ROYGBIV

Sorry I've not blogged in so long. It's been a while, I know. Life can be a bitch at times. I've been going through a lot of depression, mainly because I've been going through a lot of guys. It seems that it doesn't matter how good of a man I try to be, nobody sees me for it. I know that I'm kind of a pretty boy. And I know that some people aren't attracted to that, but I don't stay cute by neglecting my appearance. And I know that my appearance is not everything, but it is however who I am as a person. Unfortunately, not all of us are born naturally beautiful. Wow, that a weird tangent I didn't intend to go on.

Anyway, I'm seeing so much of the gay community, and it never ceases to amaze me, the number of guys who think that, there's no sense in looking for the one true love, cause we can't marry anyway. Or that are so wrapped up in sex, and pleasure, that they are too blind to see the good things that are right in front of them. In the mean time, not only are they hurting themselves, but they're hurting many around them, who really are looking for that one person!

My question is, what is love? I mean, for real! Define it! So many people throw that word around like a seal among killer whales,; "I love roast beef", "I love pencils!", "I love hamburger!". But really, let's define love. No, not by dictionary, but in your own words, define love. I don't want to hear any quotes from any sort of literature...I want to hear YOUR definition! Better yet, I want to see it, feel it...experience it. Let's practice showing people what TRUE LOVE really is! Class dismissed, if anyone out there has any class left!

Okay, so, it has been like, forever and a day since I've blogged. I haven't really been in the mood I guess. But on top of it, we just moved, and I've been working a lot.

Anyway, life is pretty much the same. I'm working, dating, maintaining a life. I am seeing a guy right now, his name is Rob. I like him a lot, but it has only been a week, so I'm not going to get my hopes up. He's 36 years old, and he's fun, funny, sweet, and really knows how to make me feel special. That last one is important ;-)

Haven't really been in the Christmas spirit. Holidays just really aren't my thing. Everyday is a holiday for me, so why should I act extra special on actual holidays? Especially when those holidays are created by religions to which I don't even personally believe in. Makes absolutely no sense to me. It's a waste of my time. But, such is life. We all have to do things we don't want just to make other people happy. It's the way the tuna falls.

I am working on a project with makeup and hair right now. Hopefully it turns out. If it does, I will post pics. It's a modern Geisha, with an artistic twist to it. I'm really excited. I have to give a mannequin a hair cut and style and then do her makeup. We'll see how this turns out.

And that's what I'm going to do right now, so I'll talk to y'all later.

So, a lot has happened this past few weeks and I've not been able to post about it! Where to start......I'll just dive right in and hope I remember everything.

So most people know I drive without a license and last saturday, after moving most of our stuff into our new apt, I was on my way to work, and I got pulled over for speeding, when all I was doing was passing someone. And of course, it had to be a policeman I knew! Also, LUCKY for me, it was a policeman I knew. It was one of my regulars at Starbucks and he let me go, cause he likes my coffee too much to let me go to prison. LOL


THEN...the monday after, I was shopping, and this bitch was letting her 3 year old run around the store. I was coming out of an aisle as her daughter was running across the store and I tripped over her. Her mom was nowhere to be seen, and I couldn't leave the girl lyin there while I tried to find mom...and I sure as hell wasn't picking her up. So I just sat down next to her Indian style and waited with her til her bitch of a mother to hear her screaming and crying. It took that bitch 3.5 minutes, OH YES! I timed her! Anywho, the lady called the police on me for child abuse! The police looked at her like she was stupid after everyone had given statements, and they also went and looked at the surveillance tapes. They told the lady she was a money grubbing idiot and was just looking for a case and escorted her out of the store! LOL

Then last Sunday, my computer crashed. And I just got it back. So I'm just now being able to catch on a lot of things. FML....lol

I think I'm just going to leave that as all for this note. I missed everyone in my internet world.

So yesterday the way my work schedule worked and my mom's church schedule worked, I had to drop her off at church and take the car home. When we got there, everyone ran out and was talking to me, which was nice, but there was a few things that kind of got to me. Not necessarily in a bad way, it's just, well, a few of the people brought out some people I didn't even know and I felt like I was the gay rebel witch on display for show and tell. So it got me to thinking last night about who I really am.

You know, for those with a Christian background, they would say that I have gone astray. But those who are in my shoes, or might be open minded, or who might understand a little better, they would say I've found my way.

I grew up as a christian, I grew up miserable. As I've stated in previous posts, I believe that there is no right or wrong religion. I believe that there is a right religion for each individual, and that not everyone is meant for the same thing. Who are we to say that being Baptist, or Protestant, or any other religion, is the right one?! Are we a higher power to be able to make this choice? You say, but the Bible says. Prove that the Bible is true! All you can do is tell me history. But you know what?! Wiccan has history too! Can you tell me that it is less true just because we don't have a Bible? Not every religion needs a Bible. To me, all the Bible is, is the book created for you to know how you're being judged. And the religions who have used that Bible, have turned it into being the book to which EVERYONE will use to judge you!

Throughout the past 4 months, I have made a lot of discoveries about myself. I have found my way when I was lost, I have made a lot of progressions, things that never happened while I was a "Christian". This tells me that the way of life for me is being Wiccan.

Some may never fully understand that, but that's okay. That just means that my way of life isn't meant for you. And that's okay, I certainly won't judge you on that. But will we ever get the "other side" of the world to understand this too?

Okay, so today was a day of may events and non-events. Some were good, and some were bad, the others just don't matter enough.

This morning, I woke up, and something dawned on me. I'm scared of love. I know it sounds crazy, but I really am afraid of love. It's not so much the getting hurt part, it's the literal loving. Everything about it scares me. This is both an emotional thing, a sexual and physical thing, it's everything about it. Ever since I knew I was gay, I always told myself and convinced myself that I was a top. This stems from a lot of things, the key factor being that the only gay sex I've had was forced upon me and was not enjoyable, and I didn't think I could go through it again. When I think of sex, I associate it with both emotional and mostly physical pain. But when I came out, and actually got involved in gay culture, I realized that I am not a top, but am in fact a bottom. There's nothing "top" about me. I am also OCD, and cannot have or put things in my mouth, therefore oral is an issue for me. This really limits me as a gay man. Then, to top it off, The last time I was raped, the "guy" was massive....if you want measurements, I'll tell you cause he "got off" on making measuring himself as foreplay....needless to say, to this day I still bleed anally, and yes, I've been to the doctor. They said they don't see where I'm bleeding from because it's not a constant thing so they can't fix it, but the bleeding is little, so it's not really anything to worry about..and they're right. It doesn't last very long. Anyway, this scares me about not being able to please my man!

As far as emotionally, it is hard to explain, but I fear not only loving, but being loved. What if I cannot live up to my part of a partnership? What if they cannot live up to their end of the partnership? What if I'm taken advantage of? What if I'm cheated on? What if..... Normally I can bypass "what ifs" but for this issue of loving someone, I just can't get past it. I don't want to be like those people that sleep around and end up with diseases and such, and/or no heart just a constantly hard penis that does all the thinking for them. I hate those guys that only want hookups and when they find out that they have to be with you longer than 5 minutes for you to drop your pants they stop talking to you. I don't want to be associated with those shallow guys...but anymore that seems like the gay culture norm. So where are all the guys like myself that actually want something meaningful and lasting?

Something else that plays into this is the whole relationship thing. When we think of relationships, we think of walking around in public holding hands, some PDA going on, and such..but for us gay people, it's not just that simple. There's more that gets factored in. There's gay bashing, nasty looks, dirty comments, etc..... I have to keep asking myself if I'm ready to face it.

You would think this wouldn't be an issue since I wear heavy makeup all the time, and I wear gay pride jewelry, but it is different when there's two of you and you're making public affection...it's not as accepted as being ONE gay individual. I am really afraid that one day something might happen that will scar one or both of us for life, maybe even kill us.

Even as I'm typing this I'm crying. I know that being gay is not like a tragedy, obviously! I think that it's the best thing that ever happened to me, but I do however know that it's not all Peaches and Cream all the time either.

Then on top of the constant ridicule, there's the normal struggles that every couple has whether gay or VOMITstraightVOMIT...lol. Sorry, you know I have to throw humor in there.


ANYWAY!!!! Moving on to a GREAT topic! My mother....O....M....G.....my mother. I was to meet CJ today, a guy I've been talking to for a while. Mom out of the blue surprised me by making a Halloween basket for CJ. It was a glass pumpkin she filled with candy. I know it sounds stupid and small...and you're like, "What's the big deal?!" Well, this is a GOOD big deal!!! As most who read my blog know, I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so therefore, my parents are strict Baptist. When I came out, I not only came out as a gay man, but I also converted to Wicca. This was a lot for my parents to deal with at once, but they never strayed from my side in loving me. Sure, they made and still make, comments here and there, but they still loved me and made sure I felt it and knew it too. So this morning when Mom did the "act of kindness" towards the man that she may eventually be taking on as her "son-in-law", it touched my heart something fierce. I knew at that moment, that even if loving and being loved hurt....I would always have my family behind me to back me up and help me get back on my feet.

I want a relationship....so why is this an issue?! Why is my brain being a fucktard?! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Thoughts are welcome and wanted.

So yesterday, as most know, my family had an outing at Cedar Point. It was planned by my brother, Tommy, and was an open invitation for all family, including extended. For starters, it was only my brother, his girlfriend, Andrea, and my father, and myself. So I was having a good time. They're all awesome! But as the day progressed, more of the extended family sporadically showed up. Some like me, others don't. Such is life.

But most of the ones who don't like me, are the ones who were the closest to me to start with. That's the bothersome part. As the day progressed, I just felt awkward, out of place, like I had nowhere to belong. The family that liked me would try to include me in their conversations but the family that didn't like me would cleverly and sneakily back out. I only noticed cause I was already paranoid.

Anyway, as time went on, things got better. The family eventually saw that I'm still the same, only better. Because I didn't have the misery of hiding a huge secret, and everyone was talking to me by the end of the night. Though it wasn't the same as it usually was, they were talking. I now see what the new normal will be, and I can accept it. Mainly because they're christians and I try to keep my distance from them, unless they have proven themselves to me, that they are not the normal christian that judges and hates.

After Cedar Point, some of us went to Friendlys for breakfast, or dinner, or whatever is eaten at 2am, and we had a good time. Our waitress, Buffy, was a Wednesday night minister, and when we went to pray, she joined us. She was the type who hold hands when they pray, so you know the situation. Where you're sitting there and someone starts to grab someone's hand for prayer, so you hesitantly start reaching for those around you. You know? That really awkward moment? Yeah, well, that was the moment that made my life worth living again.

I was sitting in between my brother and my father. My brother before I had a chance to realize what was going on, grabs my hand tightly, and just smiles at me affirmingly. It was that smile that he was doing it not only to be funny, but also because he knew that I really just needed to know that he doesn't feel weird around me just because I'm gay. He gripped my hand tightly and I almost cried but I refrained. Well, until I excused myself for the restroom after the prayer. I really do have the most wonderful brother in all the world!

Anyway, that's where the "He Loves Me" comes in. I also found out that my brother planned yesterday hoping to break the "Coming Out Tension". Just goes to show that my brother will always have my back!

Okay. So most of my friends know, I LOVE to wear cowboy boots. It has a lot to do with my scoliosis as the raised heel sets my spine, but today, another reason popped into my head. One to which I never paid attention to until then. I work at Starbucks, as most know, and so I deal with a lot of posh people ranging from business people, to just people who dress important to feel it. And it dawned on me a similarity in personality traits.

So there I stand, watching as the people click there way through the day, heads held high. But why? Most of them don't like how they live. They're unsatisfied with their houses, their cars, their families. So what gives them this feeling and attitude of importance?! I'll tell you what! Their shoes! Did you ever notice that if a person is wearing shoes to which the heels click when they walk, they feel important?! It gives them this feeling of power, that nobody has anything on them! They just feel so...I don't know, confident!

And let's look at another scenario. Wizard of Oz. What does Dorothy do to get home?! Clicks her heels. Why?! Cause everyone knows that heels that click is the answer to almost anything! DUH!!!

But anyway, just thought I would blog about my new findings and observations.