Reader Discretion is Advised!!!

Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 2:07 PM | Posted in

Okay, so today was a day of may events and non-events. Some were good, and some were bad, the others just don't matter enough.

This morning, I woke up, and something dawned on me. I'm scared of love. I know it sounds crazy, but I really am afraid of love. It's not so much the getting hurt part, it's the literal loving. Everything about it scares me. This is both an emotional thing, a sexual and physical thing, it's everything about it. Ever since I knew I was gay, I always told myself and convinced myself that I was a top. This stems from a lot of things, the key factor being that the only gay sex I've had was forced upon me and was not enjoyable, and I didn't think I could go through it again. When I think of sex, I associate it with both emotional and mostly physical pain. But when I came out, and actually got involved in gay culture, I realized that I am not a top, but am in fact a bottom. There's nothing "top" about me. I am also OCD, and cannot have or put things in my mouth, therefore oral is an issue for me. This really limits me as a gay man. Then, to top it off, The last time I was raped, the "guy" was massive....if you want measurements, I'll tell you cause he "got off" on making measuring himself as foreplay....needless to say, to this day I still bleed anally, and yes, I've been to the doctor. They said they don't see where I'm bleeding from because it's not a constant thing so they can't fix it, but the bleeding is little, so it's not really anything to worry about..and they're right. It doesn't last very long. Anyway, this scares me about not being able to please my man!

As far as emotionally, it is hard to explain, but I fear not only loving, but being loved. What if I cannot live up to my part of a partnership? What if they cannot live up to their end of the partnership? What if I'm taken advantage of? What if I'm cheated on? What if..... Normally I can bypass "what ifs" but for this issue of loving someone, I just can't get past it. I don't want to be like those people that sleep around and end up with diseases and such, and/or no heart just a constantly hard penis that does all the thinking for them. I hate those guys that only want hookups and when they find out that they have to be with you longer than 5 minutes for you to drop your pants they stop talking to you. I don't want to be associated with those shallow guys...but anymore that seems like the gay culture norm. So where are all the guys like myself that actually want something meaningful and lasting?

Something else that plays into this is the whole relationship thing. When we think of relationships, we think of walking around in public holding hands, some PDA going on, and such..but for us gay people, it's not just that simple. There's more that gets factored in. There's gay bashing, nasty looks, dirty comments, etc..... I have to keep asking myself if I'm ready to face it.

You would think this wouldn't be an issue since I wear heavy makeup all the time, and I wear gay pride jewelry, but it is different when there's two of you and you're making public affection...it's not as accepted as being ONE gay individual. I am really afraid that one day something might happen that will scar one or both of us for life, maybe even kill us.

Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. I know that being gay is not like a tragedy, obviously! I think that it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I do however know that it's not all Peaches and Cream all the time either.

Then on top of the constant ridicule, there's the normal struggles that every couple has whether gay or VOMITstraightVOMIT...lol. Sorry, you know I have to throw humor in there.


ANYWAY!!!! Moving on to a GREAT topic! My mother....O....M....G.....my mother. I was to meet CJ today, a guy I've been talking to for a while. Mom out of the blue surprised me by making a Halloween basket for CJ. It was a glass pumpkin she filled with candy. I know it sounds stupid and small...and you're like, "What's the big deal?!" Well, this is a GOOD big deal!!! As most who read my blog know, I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so therefore, my parents are strict Baptist. When I came out, I not only came out as a gay man, but I also converted to Wicca. This was a lot for my parents to deal with at once, but they never strayed from my side in loving me. Sure, they made and still make, comments here and there, but they still loved me and made sure I felt it and knew it too. So this morning when Mom did the "act of kindness" towards the man that she may eventually be taking on as her "son-in-law", it touched my heart something fierce. I knew at that moment, that even if loving and being loved hurt....I would always have my family behind me to back me up and help me get back on my feet.

I want a relationship....so why is this an issue?! Why is my brain being a fucktard?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Thoughts are welcome and wanted.

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