hard it is, to, ten years after it happened, find out that your youngest son, your baby, was raped and molested?! from the moment they found out, they have been there and supportive! they are, or TRY to be, EVERYTHING that i need! i am forever grateful for the love and support they give to me! fourth, my brother.

my brother was the 3rd person i told. and he has been there for me even more than my parents are and have been! Tommy always has been my rock. my counselor and my best friend! Fifth, my aunt dana and uncle dick.

they only found out recently, like months ago, but even without knowing, throughout my whole life, i could ALWAYS count on my aunt and uncle to be there for us. whether it be to loan us money, or giving us clothes, or food, rides, etc. there are many times we didn't even deserve it, and yet their unconditional love was radiant! i love them with all my heart and i don't know where i would be without them!!! they would give you the clothes off of your back if you wanted them!!! wonderful people! and i feel honored that God chose my family to place them in!!!! Fifth, my music director, Kevin Bradstreet.

he doesn't even realize how much he has been there for me. many times, when i get down, all i wanna do is clean, or work. it's part of my OCD. and i have noticed a pattern that whenever i am more down than usual, he gives me more work to do. and i LOVE it! church is my life! and i get criticized ALL the time for devoting myself so much to it, but i don't care! it's what i love and it's what makes me happy. and then there's also the fact that he is just all around there for me! i know that if i need to talk, his door is always open! i don't normally use it, as Bro. Dale has beat him to it, but none the less, i know it's there! LOL

those are not really in that particular order, but those are the top 5 in my life. i am sure there are more than this, but i wanted to keep the number down a little for times sake. sorry if i missed you.

since this note is to get things off of my chest, i am going to do that just now, so if you're depressed, don't continue reading this right now, cause it will make it worse. there are some things that have gone on my life since i have "come out" about my abuse, and i am not going to give detail to anyone, so don't expect me to in a personal message either. my life motto, "if you don't already know, then it's more than likely none of your business."


okay, why is it that the day i chose to extend my helping hand to men such as myself, i get shunned by many close people to me?! why is it considered weird to help these people?! ESPECIALLY when i AM one of them! if you can't accept these men, then you can't accept me! and that hurts! especially when we've been friends for over 10 years! why is it automatically assumed that just cause we were abused, that we are going to abuse someone else?! why is it that when i am hold ing a baby, people watch me like a hawk?! like i'm a freak of nature?! like, WHERE'S HIS HANDS?! it hurts! i'm not going to water it down at all. it really hurts when i can't hold my "nephew" without parents breathing down my shoulder. after this accusation is made, obviously, i am going to pull away from the friendship! so why is it that it is suddenly my fault that we don't talk anymore?! what do you want me to do? brush it under the rug and pretend it never happened, while you sit there and give me weird looks and watch me like a hawk?! not going to happen! why is it that while i am sitting here focused on other people's needs, i only have a few people who verbally tell me that they love me and are here for me? i need the same treatment too ya know. call me selfish if you want, but i don't ask for much in life, but i think respect, love, friendship, and attention really isn't much to ask for. the prior concern in my life was brought on by someone the other day. we were talking in a group session that i was holding, and they were all telling each other positive things about each other and how much they love each other, and someone said, off to the side, "I'd say i love you too, but you don't really need it." nnow, i know they didn't really mean it the way it sounds. but, even though i appear to be this strong, insightful, encouraging, always peppy and positive guy, i still need love and attention too! as of now, i have cried enough for one night and i am going to give it a break, but expect a continuation at some point!

Yet...another emotion pops into me head

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 2:57 PM | Posted in

So, this random thought just popped into my head, and I had to get it out....so here goes.

When I first came out, you know, like that wasn't hard enough! I had to have people who made their comments to me, gave their looks. I got used to it. But nothing hurt more than the day my mother looked at me and said, "You know, maybe God took your sister and Grandma so they wouldn't have to see what you'd become."

I'll never forget that. That cut me deeper than any friend or family member that had deserted me. I mean how much of a heartless bastard can you be?! I mean, seriously! I really don't think that the God that you serve would have ever said or done something that low!

That's what amazes em the most throughout this whole experience. You know?! Christians sit there and judge me for being who I am, and they make their smart comments, and give me their nasty looks, but they're being VERY hypocritical. I mean, do they really expect for me to just start believing in what they do because they're doing the exact opposite?! HELL NO!!! It just pushes me away even more!

I am quite pleased with what I believe in right now. With Pagans, we don't judge people, we don't hold them up to any certain light. We're very open minded. There is no real set way to live with our religion and beliefs. It's all different for each person. Why?! Because we believe that each person has a different path to take in life, and that doesn't make anyone any better than anyone else, it just makes us all the more different and unique!

So you can take your Christian beliefs and shove them up your tight assholes. Cause I don't want to have anything to do with it. When you can get your heads out of your asses enough to where whenever you open your mouths, shit doesn't fall out, then maybe I'll listen. Just sayin. Have a nice day....the Bon Jovi way!

OK...so...this one time...at band camp....

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:51 PM | Posted in , , ,

I chose that title, because this blog is totally inspired by "American Pie". I got to thinking today about what was so wrong with American Pie, besides it being pretty much completely straight themed. The answer? NOTHING! People just have a hard time accepting things they can't control, things they can't do, and things that christians have rated as private!

Sex is a common thing. It's normal! Who hasn't had sex, seen sex, or know what it is?! But I'm not only talking about things that are of sexual nature, but also things that aren't, such as, magick. Or as people call it, witchcraft.

I myself, am not only gay, but I'm also Wiccan, or your modern day witch. People don't believe magick is real but truth is, it is. It may not be the card and coin tricks you see in shows, but magick most certainly is real. I have seen and done many things in the 3 short months that I've actually been a solitary practicing Wiccan. So I personally have no issue talking about it, or believing in it. But if other people knew what I have seen and done?! They'd put me in a straight jacket.

One of my all time favorite movies always has been the Salem Witch Trials. That movie helped me to see what people are REALLY afraid of. It also helped me understand a lot of things about life. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend seeing it. I just bought it off of Target.com for like, $10 on DVD including shipping, and it only comes in widescreen, but that is one of the features of the movie that makes it so interesting. Normally I hate widescreen.

Anyway, why are people so afraid of magick? Why can't they accept that it exists? Why is sex something that is kept quiet? My personal opinion is this. I believe that man, while trying to feel dominant, created all these "rules" or preferences to try to control the world. For instance, back to witches, back when witches were burnt at the stake, did you know that most of the women who were being martyred were just women that could do what men could...such as the mid-wives? But there are male witches too....so why weren't men being hung and burned at the stake? Because it was just another way for men to feel dominant! That's my opinion! Take it or leave it!

Things life brings our way

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Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 1:47 AM | Posted in

Sometimes I wonder about things that life causes us to do, and brings our way. Just a few moments ago, I had to write an email to my best friend, my cousin, and to top it off, she was also like my sister.

See, I was born and raised Independant Fundemental Baptist, as was she. But I always knew there was something different about me. Something that if the world knew, I wouldn't be as accepted, well liked, and things would never be the same. I am gay.

Just three short months ago, I came out, and naturally, just as I had feared, I was not well accepted anymore, wasn't liked as much, and got shunned by many people. By the church? you ask? No, not really. Yes, naturally, a few have a hard time with it, as you'll find in any group of people. But those that had the hardest time with it, was the family.

It was 3 months before my grandmother spoke to me again. I visited the church with her, and was not spoken to by the family that was at the church, including this cousin. I had many "friends" that just walked right past me, many that didn't even bother to do that. Then there was the few that actually came up and talked to me.

Needless to say, throughout this entire experience, I have found out who loves me, and who are assholes.

Just moments ago, I made the hard decision of sending an email to my cousin, telling her....well, I'll let you read it.

"I am sorry that you couldn't come to terms with life, and in turn have blocked me out. But truth is, I don't need people to live and go on with my life. I have my real friends, and the family who cares about me, and this time in my life has shown me those who truly care, from those who don't. I really appreciate you finally showing your true feelings towards me. It is now time for me to move on, and that is just what I am going to do.

I'm afraid it's really too late to reverse anything that's already been done. It's kind of amusing. My entire life I invested in christians, and in my greatest time of need, it was the christians who stabbed me in the back and forsook me. That's okay. At least I know who is real and who isn't. I'm sure we'll see each other around, it's inevitable. We're family, and you're stuck with me. Sorry I can't be permenantly erased as you obviously would prefer me to be.

I hope that you have a nice life.

Philip"

After sending this email, I feel quite relieved and like a ton of bricks has been lifted off of my chest. Yes, I am quite hurt by how I've not only been treated, but also by how I've NOT been treated! But life goes on, and so must we. So until next time, Stay Cute!