Posted by Philip R. McDavid | Posted on 9:25 PM | Posted in
It has been a while since I've blogged last. I'm thinking perhaps I should get back to doing so, aye? So much has happened that I'm not going to bother catching you all up at once. You will be caught up as it happens. My main reason for posting is because it's been a long weekend. I've had a lot of epiphanies, and things I need to talk about.
Most people aren't all about putting their business out there. I however, embrace being an open person. On the other hand, I am trying to learn discreteness. Somethings we need to share with others, and somethings we don't. So bare with me as I attempt to decipher the two and create a meaningful blog.
You see, I've gone through my life, thinking I knew what happiness was. But in all honesty, I don't. I've been sure good at faking it. Sure, I've had happy moments in life, however, I don't believe I've ever reached a point in my life where I can say that I am truly, completely, and entirely happy. Which, I could turn this and say, "But who is?" But I'm not. Because, this blog is about me. Through events, that aren't of importance to anyone, I had to take this weekend to ask myself some questions. Those exact questions, I will not reveal. for they are personal. But I will however tell you the end result. when I summed up the answers to my questions, I not only wasn't happy, but I was lying to myself about a lot of things. Mainly, this blog is about happiness. After this weekend, I am lead to believe that many people, not just myself, go through life not really knowing what true happiness feels like. I think we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we do, but we don't. There are many emotions/categories to which I can tag myself in and relate to; anger, bitterness, resentment, fear, loneliness, etc, just to name a few. Happiness , however, is not one of them. I've always lived my life saying that I lived to make others msile. If I could make one person smile a day, then I can go to bed a happy person. Well let me tell you, it's not true. It was a lie I told myself to make myself think I was happy. By taking on the title of "life coach" to help men who've been through what I have, I told myself it made me happy, but honestly, it just made my healing process hurt even more. And with that said, I must announce, that my days, as a mentor for sexually abused men is done. It is time for I, Philip R. McDavid, to take a step back and to start his healing process. I know that this may be a set back to those to whom I help, but I think they'll understand and support me, as they know what it's like to be broken, torn apart, and feeling so hurt by your own actions and others actions towards you, that you just need to take that step towards the person who is extending their hand to help you. For me, that person is my boyfriend, my lover, and my future husband. It is through his love, that he has allowed me to see that I am worth something, for who I am, not who I pretend to be. He sees past the walls I've set up, he sees the dirt I've got stashed away in places that even I don't know where it is, and yet, he loves me anyway. The best part is, he loves me for who I am, not for the person I could be if I'd clean up the dirt. He's allowed me see that I deserve a better life than I have now. He has loved me unconditionally, and without fail, and it is time for me to return that love, but in order for me to be able to return that love, I must first love myself. Like Ru Paul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you going to love somebody else?!" And that's the truth. Oh sure, I can "love" him. But can I LOVE him, the way he deserves?
In this journey that we call a weekend, I also put a lot of thought into my life. Currently, I am dealing with a lot of health issues. I am finding that a lot of them, are traced back to emotions that stir inside you and don't go away. They cause things like ulcers, migraines, depression, anxiety, etc. The four I listed are the 4 I have.. However, I'm not quite to the point of ulcers, they were able to catch it before it got that far. But it was this that made me step back and evaluate my life. What about me makes me depressed? Well I will tell you. It has everything to do with everything I've already discussed and more.
As of now, I don't know where I need to be, but I know that I need to not be living with my parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but that's all the more reason we need to not live together. I think we would get along so much better if they didn't see the way I lived. I won't get into detail on that. Also, there's just a lot going on right now in my house, again, I have to take the discrete road on that. Just know, that I feel this is the right road for me to take. It's time for me to move on. I'm 23, I'm young, I'm ambitious, and quite honestly, I'm ready to stop the facade and be happy for once. In doing so, I must change my environment. This means changing work, life, living, school, etc. Which also leaves me at the question of where do I go? How do I get there? How do I afford it? and the like. I haven't yet answered these questions, so I won't attempt to here. But I am open to hear what everyone has to offer by way of their thoughts.
There are so many points I was and am hoping to hit in this blog, but the more I type, the more I forget. So I'm going to leave it at this. The rest I will save for later blogs.
