ROYGBIV

So, I was talking to my good friend Xian today, and was telling him about my passion to write a book. This is something that I've wanted to do for a long time, but I never knew what my subject would be. But I knew that if I waited long enough, it would come to me.

While talking, I was talking about the blindness of parents and such. The main topic was how parents are so blinded by what THEY want, that they don't see the real truth. For years, I knew I was gay and acted as a gay person, but if you ask my parents, they'll tell you that they had their ideas, but had no clue that I was gay. See how that doesn't make sense?! Yet, in their minds, it is a complete reality. They were in such denial that one of their own children could be gay, that they took blatantly obvious clues, and hid them behind their own desires. Now, 11 years later they are faced with the reality and have to accept it.


So my book is going to be based on the parents side of coming out and ways that we as gay people, or GLBTQ people, can understand our parents struggles better, and help them overcome their own fears and such. It is going to be a "Coming Out for Dummies" book basically. I come from a baptist background, and I know how I was raised and such. I am a very observant person and I have a very wise and open head on my shoulders. And though I am only 22, and people may think that I'm not qualified to write a book, especially since I've only been out as a gay man for 4 months, I know for a fact that I am more than qualified. So, consider this the announcement of my new book, and I hope that I can count on y'all, my readers, for your input along the way!

I am sure that most of my blogs will be in support of my book, basically summing up ideas and such that pop in my head. This book will also be covering the suicide issue from many angles as well. Not just being gay, but I'm also going to attack the suicide rates of parents whose children are gay as well. I'm going to aim to help us, as GLBTQ citizens, to understand that, even though our happiness is important, it is also important that we fully understand the impact that it has on everyone's life around us. From the viewpoint of people that pass us on the street, work with us, went to church with us, grew up with us, close family, distant family, religious, non-religious, I'm throwing all these in. I am going to interview people personally for the input, not just assume I know what they think.

So, for starters, if you would like to participate in my book, whether it be by being interviewed, or knowing someone that you'd like to have interviewed, by all means contact me at terpprm@yahoo.com. We will work something out. There is no deadline, as I'm just starting. I haven't even started planning yet, as I'm letting the book idea simmer for a bit so I can fully grasp the subject in its entirety. Thanks ahead of time!!!

So I thought I would talk about insecurities in this blog, mainly my own.

First of all, I KNOW that I'm a very insecure person. I have a HUGE fear of being alone, and dying alone. I've been hurt so many times in my life, I feel worthless, and like I'm used property. I often feel depressed about life. Let's face it, we never have as many friends as we want. I second guess myself, my decisions, and everything. I am very high on insecurities and self esteem issues.

What got me to thinking about this is I was walking through work, at Target, and I saw a display of a beautiful lady wearing a beautiful outfit. And I found myself getting depressed cause I wasn't attracted to her. And immediately I got upset with myself. I am very happy as a homosexual! I don't regret one minute of it. But what played a big part in that scene, was my christian upbringing. It was drilled into my head that there is something wrong with being homosexual. So here I am, trying to be the "normal" that I was raised to be, when in fact, I am more than happy with who I am!

So why is it that we go through life trying to be what other people want us to be rather than answering our own calls, and choosing our own paths? Now, I'm not going to give my opinion right now, I'd like to hear what others have to say. Spread the word about my blog, get others involved, let's have us a little debate. ;-)

I was lying in my bed, and a thought popped in. I had to get out of bed and blog this before I forgot.

I was thinking about the movie "Prayers for Bobby". I am sure most of you know of, or have seen the movie. Just in case I will recap. Basically a christian boy comes out of the closet, his family shoves him out of their lives, criticizes and abuses him. In the end, it took the boy committing suicide for the mom to realize what she should have from the beginning.

Now, being raised "christian" myself, I know what Christians are taught, and I know what they believe. I also know the difference between what they're taught and what they do. I am not going to sit here and try to defend them. But I know from the last pastor I had, he did NOT teach them to hate me, to shun me, or disrespect me, it is the Christians who CHOOSE to do so. Might I add that most of them from that church don't? Do you know why? Because the pastor has led them by example to love everyone no matter what!

Anyway, I was thinking about the ratio of GLBTs that are Christians. I did some research and found many numbers, but I am only going to use one of them, and I asked for guidance so I feel I chose a right and accurate one. 44% of the GLBT community, were once Christians. It was also stated that a GLBT person who was once a christian is 27 times more likely to commit suicide! That's heart breaking! And why do you think this rate is so high?! I'll tell you why! Because some Christians think that it's their job to judge and criticize other people. NEWSFLASH!!!! You can't replace God!!!

So here's a thought. I attempted suicide as a young teenager, 3 times, and I know that my reason for it was because I was scared to death of not being accepted by everyone I knew, aka Christians. And on top of it, I was dealing with sexual abuse and neglect of my family's attention, as I wasn't really liked anyway. So just how many suicides are caused by a christian? Let's stop and think about this. Who is known to be the most judgmental people on the face of the earth? Those that claim to be Christians. So why is it that they can't see just what kind of damage they are causing. I'm by no means saying that Christians should be ousted from the planet, I'm just simply saying that they need to really consider what their God would be doing if He were in their shoes! I highly doubt He would be the cause of suicides!

Using statistics, on average, there are about 32, 622 suicides a year. Here are some more statistics breaking down that number:
1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.
On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.
On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.
On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.
Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year olds.(1st = accidents, 2nd = homicide)
Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year olds.Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.
Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.
Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.
More males die from suicide than females.(4 male deaths by suicide for each female death by suicide.)
More people die from suicide than from homicide.(Suicide ranks as the 11th leading cause of death; Homicide ranks 13th.)
73% of all suicide deaths are white males.
80% of all firearm suicide deaths are white males.
Among the highest rates (when categorized by gender and race) are suicide deaths for white men over 85. (54 per 100,000)

Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity / Young, Old Age Groups

                                             Rate Per
                 Number        Per Day      100,000    % of Deaths  
Total .............30,622..........83.9.........10.8..........1.3
Males .............24,672..........67.6.........17.6..........2.1
Females.............5,950..........16.3..........4.1..........0.5
Whites.............27,710..........75.9.........11.9..........1.3
Nonwhites...........2,912...........8.0..........5.6..........0.9
Blacks..............1,957...........5.4..........5.3..........0.7
Elderly (65+ yrs.) .5,393..........14.8.........15.3..........0.3
Young (15-24 yrs.)..3,971..........10.9..........9.9.........12.3

Further Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity

Rate Per Group # of Suicides 100,000
White Male.......22,328........19.5
White Female .....5,382.........4.6
Nonwhite Male ....2,344.........9.3
Nonwhite Female ....568.........2.1
Black Male .......1,627.........9.2
Black Female........330.........1.7
Hispanic...........1850.........5.0

I also read that one in three teen aged suicides was gay or lesbian.

That's just a thought for you. So next time you go criticize someone, think about the number that you might be putting on the chart. And even though you may not care, put yourself in the family's shoes who will be losing this loved one, and reconsider how you treat or react to someone, just because of sexual orientation, outward appearance, or any other reason.

Why is it that people think that the only thing that exists in the world is sex? Anymore, in my search for Mr. Right, all I can find is people who want sex. I mean, I myself am not a very sexual person, and sometimes it would be nice to find someone who just wants to cuddle, someone who just wants to have a conversation. Or maybe even find someone who doesn't care that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but cares about me for my great personality. Is it so much to ask for, to want someone who loves me for my soul. My body is not a toy, well, it is, but it is a sacred toy and I'm not going to give it to just anyone. I mean, seriously.....

Anyway, I just may have met someone special. Someone who actually thinks about me throughout the day, and lets me know. It's finally nice to know that I matter to someone. He makes me feel really special. Things he says to me, about me, and just everything. Let's hope nothing happens!!! Cause I deserve to be happy and I believe that this is my time! Jealous? don't be! You're time is coming too!!!

Everyone has someone out there. And we are all deserving of things. And how you live your life determines WHAT you're deserving of! So if you want a good man, or woman, or whatever the hell you're into, then live it! Just sayin......

I want all who read my blog to watch this. Cause if there's anything I know, is that at times, we feel that it's the end. We are done. Can't continue, who are we kidding, right?! Wrong. Take a little trip with me. Watch this video, and let your heart be touched, just as mine was!

Here is a little motivational speech that I came up with just for everyone on a website for men who have been sexually abused! And I thought it could be used in EVERYONE's life in some way, shape, or form!

Have you ever thought of the word, "the"? I mean, such a little word and yet has so much importance behind it. Have you ever tried to go throughout the day, and not use the word "the"? It is impossible!!!! Try it sometime!

"The" is the ONLY definite article of the English language!!!! "The" makes things happen here and now!!!!

The application:

How we live our life is important. we may seem so little, and so un-important, but really think about your life! How many things wouldn't happen, if you were not in existence? Could your family, place of work, your friends, your support groups, could they "happen" without you?

If not, then perhaps, we are doing something wrong. we should live with such a life, that we leave that impression of good character and uniqueness in our life. I mean, if I miss work, I want them to say, "OH NO!!!! He's the hardest working person I have!!!! What will I do????? I need "THE"!!!!!!!!!"

It is also said that the English language is the only language that has a definite article!

We should live our lives with absolutes! some definites! Meaning, in our lives, there are things that we should KNOW, and that will not change! Things like, I personally have my brother! I know, that no matter what, I will always have him! I know that my parents are an absolute in my life!!!!

"The" makes things happen here and now:

Do you make things happen "here and now"? Or do we live with the mindset that, "eh, I am a survivor, I have my struggles, they can go on without me"? Or going through life, not caring, or just not doing things because, "we aren't 'normal' anyway? Why not live as "the"?

We could take so many lessons from such a little word in the English language!

Something we need to think about often, is how are we living our life? They say that life is like a vapor. How are you living your vapor? It happens quick you know! How many of you are old enough, or maybe have seen, the old tea kettles, when your mother's would make tea? And coming out of the spout, was a vapor. And almost as soon as it would appear, it would disappear. our lives are the same way! They happen, but oh so quickly!!!!

Here's another way to put it. On tombstones, there are 2 dates. The day you were born, and the day you died. In between those dates, is a dash(-). That dash represents a period of time. For some it is short, and others long, but, none-the-less, it represents a period of time. This period of time, what will your represent? When people visit your graveside, will they look at your dash and say good things about it? Or will they say bad things about it?

This is just a few things to think about. and I would really like y'all to think about them. a simple punctuation mark like "-", and a simple article like "the", and a little bit of heat and water, and the relation to our lives.

I have a few challenges for everyone:

1) Try to look around you and think of your own life applications we can learn from the world around us. It is amazing how things were placed here, and they seem so minute, but they have so much to teach us!

2) Reply to this post with things in this life that can't go on without you! this could be a little bit of an encouragement and an eye opener for some, to see just how important you really are!


I also encourage any other comments to this post as well.......

So this is one of those blogs where you don't know what to write, so you just write, wondering what you're going to say next.

Lately, I've been quite depressed, for a lot of reason's really. I mean, let's put it into perspective. I was born and raised a Christian. In their eyes, I had a lot going for me. I was playing 5 instruments for the church, practically made up the orchestra by myself, if I could have only figured out how to play all of them at once, I was interpreting for the deaf, I was doing so much with an addictions ministry, I had my own side ministry to men who have been and were being sexual, mentally, and/or physically abused, in the Christian's eyes, I had it all. But I lacked one thing, happiness.

What made things difficult was when I was 11 I knew 100% that I was gay. I also knew, that telling people would bring on consequences. You can't be a Christian and gay at the same time, right?!

So finally, 3 months ago I made the rough decision of coming out. It started out as a slow process, but ended up taking a week for the world to find out. It's amazing how the people who you think are your closest friends, would rat you out in a heart beat, knowing damn well that it would hurt you. Needless to say, as I'm sure you've figured out, someone else told the pastor before I could, and I found myself being called in his office and removed from my positions, but still being allowed to go to the church. There were of course stipulations, I couldn't wear makeup, which was funny, because I had been for almost a year and it wasn't a problem up til now. I also couldn't bring my boyfriends in and if I did, we couldn't hang on each other.

Problem is, I had already made up my mind that when I came out, I wouldn't linger around, where I'm not going to be liked. And, as you can imagine, and like anybody else's coming out story, I was disowned by many.

But I must say, for the most part, the church did well. Nobody really disowned me, though most don't speak to me, we have to give it time, as everyone now has to get used to the new me. Even I am getting used to the new me. But what hurt the most is the family, the ones who were suppose to be the biggest supporters, they were the ones who make the harsh comments, and disowned me, and stab me in the back.

As you can imagine, since I invested my entire life being around Christians, when I came out, I no longer had anyone to hang out with. So the past few months has been rough. I sit here day by day on this computer, and it has become my best friend. I do everything on it. We have dinner together, we play games, watch movies, drink coffee, I even talk to it, and sometimes it talks back. Okay, IT, doesn't, but the person on the other end of the Instant Messenger does. ;-)

I've tried many avenues of trying to find friends. I go to bars occasionally, even though I don't really drink, I am on websites galore, I've tried a lot of things, sometimes it just seems like there's no hope.

To top things off, I not only left the church as a gay man, I also left and became a Witch, a Pagan...and have also allowed myself to pick up my emo style. So I am a big let down to a lot of people.

But as I sit here and write this blog, I have to remind myself, that being Christian didn't give me all of my talents and abilities. I can still play all 5 instruments, I still interpret for the deaf, and I still have my outreach to men who've been sexually abused, and most of those guys all have addictions. So I guess it's true that you CAN have the best of both worlds. Better yet, I'll one up it, how about there isn't really any ONE world!

See, so many people live their life thinking there's only one way to do things. But nobody stops to think about what if you're wrong. Christians always come at me with the Bible. "Well you know that the Bible says it's wrong"....well, what if the Bible is just another fiction book?! Did you ever stop to think about that?! What if everything you live for, is a lie?! Why are we so closed minded anymore that we can't even see the possibility of us being wrong?

This is what I believe. I believe that in this world, there are many beliefs. But I don't believe any of them are wrong, they just aren't right for every person. So who are we to judge someone for being gay, or straight, or Wicca, or agnostic, or atheist, or anything else in the world? I'm so tired of people in the world being so critical of other people. GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!

Anyway, the point of this blog, is to thank the friends, even though you may be distant, or we may not do a lot together. And I apologize if I miss someone, it's not cause you're not important, it's cause it's 7 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep.

Probably my best friend right now, and person I am most close to, is Jon Webb. Jon has been there through my thick and thins. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my sexuality. He is the person I tell my deepest and darkest thoughts with.

Next is his brother Christian(or Xian as he prefers to go by) Webb. Xian has been the biggest inspiration to me, and though we only talk via Twitter and Yahoo IM, if we ever get Jon to get his ass busy, I'll get to meet him in person ;-). I've always admired Xian for being open about who he is, and never miss reading any of his blogs! Xian has a lot to offer the world. Xian is extremely cute, though I've never told him that, and he's going to read this and that's how he'll learn that I think he's cute. But that's okay, I'm allowed to think people are cute. :D

My 3rd, and one of my crushes..is Kevin Raskin. Kevin is a fellow interpreter for the deaf. I met him via facebook through a group for interpreters. I fell in love with him (not literally) almost immediately. He is a great looking guy, and the most kind and funny person. I think if he didn't live so far away, we may be inseparable. I do, and always did have a man crush on him, and it wasn't so secret. I've always openly flirted with him, even prior to coming out. Somehow Kevin manages to push through my consisting flirting and is also one of my best friends, to whom I tell everything. Something happens, I'm literally on the phone, either texting, Blackberry Messaging, or calling him.

Next, I would have to say I would put, Cris. Cris lives in Texas and we met online. He's a really cute 19 year old young man, and I love him to pieces. I hate that there's distance between us. Not only are we great friends, but I think we would make great lovers too! He makes me feel very special and every time I get a message from him, my face lights up and I can't help but smile!

And on to another, my friend Allen Hanberg. Poor Allen. I put him through the ringer! He's the most gorgeous 38 year old man I'd ever seen in my life, and if he'd put down the age barrier, I'd date him despite the distance. He lives in Utah. And I REALLY flirt with him heavily. But all in all, flirting aside, I value his friendship and wouldn't do anything to endanger it.

Then there's of course Amy Edwards. Amy and I met, because I work with her daughter, and she is a Starbucks addict, so she is in A LOT! I lover her to death! I could literally talk to her for hours!!! She's a mom and a best friend all in one. But I tend to think of her as a sister more than a mother. I also would like to mention that she is one of the most beautiful ladies, inside and out, that I've ever met.

Another great friend of mine is Julian Miller. We met on a 3d chat, and hit it off almost immediately. Yes, again, he's gorgeous! In fact, I would even stretch it to say he's an Italian god!!!!

Then the newest addition to this list, I just met this past week, and just talked to him a few hours ago, but I see us being great friends. His name is Christopher Nickell. He's a 21 year old I met on paganspace.net. He actually friend requested me, and after seeing his gorgeous face, how could I say no?! ;-) Anyway, I'll move on before it gets awkward.

The most important person in my life, and I would kill anyone over him, including the people in the above list, is my brother. Roy Thomas McDavid Jr. Throughout my entire life, I knew that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He did so much for me growing up, was a great role model, and has been my best friend and my everything. I only hope that one day I can repay what he has given me. Many will never understand.

I'm going to end this blog now, and would like to point out that if the person I mentioned had a blog or web page, their name is a link to it. Go and support them. ;-)