ROYGBIV

I was lying in my bed, and a thought popped in. I had to get out of bed and blog this before I forgot.

I was thinking about the movie "Prayers for Bobby". I am sure most of you know of, or have seen the movie. Just in case I will recap. Basically a christian boy comes out of the closet, his family shoves him out of their lives, criticizes and abuses him. In the end, it took the boy committing suicide for the mom to realize what she should have from the beginning.

Now, being raised "christian" myself, I know what Christians are taught, and I know what they believe. I also know the difference between what they're taught and what they do. I am not going to sit here and try to defend them. But I know from the last pastor I had, he did NOT teach them to hate me, to shun me, or disrespect me, it is the Christians who CHOOSE to do so. Might I add that most of them from that church don't? Do you know why? Because the pastor has led them by example to love everyone no matter what!

Anyway, I was thinking about the ratio of GLBTs that are Christians. I did some research and found many numbers, but I am only going to use one of them, and I asked for guidance so I feel I chose a right and accurate one. 44% of the GLBT community, were once Christians. It was also stated that a GLBT person who was once a christian is 27 times more likely to commit suicide! That's heart breaking! And why do you think this rate is so high?! I'll tell you why! Because some Christians think that it's their job to judge and criticize other people. NEWSFLASH!!!! You can't replace God!!!

So here's a thought. I attempted suicide as a young teenager, 3 times, and I know that my reason for it was because I was scared to death of not being accepted by everyone I knew, aka Christians. And on top of it, I was dealing with sexual abuse and neglect of my family's attention, as I wasn't really liked anyway. So just how many suicides are caused by a christian? Let's stop and think about this. Who is known to be the most judgmental people on the face of the earth? Those that claim to be Christians. So why is it that they can't see just what kind of damage they are causing. I'm by no means saying that Christians should be ousted from the planet, I'm just simply saying that they need to really consider what their God would be doing if He were in their shoes! I highly doubt He would be the cause of suicides!

Using statistics, on average, there are about 32, 622 suicides a year. Here are some more statistics breaking down that number:
1.3% of all deaths are from suicide.
On average, one suicide occurs every 17 minutes.
On average, an elderly person dies by suicide every 1 hour and 37 minutes.
On average, a young person (age 15-24) dies by suicide every 2 hours and 12 minutes.
Suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all Americans.
Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people aged 15-24 year olds.(1st = accidents, 2nd = homicide)
Suicide is the fifth leading cause of death for young people aged 5-14 year olds.Suicide is the second leading cause of death among college students.
Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death for males.
Suicide is the nineteenth leading cause of death for females.
More males die from suicide than females.(4 male deaths by suicide for each female death by suicide.)
More people die from suicide than from homicide.(Suicide ranks as the 11th leading cause of death; Homicide ranks 13th.)
73% of all suicide deaths are white males.
80% of all firearm suicide deaths are white males.
Among the highest rates (when categorized by gender and race) are suicide deaths for white men over 85. (54 per 100,000)

Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity / Young, Old Age Groups

                                             Rate Per
                 Number        Per Day      100,000    % of Deaths  
Total .............30,622..........83.9.........10.8..........1.3
Males .............24,672..........67.6.........17.6..........2.1
Females.............5,950..........16.3..........4.1..........0.5
Whites.............27,710..........75.9.........11.9..........1.3
Nonwhites...........2,912...........8.0..........5.6..........0.9
Blacks..............1,957...........5.4..........5.3..........0.7
Elderly (65+ yrs.) .5,393..........14.8.........15.3..........0.3
Young (15-24 yrs.)..3,971..........10.9..........9.9.........12.3

Further Breakdown by Gender / Ethnicity

Rate Per Group # of Suicides 100,000
White Male.......22,328........19.5
White Female .....5,382.........4.6
Nonwhite Male ....2,344.........9.3
Nonwhite Female ....568.........2.1
Black Male .......1,627.........9.2
Black Female........330.........1.7
Hispanic...........1850.........5.0

I also read that one in three teen aged suicides was gay or lesbian.

That's just a thought for you. So next time you go criticize someone, think about the number that you might be putting on the chart. And even though you may not care, put yourself in the family's shoes who will be losing this loved one, and reconsider how you treat or react to someone, just because of sexual orientation, outward appearance, or any other reason.

Why is it that people think that the only thing that exists in the world is sex? Anymore, in my search for Mr. Right, all I can find is people who want sex. I mean, I myself am not a very sexual person, and sometimes it would be nice to find someone who just wants to cuddle, someone who just wants to have a conversation. Or maybe even find someone who doesn't care that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, but cares about me for my great personality. Is it so much to ask for, to want someone who loves me for my soul. My body is not a toy, well, it is, but it is a sacred toy and I'm not going to give it to just anyone. I mean, seriously.....

Anyway, I just may have met someone special. Someone who actually thinks about me throughout the day, and lets me know. It's finally nice to know that I matter to someone. He makes me feel really special. Things he says to me, about me, and just everything. Let's hope nothing happens!!! Cause I deserve to be happy and I believe that this is my time! Jealous? don't be! You're time is coming too!!!

Everyone has someone out there. And we are all deserving of things. And how you live your life determines WHAT you're deserving of! So if you want a good man, or woman, or whatever the hell you're into, then live it! Just sayin......

I want all who read my blog to watch this. Cause if there's anything I know, is that at times, we feel that it's the end. We are done. Can't continue, who are we kidding, right?! Wrong. Take a little trip with me. Watch this video, and let your heart be touched, just as mine was!

Here is a little motivational speech that I came up with just for everyone on a website for men who have been sexually abused! And I thought it could be used in EVERYONE's life in some way, shape, or form!

Have you ever thought of the word, "the"? I mean, such a little word and yet has so much importance behind it. Have you ever tried to go throughout the day, and not use the word "the"? It is impossible!!!! Try it sometime!

"The" is the ONLY definite article of the English language!!!! "The" makes things happen here and now!!!!

The application:

How we live our life is important. we may seem so little, and so un-important, but really think about your life! How many things wouldn't happen, if you were not in existence? Could your family, place of work, your friends, your support groups, could they "happen" without you?

If not, then perhaps, we are doing something wrong. we should live with such a life, that we leave that impression of good character and uniqueness in our life. I mean, if I miss work, I want them to say, "OH NO!!!! He's the hardest working person I have!!!! What will I do????? I need "THE"!!!!!!!!!"

It is also said that the English language is the only language that has a definite article!

We should live our lives with absolutes! some definites! Meaning, in our lives, there are things that we should KNOW, and that will not change! Things like, I personally have my brother! I know, that no matter what, I will always have him! I know that my parents are an absolute in my life!!!!

"The" makes things happen here and now:

Do you make things happen "here and now"? Or do we live with the mindset that, "eh, I am a survivor, I have my struggles, they can go on without me"? Or going through life, not caring, or just not doing things because, "we aren't 'normal' anyway? Why not live as "the"?

We could take so many lessons from such a little word in the English language!

Something we need to think about often, is how are we living our life? They say that life is like a vapor. How are you living your vapor? It happens quick you know! How many of you are old enough, or maybe have seen, the old tea kettles, when your mother's would make tea? And coming out of the spout, was a vapor. And almost as soon as it would appear, it would disappear. our lives are the same way! They happen, but oh so quickly!!!!

Here's another way to put it. On tombstones, there are 2 dates. The day you were born, and the day you died. In between those dates, is a dash(-). That dash represents a period of time. For some it is short, and others long, but, none-the-less, it represents a period of time. This period of time, what will your represent? When people visit your graveside, will they look at your dash and say good things about it? Or will they say bad things about it?

This is just a few things to think about. and I would really like y'all to think about them. a simple punctuation mark like "-", and a simple article like "the", and a little bit of heat and water, and the relation to our lives.

I have a few challenges for everyone:

1) Try to look around you and think of your own life applications we can learn from the world around us. It is amazing how things were placed here, and they seem so minute, but they have so much to teach us!

2) Reply to this post with things in this life that can't go on without you! this could be a little bit of an encouragement and an eye opener for some, to see just how important you really are!


I also encourage any other comments to this post as well.......

So this is one of those blogs where you don't know what to write, so you just write, wondering what you're going to say next.

Lately, I've been quite depressed, for a lot of reason's really. I mean, let's put it into perspective. I was born and raised a Christian. In their eyes, I had a lot going for me. I was playing 5 instruments for the church, practically made up the orchestra by myself, if I could have only figured out how to play all of them at once, I was interpreting for the deaf, I was doing so much with an addictions ministry, I had my own side ministry to men who have been and were being sexual, mentally, and/or physically abused, in the Christian's eyes, I had it all. But I lacked one thing, happiness.

What made things difficult was when I was 11 I knew 100% that I was gay. I also knew, that telling people would bring on consequences. You can't be a Christian and gay at the same time, right?!

So finally, 3 months ago I made the rough decision of coming out. It started out as a slow process, but ended up taking a week for the world to find out. It's amazing how the people who you think are your closest friends, would rat you out in a heart beat, knowing damn well that it would hurt you. Needless to say, as I'm sure you've figured out, someone else told the pastor before I could, and I found myself being called in his office and removed from my positions, but still being allowed to go to the church. There were of course stipulations, I couldn't wear makeup, which was funny, because I had been for almost a year and it wasn't a problem up til now. I also couldn't bring my boyfriends in and if I did, we couldn't hang on each other.

Problem is, I had already made up my mind that when I came out, I wouldn't linger around, where I'm not going to be liked. And, as you can imagine, and like anybody else's coming out story, I was disowned by many.

But I must say, for the most part, the church did well. Nobody really disowned me, though most don't speak to me, we have to give it time, as everyone now has to get used to the new me. Even I am getting used to the new me. But what hurt the most is the family, the ones who were suppose to be the biggest supporters, they were the ones who make the harsh comments, and disowned me, and stab me in the back.

As you can imagine, since I invested my entire life being around Christians, when I came out, I no longer had anyone to hang out with. So the past few months has been rough. I sit here day by day on this computer, and it has become my best friend. I do everything on it. We have dinner together, we play games, watch movies, drink coffee, I even talk to it, and sometimes it talks back. Okay, IT, doesn't, but the person on the other end of the Instant Messenger does. ;-)

I've tried many avenues of trying to find friends. I go to bars occasionally, even though I don't really drink, I am on websites galore, I've tried a lot of things, sometimes it just seems like there's no hope.

To top things off, I not only left the church as a gay man, I also left and became a Witch, a Pagan...and have also allowed myself to pick up my emo style. So I am a big let down to a lot of people.

But as I sit here and write this blog, I have to remind myself, that being Christian didn't give me all of my talents and abilities. I can still play all 5 instruments, I still interpret for the deaf, and I still have my outreach to men who've been sexually abused, and most of those guys all have addictions. So I guess it's true that you CAN have the best of both worlds. Better yet, I'll one up it, how about there isn't really any ONE world!

See, so many people live their life thinking there's only one way to do things. But nobody stops to think about what if you're wrong. Christians always come at me with the Bible. "Well you know that the Bible says it's wrong"....well, what if the Bible is just another fiction book?! Did you ever stop to think about that?! What if everything you live for, is a lie?! Why are we so closed minded anymore that we can't even see the possibility of us being wrong?

This is what I believe. I believe that in this world, there are many beliefs. But I don't believe any of them are wrong, they just aren't right for every person. So who are we to judge someone for being gay, or straight, or Wicca, or agnostic, or atheist, or anything else in the world? I'm so tired of people in the world being so critical of other people. GET OVER YOURSELVES!!!

Anyway, the point of this blog, is to thank the friends, even though you may be distant, or we may not do a lot together. And I apologize if I miss someone, it's not cause you're not important, it's cause it's 7 in the morning and I have yet to go to sleep.

Probably my best friend right now, and person I am most close to, is Jon Webb. Jon has been there through my thick and thins. He was the first person I was ever honest with about my sexuality. He is the person I tell my deepest and darkest thoughts with.

Next is his brother Christian(or Xian as he prefers to go by) Webb. Xian has been the biggest inspiration to me, and though we only talk via Twitter and Yahoo IM, if we ever get Jon to get his ass busy, I'll get to meet him in person ;-). I've always admired Xian for being open about who he is, and never miss reading any of his blogs! Xian has a lot to offer the world. Xian is extremely cute, though I've never told him that, and he's going to read this and that's how he'll learn that I think he's cute. But that's okay, I'm allowed to think people are cute. :D

My 3rd, and one of my crushes..is Kevin Raskin. Kevin is a fellow interpreter for the deaf. I met him via facebook through a group for interpreters. I fell in love with him (not literally) almost immediately. He is a great looking guy, and the most kind and funny person. I think if he didn't live so far away, we may be inseparable. I do, and always did have a man crush on him, and it wasn't so secret. I've always openly flirted with him, even prior to coming out. Somehow Kevin manages to push through my consisting flirting and is also one of my best friends, to whom I tell everything. Something happens, I'm literally on the phone, either texting, Blackberry Messaging, or calling him.

Next, I would have to say I would put, Cris. Cris lives in Texas and we met online. He's a really cute 19 year old young man, and I love him to pieces. I hate that there's distance between us. Not only are we great friends, but I think we would make great lovers too! He makes me feel very special and every time I get a message from him, my face lights up and I can't help but smile!

And on to another, my friend Allen Hanberg. Poor Allen. I put him through the ringer! He's the most gorgeous 38 year old man I'd ever seen in my life, and if he'd put down the age barrier, I'd date him despite the distance. He lives in Utah. And I REALLY flirt with him heavily. But all in all, flirting aside, I value his friendship and wouldn't do anything to endanger it.

Then there's of course Amy Edwards. Amy and I met, because I work with her daughter, and she is a Starbucks addict, so she is in A LOT! I lover her to death! I could literally talk to her for hours!!! She's a mom and a best friend all in one. But I tend to think of her as a sister more than a mother. I also would like to mention that she is one of the most beautiful ladies, inside and out, that I've ever met.

Another great friend of mine is Julian Miller. We met on a 3d chat, and hit it off almost immediately. Yes, again, he's gorgeous! In fact, I would even stretch it to say he's an Italian god!!!!

Then the newest addition to this list, I just met this past week, and just talked to him a few hours ago, but I see us being great friends. His name is Christopher Nickell. He's a 21 year old I met on paganspace.net. He actually friend requested me, and after seeing his gorgeous face, how could I say no?! ;-) Anyway, I'll move on before it gets awkward.

The most important person in my life, and I would kill anyone over him, including the people in the above list, is my brother. Roy Thomas McDavid Jr. Throughout my entire life, I knew that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. He did so much for me growing up, was a great role model, and has been my best friend and my everything. I only hope that one day I can repay what he has given me. Many will never understand.

I'm going to end this blog now, and would like to point out that if the person I mentioned had a blog or web page, their name is a link to it. Go and support them. ;-)

So, I was on the phone with a young man about my age tonight, and while I won't announce his issues, I will make up fake scenarios.

As most know by now, by my previous notes, I "counsel" men who have been sexually, physically, and/or mentally abused, with no professional attachment. In doing so, I often have many that call me wanting to commit suicide, and even if they're not wanting to commit suicide, they still don't want to live. And I so often just want to scream, "DON'T DO IT!!!" But I have to take a more calm approach, as screaming will only make them more upset and nervous.

So often times, people don't feel that they have a lot to live for, and that they are better off dead. One of the exercises I have them do is to make a list of all the positives in their life, even if it seems stupid. Using myself as an example, my list might look like this, and I'm only going to name 5 things.

1) music
2) strawberry milk
3) key lime pie
4) AJ, PJ, and TJ, my 3 fish
5) air

I basically have them pick the most obvious things that we oft' times over look. Things that are always there, but we seem to miss cause they're so "everyday". I have them put in positive characteristic traits, memories of their childhood, people, things, pets, food, etc....into this list. I never ask to see it! That is their business. After giving them their homework assignment, I just talk things out with them. What is going in their head? Why do they feel that way? Help them understand where that thought and/or feeling is rooted and then we start working on digging up the root.

I also help them to realize how it would negatively effect those around them, family members, friends, co-workers, etc....and help them to realize what they would be missing in the future.

In the 9 months I have been doing this, I have had 69 suicide scares and NONE follow through! It's all by the grace of God that He gives me strength to get through it!

Many times, through the sessions, I get very attached to these men. A few have I met in person, others, it's still over the phone, IM, or through the websites to which I meet them, but all of them become good friends! One thing I know I learned through counseling with my own pastor, is that I feel more comfortable talking about these issues knowing he's a friend, rather than talking to someone who is only talking to me cause he has a paper that gives him license. So, through many of my sessions there is personal attachment and so I have to be able to detach myself while talking to them.

So many times, in these modern days, there are MORE than MANY that feel suicide is the best answer! But my goal is to get people to realize that it's not! Sure, life is rough, but there is greater meaning and purpose!

Now, through my 9 months, I have come across a few cases that were just way out of my league. I am not dumb enough to take those ones. After all, I'm not licensed, schooled, and or skilled enough to take on some people's mental state of minds. Let's face it, there's some crazy people out there!

Oh, and I also feel compelled to add, that I am in no way a substitute for if they are working with a professional therapist and with a few cases, have even worked hand in hand with a therapist, at the request of the patient. The therapists agreed with my "talking with a friend easier than a therapist" analogy. And the patients know that I will be telling their therapist what they say, but it is easier for some to have a mediator when talking about some issues.

Another technique I use MANY times, is silence. I have found that in silence, a person feel insecure, vulnerable, uncomfortable and like they need to talk to cut the silence. So many times they reveal things about themselves, by rambling. Because they have to find things to talk about. And it usually just so happens to be things that are troubling them, things that are on their chest, or even just random subconscious thoughts that pop in their head. All of these, though sometimes may not make sense when they come out of their mouth, reveal many things about them to me, whether it be characteristically or just in general information.

Something I would like to add is a bit of my own testimony. When I was sexually abused, I had no one to talk to. I am a christian young man, how can I tell my parents that I have been involved sexually with 3 men?! I mean, whether I wanted to or not, it is still wrong right?! And it doesn't take away from the fact that it makes me gay?! Cause I was always told, in these words, that any guy who does things sexually with another guy, is gay! there was no stipulations, nothing. I had a lot to deal with when I was between the age of 10 and up, 10 being the start of my abuse. I had a lot of emotional and physical pain I was dealing with. There was some mild physical abuse involved. I was hurt, confused, crazed, inhibilitated, I didn't know how to cope with and deal with what had been done TO me. I had anger issues, I was rebellious, all of this being signs that something was seriously wrong with me. Unknowingly, many times, a kid/teen will act in ways that gets himself attention, to cry out for help. It is purely subconscious and unintentional, and it is their way of saying, something is wrong, and I don't know how to talk about it! Anyway, in dealing with my issues, I turned to cutting, and 2 times I even attempted suicide myself. I learned real quick that God has a preset time for us to go and we aren't going to die unless it's His timing, so you might as well go about it another way! So I am able to approach these issues from experience.

Anyway, that's my mild rant for today.
Adios.

okay, so, i watched a tv program called "Witch Hunt" this evening. it was about people that had been falsely accused of sexual abusing their children as well as other children in the area and also a few of child porn. all of them were false accusations. now, obviously, nothing i am about to say is a biased opinion, as i was a victim of child sexual abuse(csa), but i saw a lot on there that made me angry.

for instance, the children who were "victims" were coached on what to say. they said, that the investigators and counsellors would sit there and say, did such and such happen to you? and when the child would say no, they would say, well, so and so saw it happen. i saw a lot wrong with this! besides the fact that the investigator just lied to the child in question, but they just confused and scarred this child for life! they looked at this kid and said, now, we don't want you to lie, but what we need you to do is lie. more than likely, the kids parents had instilled in him or her, not to lie, so they are sitting there thinking, "okay, i am not supposed to lie, but someone saw it happen, so it must have, right? so i will say it happened, cause it must have." they don't know whether they are telling the truth or lying. they've immediately been confused. they don't know whether they are coming and going.

then on top of that, these children grow up with that guilty conscience that, "why didn't they just tell the truth?!" "why didn't they do the right thing?!"

then there's the aspect, that the people who were accused, many of them lost YEARS of their lives. they lost houses, friendships, memories of their children's lives, milestones in their children's lives, they've lost pictures, home videos, friendships, their reputation, their dignity. they have gone through literal hell! and WHY?! because the government decided to stick their nose in business that wasn't theirs and now the people have to suffer for it. a relationship between a child and a parent is destroyed, and though they may reunite, that doesn't just go away!

i speak from many sides of my life, as i have seen so many people in my immediate family be falsely accused of things. some legal, some social, but none the less, they have gone through them. watching this program really just opened my eyes even more to the feelings that they have! i really couldn't imagine even now, being one that was accused of abusing my children, whether it be physical or sexual, but i do know that the on person i have in mind, the way i remember the person, would NEVER have touched their children in the way the other parent claims! and every time i see this family member, i just want to grab and hug them! they are scarred for life. WHY?! because someone isn't in their right mind. and because the government could give a flip about the accused, they think they're doing justice, but their not! now, i fear everyday, for my "little" family member's lives, because they're stuck with an idiot parent. if anyone did the abusing of their children, i think it was the parent that has them now! and i mean that whole heartedly! i tried to say that without a lot of detail being displayed, hope i was successful.

the point of this note, is to make people aware of things that goes on in everyday life. sure, you may not falsely accuse someone of abuse, or anything, but whether it is something that serious, or something minor, such as taking a drink of your soda, it is still a serious matter. we need to watch the words that come out of our mouth. why does everyone have to be "witches", as the program called these abusers. the basic idea of the title witch hunt, was back in the day, during the Salem Witch Trials. how suddenly EVERYONE was a witch. many people died innocently by being hung from a tree, why? because people thought they could accuse people of things just because "they thought"...NO......you can't! NO THINKING! thinking gets us in trouble!!!!!!


how many times, do you do something and while you're getting lectured, or spanked, or whatever the punishment, and what are the usual words that come out of your mouth, "well, I THOUGHT...."


STOP THINKING!!!!!!!!!

bottom line. quit thinking about other people, and worry about yourselves. what are you doing in your life that would cause someone to look at you and say, hey, i bet they're doing.....? huh?! what are your faults?! let's start taking the beam out of our own eye before we remove the mote out of someone else's. i mean, seriously, why do we live our lives thinking that it's our job to critique everyone? what gives us the license to be the police of everyone?! except you Brent, you have that license! LOL you know what i mean by this cuz, i don't mean literal. ;-)

anyways, i think my rant is done, but i may be back.