Just some things I needed to get off me chest

Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 12:41 AM | Posted in

as many people who REALLY know me, you know that i was sexually abused at the ages of 10 and 14. i never told anyone until last year-ish. so getting through a lot of the issues that followed, had to come from within myself. and if i do say so, i didn't do that bad of a job for being just a teenager. along with the abuse, i attempted suicide twice, running away from home on multiple occasions, and had HUGE anger issues. i had no respect for authority, and i really never thought i would make anything of myself, nor did anyone that knew me. the only difference was, nobody knew about my past abuse, except myself and God. i succumed many issues, and others, i didn't. now that i am an adult, and have gotten this far in my life, i consider it a "personal ministry" to help other boys and men, who have been sexually abused. but, i still have many issues. but it could be a LOT worse, as i have learned through the many "advice sessions" i have had with many guys from all different walks of life. i don't think people realize just how often this happens. boys and men are sexually abused probably the same, if not more, than girls and women. no matter the "amount" of the occurrence, it happens, and no matter what the gender, it is still wrong equally!

one of the issues i commonly hear and am tired of hearing, is the comparison of whether it is worse for a girl or guy to be abused, in any manner. why does this matter?! abuse is abuse and is wrong on the same level. it shouldn't happen! and the sad part is, it is going to happen, and it is going to happen more and more! and there's NOTHING we can really do about it. but is it so much to ask that we be there for those that go through it?

why is is that people toss the abused, whether it be sexually, mentally, or physically, aside, and ignore them?! sure, we have our issues, but we need love just as much. we need attention, we need friends, and we need to be cared about.

i would like to take this moment to state my stand on my abuse. YES! it was wrong what was done to me, and i believe full heartedly that it should NEVER happen to anybody! but, my stand is this. my abuse made me the person i am today. i wouldn't trade it for the world. i think that i have handled it well, and many men, don't! i see it and hear it everyday! and the way i feel about it, is, God allowed this to happen to me. see, there are a total of 32 guys that come to me for advice and help. and there are more to come. i am only about 9 months into my "ministry" to these men, and i already have 32 men! this is phenomenal!!! outside of these 32 men, i also have many who are just my friends, yes they come to me for advice, but as a friend. not as someone that i "counsel". i fully believe that God placed this in my path to help those who come behind me. and i do enjoy doing it. but along with many things in life, it comes with it's ups and downs.

like, i love being there for people. i always have and i always will! but along with being there for people, there's the whole, neglect of my need. while i do know that that is the point of being selfless, this is a different level of neglecting my need. i sit here, on this end of my computer, phone, and many times, across a counter, table, or desk, and comfort, and help, and spread love and encouragement, many times, i am having a rough day, or feeling down myself, and i have to put my feelings aside, and focus on the feelings of others. i have found this to be the key to true joy. i love it. but while i am pushing aside this need for love on my end, there isn't many people on my end who help and encourage me.

so i would like to take this time to thank the few people who do, and i am going to miss some for sure. and some i am going to purposely miss, because i am not sure you want your name mentioned in this note.

so, i would like to first, mention my Pastor. he has been awesome! i can always count on him to be there no matter what. secondly, my co-laborer in many ministries at the church, and my BIGGEST inspiration and help through my ministry, Bro. Dale Akin.

there isn't a moment gone by that he doesn't put his hand on my shoulder and tell me he loves me and is praying for me. he's always the first to call me and make sure that i am doing okay and i don't need anything etc. Bro. Dale and i run our Reformers Unanimous program together, he is the director, i am just the secretary, and we also sing together and he leads music when the music director is not able to be there for a church service, so we work together almost ALL the time! i love him to death! third, my parents.

can you imagine how hard it is, to, ten years after it happened, find out that your youngest son, your baby, was raped and molested?! from the moment they found out, they have been there and supportive! they are, or TRY to be, EVERYTHING that i need! i am forever grateful for the love and support they give to me! fourth, my brother.

my brother was the 3rd person i told. and he has been there for me even more than my parents are and have been! Tommy always has been my rock. my counselor and my best friend! Fifth, my aunt dana and uncle dick.

they only found out recently, like months ago, but even without knowing, throughout my whole life, i could ALWAYS count on my aunt and uncle to be there for us. whether it be to loan us money, or giving us clothes, or food, rides, etc. there are many times we didn't even deserve it, and yet their unconditional love was radiant! i love them with all my heart and i don't know where i would be without them!!! they would give you the clothes off of your back if you wanted them!!! wonderful people! and i feel honored that God chose my family to place them in!!!! Fifth, my music director, Kevin Bradstreet.

he doesn't even realize how much he has been there for me. many times, when i get down, all i wanna do is clean, or work. it's part of my OCD. and i have noticed a pattern that whenever i am more down than usual, he gives me more work to do. and i LOVE it! church is my life! and i get criticized ALL the time for devoting myself so much to it, but i don't care! it's what i love and it's what makes me happy. and then there's also the fact that he is just all around there for me! i know that if i need to talk, his door is always open! i don't normally use it, as Bro. Dale has beat him to it, but none the less, i know it's there! LOL

those are not really in that particular order, but those are the top 5 in my life. i am sure there are more than this, but i wanted to keep the number down a little for times sake. sorry if i missed you.

since this note is to get things off of my chest, i am going to do that just now, so if you're depressed, don't continue reading this right now, cause it will make it worse. there are some things that have gone on my life since i have "come out" about my abuse, and i am not going to give detail to anyone, so don't expect me to in a personal message either. my life motto, "if you don't already know, then it's more than likely none of your business."

okay, why is it that the day i chose to extend my helping hand to men such as myself, i get shunned by many close people to me?! why is it considered weird to help these people?! ESPECIALLY when i AM one of them! if you can't accept these men, then you can't accept me! and that hurts! especially when we've been friends for over 10 years! why is it automatically assumed that just cause we were abused, that we are going to abuse someone else?! why is it that when i am hold ing a baby, people watch me like a hawk?! like i'm a freak of nature?! like, WHERE'S HIS HANDS?! it hurts! i'm not going to water it down at all. it really hurts when i can't hold my "nephew" without parents breathing down my shoulder. after this accusation is made, obviously, i am going to pull away from the friendship! so why is it that it is suddenly my fault that we don't talk anymore?! what do you want me to do? brush it under the rug and pretend it never happened, while you sit there and give me weird looks and watch me like a hawk?! not going to happen! why is it that while i am sitting here focused on other people's needs, i only have a few people who verbally tell me that they love me and are here for me? i need the same treatment too ya know. call me selfish if you want, but i don't ask for much in life, but i think respect, love, friendship, and attention really isn't much to ask for. the prior concern in my life was brought on by someone the other day. we were talking in a group session that i was holding, and they were all telling each other positive things about each other and how much they love each other, and someone said, off to the side, "I'd say i love you too, but you don't really need it." nnow, i know they didn't really mean it the way it sounds. but, even though i appear to be this strong, insightful, encouraging, always peppy and positive guy, i still need love and attention too! as of now, i have cried enough for one night and i am going to give it a break, but expect a continuation at some point!

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